three in one.

You know my head is especially noisy today when I post THREE times on here. My head feels like a TV today... it feels like there are many channels playing at once up there. Some are more clearer and louder than others and some are still fuzzy and I'm trying to see what's beyond the fuzz. My head is flipping through the channels and I'm just trying to see what it all means or is trying to say.

Utah.

I really love Utah. It's such a pretty place with so much variety. We have the (tiny) city, the mountains, the lakes, the desert, the suburban areas, the rural areas. I've never hated Utah.. besides the lame rules of everything basically being closed on Sunday or closing early. But lately, I feel like I have outgrown Utah. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Is this just normal for a 24 year old? Or do I really not belong here anymore? I picture myself living somewhere like Seattle or New York. I've always adored San Fransisco but I can't see myself living there. And since right now I eat things like Ramen and Mac & Cheese, living in those cities are both very unrealistic but I feel a pull towards those cities and I want to make it a reality.

I want to live in an apartment where I can walk downstairs, step out and I'll immediately  be apart of the people of the city. Or where I can walk to anywhere I need to be. I don't really have much here in Utah so I won't be leaving anything behind and I would love a fresh start.

So that's my new goal. Work hard and save up to move to either Seattle or New York.

Anywhere but here.

basically, i suck.

WOO! My first post as a 24 year old. YEAAAHH!! WELL ALRIGHT!

Aaaand it feels the exact same as it did when I was 23... and 22... and 21... and OMG, have I had this thing for that long? Well allow me to shout "wowzers bowzers!" at that news because it sure hasn't seemed like that long.

I have some serious regret going on right now that I haven't been writing more on here during these last few months. These have been some crucial months for me where I have grown and learned so much about myself and life. Everything I once thought I knew, isn't. And everything I once felt, can't. And everything I once thought I wanted, won't. Did that make sense?

OH! Two nights ago, my friend Kylee told me I had really good word choice to explain feelings and how things are or feel. And that made me feel great because for some reason that is a huge compliment for me.

Some events of my life these last few months:

-Had a birthday that ended with me turning 24. Wat.
-Met JOHN DENSMORE of the DOORS. I was talking to and  standing by someone Jim Morrison once did and it was amazing. I love the Doors. Best band ever and that's just a fact.
-Bunny was checked into the vet to be hospitalized because he was sick. :( it was some sad and scary times but he recovered and is back to being sassy and cute.
-Became addicted to VINE. I basically open that app and LOL forever. And luckily, my roommate/friend is addicted to it too so when I find a really funny one, I run into her room and show her and LOL together. But It also makes me feel highly uncreative.
-Learning how hard it is to be responsible and making enough money to make ends meet. Sheesh, money is stressful sometimes. Ugh.

I will be here more now to explain more about how I've grown and the lessons I've learned. I need these hard times because without them you can't learn anything or grow. You don't learn anything from happiness and peace. At least I don't anyway.

how can you trust your feelings if they can change so sudden.

Ugh.

This movie. I think of it and all I can come up with is "ugh". Not the bad kind of "ugh", but it just left me so emotionally raw and pensive where I can't come up with words. It was a deep and emotional experience. Obviously I cried.

I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying because it was a realization of an ugly, sad truth I won't be able to get around.

If you have never seen this movie, you have to watch it alone. It's not a buddy movie. It's very deep and engaging.

This is the most true and accurate as a love story in a movie gets. Remember how at the start of (500) Days of Summer where it says, this is not a love story, it's a story about love? It's like that.

I used to be such a hopeless romantic, but when I see movies like this where you see that love in reality isn't what the movies or catchy pop/love songs portray it as, it leaves you feeling kind of hopeless and that anything good will eventually unravel and nothing happens how you plan.

I feel like Juno from Juno. I just need to know that two people can stay together and be happy with each other no matter what. No matter the hard times. No matter the age. No matter the money. No matter the job, etc.

 

love hate realtionship: MONEY

I am looking forward to the day where I won't have to live paycheck to paycheck...

Where my plans and life won't revolve around when I'm getting paid next.

I really hate this "lifestyle" where it's ruled by my payroll schedule. It reminds me of that one song that always seems to be playing at Denny's at 3am by the Verve, Bittersweet Symphony...

"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die"

 





With all this being said... I want to announce that I have successfully made it through this last week on very minimal funds and I am now pro at how to conserve and how to make a gas of tank last longer than possible even though that orange gas tank has lit up on the dash.

 

I am grateful to experience this time in my life thought, because it makes me realize how hard you have to work for something and earn some weird sense of independence. This will all mean something someday.

