the owner of a lonely heart.

It's upsetting how something so minor and insignificant can affect my happiness and my positive mentality. It's even more upsetting that I let it. I was doing so good. You know? I thought I was out of it. Thought. But the feeling I was convinced that I conquered, defeated and forgotten about is back. It's strange how familiar it feels. As if it almost never left. I don't think it ever left. I'm convinced that I just got really good at pretending.

It's a feeling of gravity. A strong pull.

That's all I feel. Is gravity.

Then you say to yourself, just give it some time. But that doesn't offer any comfort when time is all you have. Time and uncertainty.

So here I am. After a day filled with drowning in my head, my thoughts. I'm listening to The Only Living Boy in New York by Simon and Garfunkel.

Loneliness is under-rated.

bits of my weekend.

I truly did have an enjoyable weekend. Don't let these bland/bleak photos tell you otherwise. 

We went to Fudruckers (only the best burger place ever) and they have a little (and dirty but I chose to ignore that part) arcade section. Well, I don't know if it was because I ate one too many potato wedges or that I had two cups too many of fruit punch but something made me go play the arcade games. My game of choice? Guitar Hero. I don't think that counts as an arcade game but they had it there anyways.

Reader, I was a Guitar Hero pro in high school. I could easily play any song on EXPERT. Well, I suppose that skill of mine died because I was struggling to say the least. Anyways, it was fun. Even if I was the oldest person in the arcade by 12 years.

 That fish is judging you.

 Oo la la! Can you see Elvis in the background?

Wise words from a Jones Soda cap. And yeah.

tweet nothings.

I did it.

I joined Twitter.

Let the tweeting begin!!

You can follow me:

http://twitter.com/#!/kaleena_jane

or 

kaleena_jane

The end.

thoughts of kaleena.

+ I either like people too much or not at all.

+ Don't over analyze. Don't over analyze. Don't over analyze. Repeat.

+ A surprise Easter basket in my living room this morning sure would have been nice! But nooOooo.

+As far as I'm concerned, weekends are overrated.



+I always want what I can't have. Basically, the grass is greener on the other side at it's finest.

+I'm afraid for the time in my life where I'm going to cross the line. The line that has "someday I will...." on one side (the side I'm on now) and "I wish I would've...." on the other.

+Crab sounds really heavenly right now. Maybe I will make it for dinner this week. Maybe.

+I can't believe April is basically over. Where did April go? Where did 2011 go?

+This day last month was one of the happiest and best days of my life.

+I should have not have drank that much Mountain Dew this close to my supposed bed time. I am going to be up for HOURS!! Let the Youtubing and Wikipedia reading begin!

the story.

All of these lines across my face,
tell you the story of who I am.
So many stories of where I've been
and how I got to where I am.
But these stories don't mean anything
when you've got no one to tell them to.
It's true...

I was made for you.

I climbed across the mountain tops,
swam all across the ocean blue.
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules,
but baby I broke them all for you.
Because even when I was flat broke
you made me feel like a million bucks.
You do.
I was made for you.

You see the smile that's on my mouth,
It's hiding the words that don't come out.
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess.
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do.
And I was made for you...

The Story

Brandi Carlile

sometimes...

Oh heeeey! Hey Reader. Look at you, looking all... like the way you look. Okay, so I just woke up from a nap and when I woke up I was like "whoa, I need to take a nap."

I woke up basically feeling more exhausted than I did before I laid to nap and dream of Pizza Rolls. Oh yeah, I've been obsessed with Pizza Rolls lately.

Sometimes... I get fiercely grumpy when I am tired and/or hungry. Correction: this isn't sometimes, this is every time.

Sometimes... I think it feels good to cry.

Sometimes... I act like I have everything figured out when really I have no idea what I'm doing with my life... or what I want to do with my life.

Sometimes.... I crave cups and cups and cups and cups of ice. And more cups.

Sometimes... My head is just so full with my messy and scattered thoughts that I mentally wear myself out and feel mentally fatigued. Note to self: find the off switch!!! find it now!!

Sometimes... I look at older people and try to imagine what they looked like at my age and sometimes I feel like I imagine it 100% correct.

Sometimes... I love to just think about how weird and different every single person is.  I LOVE it.

