this will be long and honest. probably.

I feel like I need to be more honest and clear on here. I haven't in a long time... and I think it's because I've been running away from some things and some feelings. I eventually will have to stop running, and when I do, they will be there.

Some days, I am not okay. Most days I am. But some days I'm really not.

I have a tendancy to overthink everything that happens to me and everything that is going on. And I don't know when it got this out of control. I overthink things that haven't even happened to me, like the things I worry about or what I am scared of happening. I can't make it stop. My brain is never quiet and I need it to be quiet sometimes.

So here is what is going on.

Steve and I broke up back in June 2011. Since then, we have maintained a very close, functioning friendship/relationship. It was not easy at first and when I look back now I really am disappointed in the way I dealt with heartbreak and how weak I came off as. Even though Steve and I are still close and important in each other's lives, I regret not moving out on the worst day. Why didn't I? I can't remember why I didn't. Everyone was telling me to and I didn't. But he was my home and I wasn't ready to leave my home. I wasn't ready. He was such a happy part of my life and if I left, all the happy would be gone. This feeling of regret sucks. Since Steve and I still got along really well I was convinced and determined to make things work. It was exhausting. It was all I could think about. I couldn't eat, sleep, or do anything that wouldn't remind me of how hurt I was and how I wanted things back to the way they were. We would talk about everything and it would always end unresolved. Now, I have accepted that whatever happens will happen and we don't know the future so we just need to step back and live. I will always love Steve and I know he will always love me. We have come a long way and I feel grateful that we can still be the way we are. I knew life without Steve and with Steve, and I know the life I lived with Steve was much better and that's what I still struggle with. What if I never find that again? What if it's never as good? What if I'm always feeling a pull to somewhere that I don't even know?

That brings me to my next thought.

Some days, I don't know if it's having Steve as my boyfriend I miss or just having that type of relationship that I miss. Deep down I know which one it is. I've gotten to the point where I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm constantly looking for it. I feel a deep restlessness to find it but I have no idea what it is.

I never have a feeling of "this is where I'm supposed to be". Even when I was younger, I would have fun with my friends and could have fun with a group, but I never felt like it was where I belonged. This is kind of harder to explain, because I love my friends and enjoy(ed) being with them, but I never felt settled.

I'm just slow with everthing I do. I'm a slow mover. Before I do anything, it's a slow process. I've moved on but very slowly. It took forever before I could date and when I went on the first date, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. It was a whole new universe and nothing felt right. But when I got home, I was proud that I went when I really wanted to stay home.

I'm really afraid of the unknown and I'm even more afraid that someday I might have to live with that the best of my life has already happened. Until then, I guess I can just take it one day at a time, don't worry about things I can't control, and stay positive.

So anyway, there's that.