 

My spellcheck isn't working for some reason, and I'm far too lazy to go proof read this so I kindly ask you to not judge me if you caught an error. 

change is never easy; you fight to hang on and you fight to let go.

HELLO.

As of January 6th I have been living out at Shandey's house (just til February 1st...).
Just me and the little bunny friend living in their extra bedroom.
Everything is fine, it's just so we can "test run" what it will be like living with each other in Chicago.

Honestly, it's a hard adjmustment. As much as I love Shandey and my nieces, it's a lifestyle i'm not used to. The hardest part is not seeing Steve everyday. Ha, we are three days in and that has been my biggest struggle. I miss him. I think about him a lot. When I listen to the very bottom of my heart, I think this time I'm away at Shandey's is going to be good for more than one reason.

Not being at our apartment has really taught me how much of a homebody I am and how easily homesick I can be. I mean, I'm 30 minutes away from my apartment and I'm feeling like I'm in another country. Shandey has a nice, loving, warm home but nothing feels like my home.

A while ago I wrote on here, "Home is not a house, city, state, town, room, or street. Home is a person. And Steve is my home."

Normally, Kaleena would say "this is way too difficult and making me too sad to have this much distance from Steve and our apartment" but this new Kaleena that is weird and is all like "No, you are going to stay here and gain something from this experience. You aren't weak anymore."

Want to know how to know if you are crazy? You lecture youself and call yourself names. Ha. Insanity is great.

Just twenty-three more days and I'll be back in the Avenues. Home.

chicago.

Did you know?

I'm moving to Chicago in May.

Am I freaking terrified? Yes. (because it's a big change and everyone knows I cannot handle change).

Am I also freaking excited? Oh of course.

I'm moving with my sister Shandey and her family. Her husband, Chris, got a job offer there and I'm going because I don't really have anything tying me down here.

I know I'll be homesick for sure, but I have to get over that and stay.
I want to go because I would regret it more if I stayed here instead of moving there and regretting it.

Who knows, I may end up really loving it there and never come back to Utah.

I'll miss everything and everyone here, but I'm ready for the next thing.
The lifestyle I've been living for the last year has made me insane I think.

When I picture my life in a city I am unfamiliar with and where no one will know me, it gives  me anxiety.
But deep down under all my uncertainty with this huge change and move, I really feel like something great will come out of it. 

Here is home, I guess.

breaking down.

I never thought I would be laying here on my bed
with neon copper penny hair.

But I am.

But that's what happens when you dye your hair dark dark dark red for 1+ year and then listen to someone's advice on using a permanent hair color remover from Walgreens.

I have an appointment with Candace in the morning to take me all the way back to blonde.

...


I felt nothing.
I didn't want to stay up late
and
I didn't want to go to bed.

music is my boyfriend.

Remember how stupid that one song was where music was everything to her? I always hated that song. But it somehow ended up as the title of this post.

I need to be honest. Because I am professional at portraying myself one way when I’m really suffering.
I’m not happy with myself. I don’t mean unhappy with my hair, clothes, personality, skills, etc. I know I have a lot of things to be happy with like my health, job, family, home, etc. But at the end of the day, I’m not proud or content with where I’m at at this point in my life. I am 23 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything major besides graduating high school. I haven’t taken any big risks or chances. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla, standard life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any crazy stories or nights under my belt, or that I’ve never done anything wild… but part of me is happy with my decisions. I’m still so young that it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” or if I even want to get married (some days I dream of it, some days I swear I will never be somebody’s anything). But what makes me worry is I don’t think I’m ever going to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m afraid I’m never going to be really great at something that will allow me to accomplish anything great or huge. I want to create oppourtunities and live a life that would get a “based on a true story” movie made after it.

If the world was “Arrested Development” my life would be Ann. Ann-Hog. Egg.

Once apon a time when I was 18 and single, I was really happy with what I had going for me. I was discovering the “real world” after high-school. The life that was outside of Taylorsville High School and my friend’s basement. I had a full-time job (1pm-9pm), making new friends, staying up/out late, planning all the tattoos I would get, reading new genres of books, questioning things more, starting to rely on me to support myself instead of my parents. I really grew up and I was happy because I was doing things I had never done before and I was learning about what I enjoyed. It’s amazing how much you don’t know about yourself when you do the same routine every day.

Some people have a plan of what they want to acheive or have by blank age. I want to have a very loose plan that will still give me structure but will allow me to be spontaneous. I don’t care if I end up married with kids or single and owning a boutique in the city… all I want is to live a life that I am proud of at the end of the day and that makes me happy when I’m falling asleep.

this will be long and honest. probably.

I feel like I need to be more honest and clear on here. I haven't in a long time... and I think it's because I've been running away from some things and some feelings. I eventually will have to stop running, and when I do, they will be there.