Sometimes... The uncertainty of a situation bothers me more than the actual situation. Actually, uncertainty in general makes me unhappy and gives me anxiety. 

dogs are awesome.

I could probably think of close to... 100 billion reasons just off the top of this head of mine, why dogs are probably the best creatures on planet Earth. Among these endless reasons... 

+ People who own a dog typically live up to seven years longer.

+ People who own a dog typically live a more happy and fulfilled life.

I really really really want a dog.

bits of my weekend.

I loved this weekend because:

1. I wore my newly bought JELLY shoes!! Remember jelly shoes? Well I have some.

2. The moon was so HUGE and breathtaking.

3. We ate the most delicious Hawaiian food that Utah has to offer. It's called Mokis. And I was a waitress there was I was seventeen. 

4. I renamed Edamame (soy beans) to EdaNOMe. Hee. Hee.

I didn't love this weekend because:

1.  I saw the movie, Your Highness. That was probably the worst decision I've made all year. Sure, It's a great movie... if you like lazy humor, immature boyish humor and over used [unfunny] sex jokes. I give it two thumbs down. I wish I had three thumbs so I could give it three thumbs down. If I were to laugh at this movie, I would be laughing at how awful it was. I WAS NOT AMUSED!

.

a home.

Home.
Home is not a place.
It's not a house,
Or a room.

Home.
Home is not a city.
It's not a state,
Or a town.

Home.
Home is not a street,
It's not an address,
Or a zip code.

Home.
Home is not a memory.
It's not a song,
Or a feeling.

Home is a person.

things that make a weekend great.

A lot of firsts-for-2011 happened this weekend. 

I had my first bowl of strawberry cheesecake Dippin' Dots.

and

I got my first sunburn/tan line on my feet.

A great weekend indeed.

and i quote.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.
- Albert Einstein

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
- Albert Einstein

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
- Anonymous

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.
- Hermann Hesse

Can I tell you my favorite thing about Einstein? He never tied he shoes because the thought that was a waste of time and brain power. Awesome.

photo of the day #105

This is what the end of the worst 5th birthday party might look like.

Robot: 1

Helpless Children: 0

things that make me feel special.

                                     

I am featured over here today and it makes me feel speical.

You should go over and see it and say hello to Kate and her blog while you are there.

I've been following her blog for almost a year and I feel important that I finally get to be on it!

sometimes lonely isn't sad.

I just decided I desperately need to make a list.

Because sometimes when I have an idea or thought,

I like to make it into some sort of list

because I feel like if I put it in a list,

it means it will have to happen.

my list:

-take even more pictures.

-start writing again.

-share my writing with someone. perhaps on just add Kaleena.

-drink a lot more water.

-drink a lot less soda.

-have more positive thoughts.

-save my pennies.

So there. 

I made a list.

Now  that  has to happen.

one step forward and two steps back.

Okay, announcement: I went to the gym last night. 

I know, I know. People go to the gym everyday and there are even millions of people at the gym right now. But I wanted to share this with you because me and my very non-toned, doughy self haven't been to the gym since... actually, no. No I won't til you since when. I won't be able to handle those judgmental eyes! Okay, fine. The last time I went to the gym was *cough* December *cough*

So there I was at the gym, sweating my way up the stair-master, running through the tears on the treadmill and basically holding up the line at the drinking fountain. Oh, and don't forget the people watching. After about an hour and half of this cycle, I decided I was good and ready to call it a night.

Twenty minutes later, I found myself in the kitchen. Next to my cereal area. Yes, I call it my cereal area because that part of the counter is nothing my collection of cereals. Should I just have a bowl? One small bowl? NO! I just went to the gym and did all that hard work. But it's just one, small, bowl. No! Just think of all the hard work you did, it will be for NOTHING!!

To be continued...

Just kidding. I totally had the bowl of cereal. 'Twas the best bowl of cereal I've ever eaten. I truly took one step forward but going to the gym... and two steps back for eating that cereal that late at night. Shame on me.

well it's tuesday now... so yeeeah...

Guess what I did?

I got another piercing in my ear. It's the one on the very top. The itty biddy stud one.

I like it.
  it didn't even hurt... even though it made a loud crunch noise. Bah.

some people turn to alcohol to numb a long day...

