these days.

These days,
I either feel everything at once
or
nothing at all.

I don't know what is worse.
Feeling like I'm drowning in feelings
or
being so thirsty for them I don't know who I am.

life is a test and i get bad marks.

I looooove music. I always have. When I was little, I would stay up late in my room listening to my radio (the oldies station) just to hear my favorite songs (mostly CCR, Jim Croce, the Byrds, the Beatles). And I remember the feeling of hearing the start of the my favorite song. It was the best feeling in the world. I'm sure music has done more for me than therapy would any day.

To this day, I am still pretty much really into music. I want to somehow create something that has all my favorite lyrics. Can't come up with anything yet.

This is an old instax of me and Steve.

Found it last night and I was overwhelmed with so many different emotions.

same hair, new style.

I am as fickle as they come. Who 'they' is, I don't know but I am one of them I guess. I change my mind and feelings on everything so much that sometimes I just get impulsive.

Basically, my hair gets to experience my fickleness the most. That's why I go from bangs to no bangs, dark to blonde, from blonde to dark... even though every time I go back to blonde after dark, I swear it will be my last time. LOL at me ever saying anything is for the last time.

My recent act of impulsion was decided I wanted to get a 'long bob' haircut. Or a 'long a-line' The idea popped into my head around noon last Monday and by 5:45 that night, I had the haircut.

Here is what I asked for:

And this is what I got:

You can't tell but it's a bit shorter in the back. And basically I love it. It doesn't take that long to dry and style and I can wear it in a tiny ponytail. Also, do you know what is awkward? One woman fedora photo-shoots in your room while your bunny watches you.

24 next month. wut.

Age is weird. Not the concept of age or accepting that you are getting older.. but just remembering.

The other day I was at a gas station and a cop was like "are you 17?" (not sure why he was asking that, I was just standing in line with a Mountain Dew. Pervert)

So I said, "No, I'm of legal age."

He replied with, "21?"

And I thought to myself... Am I 21 or 22? And I was like Duh, I'm 24.

Well later that day I realized/remembered that I am 23. LOL. Wut?

So I'm twenty-four next month and it's weird because I still feel like I'm nineteen. I wish I was nineteen. I liked nineteen. I will make a list of twenty-four things.. hmm.. how about, twenty-four things I just suck at. Because when you are me, there are a lot of things you suck at.

I suck at...

1. Getting stuff done that needs to be done. I moved a month ago and there is STILL stuff in my trunk I should unpack. But no. Just no.

2. Planning ahead.

3. Getting enough sleep.

3. Not over analyzing EVERYTHING.

4. Remembering everything I need at the grocery store.

5. Cooking.

6. Math.

7. Resisting to talk to animals I see walking past me.

8. Staying focused.

9. Drinking more water than pop.

Here is an unplanned intermission from this boring list... I got a haircut and it's kind of short and I love it because it looks and feels healthy again but I hate it because I have no split ends to pick at. Now what will I do on the phone or in traffic??

10. Making small and big decisions.

11. Staying mad at someone. Actually, this depends. I have been known to hold a grudge.

12. Articulating what I want to say.

13. Remembering what I was going to say.

14. Coming up with lists that needs twenty-four items.

15. Using the same amount of shampoo and conditioner so they run out at the same time.

16. Using my bread and produce before they expire or go gross.

17. Remembering to text back.

18. Writing.

19. Having legible handwriting.

20. Saving money.

21. Not being shy.

22. Knowing where a letter in the alphabet is without singing the entire alphabet.

23. Doing stuff on my bucket list.

24.Being an adult.

one fish, two fish, who is dr seuss.

This was one of the best weekends I've had in a loooooong time. That long needs more "o's" for emphasis. In a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

On Friday I went to this mummy exhibit at the Leonardo museum with my good friend Brad that I used to work with. Mummies are so interesting but equally creepy. I was in the mummy's faces like "whoooa, this mummy was once an actual human being who loved, and had a family, and was walking around and now he is just here in this case being a mummy."

Then on Saturday I went fishing. And it honestly was so much fun. Kids at a five year old birthday party who have access to unlimited soda, cotton candy, and ice cream who can later bounce around in an inflatable bounce-house without any adults nagging them to not jump so high don't have as much fun as I did fishing. I didn't catch anything, but who cares. We hiked up Bell's canyon and went fishing there and it was so peaceful and calm. After we fished it was rock time. We chucked rocks into the lake which is oddly of my favorite nature-related hobbies. Then the rest of the night was spent drinking beer and people watching at the bar, Hog's Wallow. And I agree, it does sound like something straight from Harry Potter.

This is a picture I captured myself from fishing... I didn't rip it off from a nature magazine. It's legit from my phone.

Sunday was Sunday. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (from what I could tell from my window). I was chin deep in Sunday mode and was in bed all day watching the Office on DVD, drinking Squeez-its and trying to avoid my real adult problems.

this is my life.

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

life is weird.

My life is really weird right now. I'm at a really confusing spot. 

Everything I thought I was sure of at one point has me confused. How can you trust your feelings if they can just disappear like that?

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between my old life and my new life and I'm still having a hard time letting go of the old and comfortably entering my new life.

I'm really happy with these new changes and I've been outside my comfort zone, but I still feel kind of lost... I don't have any direction and I don't know what I'm doing. But the thing is, if I had the choice to go back to my old life and everything that was once mine and my happy place, I don't know if I want that anymore. I think about my past a lot and I miss a lot of things, but I don't know if that means that's what I want or if it was because it was part of me for so long that it's my security blanket.