Some days, I am not okay. Most days I am. But some days I'm really not.

I have a tendancy to overthink everything that happens to me and everything that is going on. And I don't know when it got this out of control. I overthink things that haven't even happened to me, like the things I worry about or what I am scared of happening. I can't make it stop. My brain is never quiet and I need it to be quiet sometimes.

So here is what is going on.

Steve and I broke up back in June 2011. Since then, we have maintained a very close, functioning friendship/relationship. It was not easy at first and when I look back now I really am disappointed in the way I dealt with heartbreak and how weak I came off as. Even though Steve and I are still close and important in each other's lives, I regret not moving out on the worst day. Why didn't I? I can't remember why I didn't. Everyone was telling me to and I didn't. But he was my home and I wasn't ready to leave my home. I wasn't ready. He was such a happy part of my life and if I left, all the happy would be gone. This feeling of regret sucks. Since Steve and I still got along really well I was convinced and determined to make things work. It was exhausting. It was all I could think about. I couldn't eat, sleep, or do anything that wouldn't remind me of how hurt I was and how I wanted things back to the way they were. We would talk about everything and it would always end unresolved. Now, I have accepted that whatever happens will happen and we don't know the future so we just need to step back and live. I will always love Steve and I know he will always love me. We have come a long way and I feel grateful that we can still be the way we are. I knew life without Steve and with Steve, and I know the life I lived with Steve was much better and that's what I still struggle with. What if I never find that again? What if it's never as good? What if I'm always feeling a pull to somewhere that I don't even know?

That brings me to my next thought.

Some days, I don't know if it's having Steve as my boyfriend I miss or just having that type of relationship that I miss. Deep down I know which one it is. I've gotten to the point where I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm constantly looking for it. I feel a deep restlessness to find it but I have no idea what it is.

I never have a feeling of "this is where I'm supposed to be". Even when I was younger, I would have fun with my friends and could have fun with a group, but I never felt like it was where I belonged. This is kind of harder to explain, because I love my friends and enjoy(ed) being with them, but I never felt settled.

I'm just slow with everthing I do. I'm a slow mover. Before I do anything, it's a slow process. I've moved on but very slowly. It took forever before I could date and when I went on the first date, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. It was a whole new universe and nothing felt right. But when I got home, I was proud that I went when I really wanted to stay home.

I'm really afraid of the unknown and I'm even more afraid that someday I might have to live with that the best of my life has already happened. Until then, I guess I can just take it one day at a time, don't worry about things I can't control, and stay positive.

So anyway, there's that.

DISORDER.

Well, I have it.

I knew it.

surprise, surprise.

Well I am certainly NOT surprised right now.

Lately, especially at work, I cannot... CANNOT focus or stay concentrated.

I sit down and I have to stand back up. I walk to the break room and walk back to my desk. I sit down and I look for something to do. Hop onto the internet. Get bored. Start looking for something to pick at. Pick my split ends. Get bored. Get up to walk again.

I have to constantly be moving or I feel a deep restlessness.

Does this sound exhausting? It's awful. It's exhausting.

I thought it was because I was bored at work. But these last few months, I've been noticing I'm like this at home. I can't sit still and I can't ever finish a thought, daydream, etc. When I actually thought about it, I concluded that no matter what I'm doing or thinking about, I get bored easy, can't focus, and feel restless.

In conclusion, I am going to the doctors to get tested for ADHD.

worrying will never change the outcome.

I need to remember this:

 

 

 

IN OTHER NEWS: When I Googled "worrying won't change the outcome" this is one of the first images that came up haha

 

 

Sure, why not? I guess polar bears that are stuck on snowballs (or is that an iceberg?) worry too.



a pedestrian weekend.

Another weekend has come and gone,
another weekend that wasn't even long.

It's Monday and I am writing stupid poems. What is happening? Well, I don't know. But I do know that I am bored at work and sometimes I write dumb poems when I'm bored.

This weekend was pretty... pedestrian.

Friday: Drove up to Logan. Watched the Utah Utes football team get beat by Utah State. OH MY GAH. Such a sad and depressing event to see.

Saturday: Spent napping, eating, eating, snacking, complaining that I eat too much, and snacking. Then to top this day off, we went down to Buffalo Wild Wings (or as Shandey calls it, Buffalo Wild Bills) and ate some more. What a wonderful thing eating and complaining is.

Sunday: Nothing. But my niece Molly was born and she is a sweet little baby bean.

It's pretty rainy and cloudy and awesome today. So my plans for when I get home is to get my jammy jams, put in Scott Pilgrim vs The World in the ol' DVD machine and watch it. You can join if you want because as of right now it looks like it will be a one woman pajama party!

annoying sniffles.