...and some people turn to strawberries, raspberries and fruit Gushers. And that happens to be me today!

Also, I'll be honest. I got these Rockstar Energy drinks (pic below) for two reasons. Firstly, the can is pretty and makes me feel like I'm a teenager again. Secondly, it came with a BENDY straw... ATTACHED AT THE SIDE. It should be a law that bendy straws are required to come with every type of beverage. Bendy straws will save the world some day.

At work today, we had something so glorious installed. It attracted many, many employees and we all stared and went "ooooo" and "aaaahhh" What was this new glorious thingy? A FREE FOUNTAIN SODA MACHINE!! Yes, yes. That means we can now get: Coke, Root Beer, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, and Lemonade for FREE at our disposal. This is wonderful news for my wallet and tragic news for my health and diet. And I should probably tell you that I am obsessed with free things. If I hated soda or was even allergic to it, I would be drinking out of this machine just for the one and only reason it is free.

One last thing, I made my first ever car payment yesterday. I feel like such a big kid now. Go me.

bits of my weekend.

Three things I learned this weekend:

1. I all of sudden became a meat-a-tarian. Not sure if that is a real word or not but just know I was craving and dreaming of steak all weekend. I was tempted to order steak as an appetizer as I was waiting for my steak.
2. EVERYTHING is better is tiny form. For instance, chocolate milk is delicious, but it's even better when it comes in a mini bottle. I am coo-coo for mini things.
3. I need self control when it comes to candy. My eyes are bigger than my sweet tooth. I go on something that looks like a mix between a sugar rampage and a sugar shopping spree, binge for 5-10 minutes and then complain for the next 2-3 hours that I feel sick from too much candy. It's a vicious cycle and I will probably never learn my lesson.

STORY TIME!! Gather round.

So, this weekend, I was out to dinner with Steve and our longtime friend Scott. As the waitress seated us I made Steve and Scott sit on the same side of the table. Well, as the time came for the waiter to leave the check he asked if it was all together or if we needed it split and I said, "those two (as in Steve and Scott) are together and I'm separate." I was joking and it made the waiter laugh and I embarrassed the hell out Steve and Scott.  They eventually laughed. It was hilarious and it was awesome.

...now i know my ABC's!!

Because I have nothing else to do... actually, that's a lie. I have a lot that needs to be done that I've been professional at putting off. So since I'm bad at time management, I will do this thing that I got from soulBacon

A= Available - Nope.
B= Best Friend - Steve, my Sisters, Lacey and Shandey.
C= Cake or pie - Definitely cake. More specifically, red velvet cake. Cake brings people together. Pie just gets smashed on peoples faces in attempts to be funny and get on Youtube.  
D= Drink of choice - Mountain Dew!! You know how humans are 60-75% water? Well, I'm pretty sure I am 60-75% Mountain Dew. I say that with pride and a little bit of shame. But mostly pride.
E= Essential item you use everyday - Hmmm. Make-up? Sure, I'll go with make-up.
F= Favorite color - It's a close tie between red and blue.
G= Gummy bears or worms - BOTH. You really expect me to choose between those two?
H= Hometown - Taylorsville, Utah. The locals in Taylorsville call it: T-ville, The ville, etc. I am glad to declare I've never participated in those shenanigans.
I= Indulgences - Cereal. Cereal for sure.
J= January or February - Despite my abundant hate for January, I actually prefer it over February.
K= Kids and Names - I say NO to kids. Mostly because they say no to me and the games I make up first. But yeah, no kids for me.
L= Life is incomplete without? - Cereal, cheese fries, pickles, beds, showers, dogs and more dogs.
M= Marriage date - Ha! That's funny.
N= Number of siblings - two older sisters.
O= Oranges or apples - Apples. No, wait, Oranges. No.. Strawberries. Oh wait, strawberries isn't even an option. Apples. I'm too indecisive for this survey!!
P= Phobias or Fears - Honestly, it would be easier to list what phobias and fears I DON'T have. You see Reader, I am a gigantic baby. My biggest phobia is large empty spaces. My biggest fear is [insert drumroll here] ........the dark.
Q= Favorite Quote - “So many people enter and leave your life, Hundreds of thousands of people. You have to keep the door open so they can come in, but it also means you have to let them go.” Jonathan Safran Foer
R= Reason to smile - It looks better than crying.
S= Season - Winter.
T= Tag 3 or 4 people - You, him, and her.
U= Unknown fact about me - If I tell you an unknown fact about me, then I won't have anything to tell the next time someone asks me for an unknown fact. Okay, okay. Stop giving me that look and I'll tell you one. I  have a dream about being a passenger on the Titanic when it sinks about 2-3 times a week. If you have ANY idea what this might mean, please tell me.
V= Vegetable you don't like - BEANS.
W= Worst habit - Turning the sink on whenever I go to the bathroom. Tee hee.
X= X-rays - My left arm when I broke it when I fell out of a tree when I was four. Oh and the x-ray vision I have to see your undies.
Y= Your favorite food - Cereal and cheese fries. And steak. And some more cereal.
Z= Zodiac Sign - I am a Cancer. And a very big Cancer at that. I have every personality trait that a Cancer is supposed to have.

photo of the day #104

Dad forgot to get the family the swimming pool for Christmas they had been begging for all year. So, the Mom and three daughters "forgot" to get him a matching pair of jammies for their annual Christmas photo.

and i quote.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again."

-Sylvia Plath

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."

-Sylvia Plath 

"I desire the things which will destroy me in the end."

-Sylvia Plath

"The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence."

-Sylvia Plath 

the day my food lost its taste.

It’s gone. It’s really gone. *sniff, sniff* I can’t believe it’s just… gone.

Reader, I was/ am attached to my first car, the Ford Exploder, ahem, I mean Explorer. It’s almost concerning. Her name was Dora... Dora the Explorer (ha!) My first born already has a lot of competition because I’m pretty sure I will love that Explorer more than my first born.  

I’ll be honest, Dora had its hefty deal of issues. Most people would be worried and alarmed when she shut off on her own while at a stop light, but to me, it was the most adorable thing. It gave her character and personality. Dora could do no wrong!!

The buyer who made the best offer was on his way to pick up my child *COUGH* I mean Dora. I was sitting on the curb next to her to spend as much time with her as I could before she would be taken away from me forever. I took her for one last drive around the block, ‘twas the best and most sad drive of my life. I said my goodbyes to her and explained how much I would miss her and always love her. Thirty-five minutes later, my goodbye was finally finished and I sat there in silence with Dora.

The buyer called and said he was five minutes away. I had five minutes left with her. FIVE MINUTES. After I hung up, I started to cry and continued to cry until he arrived. Many of my neighbors walked by and looked at me as if I was an abandoned child with broken legs but I didn’t care.

I gave the new, lucky owner the title and key to Dora… and little did he know he basically took my heart with it too.

  

I have a message to the new owner: YOU WILL NEVER LOVE AND UNDERSTAND DORA LIKE I DID!!

So here I am today. Being overly dramatic. Feeling hollow, lifeless. My food has no taste. My music has no tune. My water has no splash. The world has no color!! 

To see other posts where I have expressed my unusual love for Dora, go here, and here.

a birthday boy!

Happy birthday Zach Braff!

I want to have your children. 

I hope that didn't make you uncomfortable.

Love, Kaleena. 

q & a

 Question:

How is it that I still don't have anything to talk about it? This is coming from a girl that many times has been asked "do you ever stop talking?" or "wow, you do have a lot to say." or "do you want to play the quiet game?"

Answer: 

I don't know.

So hmm. HMMMM. My birthday is coming up in June... and for the first time in the history of ever I am not excited. I don't have any paper chain countdowns. I haven't made any wishlists. I do not want to turn 22. So instead of celebrating my 22nd birthday, I will simply be celebrating the 1st anniversary of my 21st birthday. Because I'm overly dramatic and annoying like that. 

I haven't made any lists in a while... here is a list of things I'm thankful for today:

1. The rain.

2. My adorable umbrella that I finally remembered to take so I could actually use it.

3. My Sisters.

4. Food.

However, there is one thing that I'm not thankful for today and that is:

1. Whatever it was I ate that made me so sick that I had to turn down a piece of chocolate birthday cake that was the size of my head. I wanted that piece of cake but my stomach said NO.