I have an annoying cold.

Dry cough.

My nose feels runny but nothing happens with I blow my nose.

My lungs burn and hurt... especially when I cough.

And I constantly feel hot. Like a fever or something.

UGH.

All I wanted to do was sleep last night so I could wake up and feel like a normal girl. But this cold refused to let me have that.

UGH.

So I will just go drink a bottle of Nyquil, read my Harry Potter on my Harry Potter pillow case, and hope for the best.

spider: please find a new place for your nasty home.

 There is a disgusting spider that is currently living in the doorway to our apartment building. Why he chose that spot to build a nasty ol' web, I may never know. I just wish that he chose another spot. Like a spot that I don't have to walk by numerous times a day! Not to mention, the web is RIGHT NEXT TO the code box where we have to enter the code to get in. But it's given me the chance to work on typing the code in world record time [probably].

I usually don't mind spiders... I get it. We have to have them. Food chain and circle of life and what not. But I just want to know why we have to have such big ones. Ugh. A quick Google search of 'why do so some spiders have to be so freaking big?' didn't really answer that question.

Here is a picture of the bastard.

scared.

Whenever I am going through a bad time in my life or just a bad day, it seems like it will never end. I get the feeling that I'm doomed for it to be that way forever. When this happens I always forget to remind myself that everything eventually passes and everything works out somehow.

I'm not proud or happy with how I've dealt with my problems this last year... mostly meaning the breakup with me and Steve. (ugh, I still hate typing that out). I completely allowed myself to fall apart and let time freeze. I know when something that traumatic happens, you should let yourself fall apart (at some level) so you can experience the pain, accept it and move on. But I pretty much just would fall apart and not want to get on with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have been going on lots of dates and have even "liked" guys since then and still living my life. But some days the teeniest tiniest thing would happen, mostly me finding an old movie stub or picture, and I would fall apart. I'm really mad at myself for being that weak.

I'm not scared to move on from the chapter in my life where Steve and I were a couple... the thing that makes it seem impossible is our history and the memories. It's scary not knowing what is going to happen but maybe that is something that I should be excited about.

I need to change my mentality from here on out. From now on I won't allow myself to get lost in our past and "what ifs." I need to only look forward and only worry about the things that I have complete control over.

me and the cat that was sitting by my apartment.

I always knew that talking to a cat in public couldn't end well.... and yesterday I proved this point to be true.

So there I was. Walking to the front door of our building from the back ally. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something sitting and I thought it was a bag or something but it was a cat.

I'm not a cat person (but it depends) but this cat was adorable. It looked like it could be funny too. It was light gray with dark gray stripes and bright green eyes. So I stopped and said in the voices that people talk to animals in, "Hi kitty cat. What are you doing?" and the cat just looked back at me like it was interested. So I said, "Where did you come from kitty cat? Just wanting to sit under some shade?"

[ oh my gosh, this story is making me sound insane ]

The cat just kept staring back at me. So I felt like I should keep saying stuff to it. So I said "You are cute lil kitty cat! ..." just as I was going to finish the sentence, it did a very peculiar blink that looked like it was above the conversation we were having and it looked away as if to say "okay, you are boring me. NEXT."

That's when I said, "Oh, i'm sorry cat, am I boring you?" in a really sassy, Jerry Springer type tone. Just then, I noticed some people were standing not too far away from me.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, yeah. I'm THAT girl now. The girl that was talking to a cat.

cars. ugggggghh. cars.

Remember how I said there is nothing worse than car trouble?

Well, all it takes is some even worse news on my car to make me have a breakdown about my entire life.

Ugh.

nothing worse than car trouble.

On Friday, my car quit working. It was also Friday the 13th. Usually I'm not superstitious, but...............

So my car is the repair shop now, will be ready tomorrow. I hate the feeling of not having a car. The feeling of having to rely on someone else to give you a ride. Ugh.

When my car breaks down... so much more happens then just a bunch of swear words when it won't start.

-I lose my reliable transportation.
-I lose a lot of money going towards fixing it.
-I lose the privilege of driving around in the rain for fun... which is now. It's raining now.

Can I please express my excitement for fall and winter coming up. I really don't enjoy the summer..... like, at all. Everything from the weather to the clothing. I mean, as much as humid head and exotic bugs finding their way in your house is enjoyable, I can't wait for the freezing cold weather. And after all, winter is the official season for hermits. So it's only natural I'm excited for the fall and winter.

sigh.

"There's something in my eyes;
you know it happens everytime
I think about the love that I thought would save me."

-Jim Croce
Operator