dear 2012 : BYE.

Today is the last day of 2012. YAY.

Thinking back.. I didn't really like 2012. It had its special moments where I did like it... but it's just not enough to say it was my favorite year. If 2012 was a person, I would most likely be flipping it off right now. Nothing will ever beat 2009 and 2010.

I'm excited for 2013. Mostly because I'm moving to CHICAGO. I've been walking around Chicago (via Google maps of course) and I like it. I hope I can maintain this feeling of eagerness and excitement... otherwise I will be a crying mess come May.

So cheers to a new year that I hopefully won't hate and won't leave me bitter.

and now some quotes just because i love them!

"A true friend stabs you in the front." Oscar Wilde

"So if I have to leave you, I want you to know that in the end, it wasn't because I stopped caring. It was because you stopped being a friend." - I Don't Know but :'(

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou  

chicago.

Did you know?

I'm moving to Chicago in May.

Am I freaking terrified? Yes. (because it's a big change and everyone knows I cannot handle change).

Am I also freaking excited? Oh of course.

I'm moving with my sister Shandey and her family. Her husband, Chris, got a job offer there and I'm going because I don't really have anything tying me down here.

I know I'll be homesick for sure, but I have to get over that and stay.
I want to go because I would regret it more if I stayed here instead of moving there and regretting it.

Who knows, I may end up really loving it there and never come back to Utah.

I'll miss everything and everyone here, but I'm ready for the next thing.
The lifestyle I've been living for the last year has made me insane I think.

When I picture my life in a city I am unfamiliar with and where no one will know me, it gives  me anxiety.
But deep down under all my uncertainty with this huge change and move, I really feel like something great will come out of it. 

Here is home, I guess.

breaking down.

I never thought I would be laying here on my bed
with neon copper penny hair.

But I am.

But that's what happens when you dye your hair dark dark dark red for 1+ year and then listen to someone's advice on using a permanent hair color remover from Walgreens.

I have an appointment with Candace in the morning to take me all the way back to blonde.

...


I felt nothing.
I didn't want to stay up late
and
I didn't want to go to bed.

we learn so little from peace.

 

This is true.

Another reason to love Chuck Palahniuk.

The times when I learn the most about myself and really gain something from an experience is when I'm suffering. 

A happy memory is nothing more than something to think of when you are realizing that nothing lasts forever.

the troubles of cooking.

Will there ever be a day where I won't burn whatever I'm attempting to cook in the kitchen?

Will there ever be a day when I won't have to buy a backup dinner in case the one I'm making doesn't work?

Ugh. I am trying so hard to be better at cooking. I follow the freaking recipe (how hard can it be?) and it never turns out. I can make really good easy dinners but I want to get where I can make a ballin' Sunday dinner that people will be saddened to find out there aren't seconds.

I am this close to giving up. My self esteem (in the kitchen) can't handle it anymore.

Basically my kitchen when I'm done cooking:

music is my boyfriend.

Remember how stupid that one song was where music was everything to her? I always hated that song. But it somehow ended up as the title of this post.

I need to be honest. Because I am professional at portraying myself one way when I’m really suffering.
I’m not happy with myself. I don’t mean unhappy with my hair, clothes, personality, skills, etc. I know I have a lot of things to be happy with like my health, job, family, home, etc. But at the end of the day, I’m not proud or content with where I’m at at this point in my life. I am 23 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything major besides graduating high school. I haven’t taken any big risks or chances. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla, standard life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any crazy stories or nights under my belt, or that I’ve never done anything wild… but part of me is happy with my decisions. I’m still so young that it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” or if I even want to get married (some days I dream of it, some days I swear I will never be somebody’s anything). But what makes me worry is I don’t think I’m ever going to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m afraid I’m never going to be really great at something that will allow me to accomplish anything great or huge. I want to create oppourtunities and live a life that would get a “based on a true story” movie made after it.

If the world was “Arrested Development” my life would be Ann. Ann-Hog. Egg.

Once apon a time when I was 18 and single, I was really happy with what I had going for me. I was discovering the “real world” after high-school. The life that was outside of Taylorsville High School and my friend’s basement. I had a full-time job (1pm-9pm), making new friends, staying up/out late, planning all the tattoos I would get, reading new genres of books, questioning things more, starting to rely on me to support myself instead of my parents. I really grew up and I was happy because I was doing things I had never done before and I was learning about what I enjoyed. It’s amazing how much you don’t know about yourself when you do the same routine every day.

Some people have a plan of what they want to acheive or have by blank age. I want to have a very loose plan that will still give me structure but will allow me to be spontaneous. I don’t care if I end up married with kids or single and owning a boutique in the city… all I want is to live a life that I am proud of at the end of the day and that makes me happy when I’m falling asleep.

here is a picture of my bunny eating a rose.

I read that bunnies love to eat roses.

So I bought Lou a single yellow rose at Smiths.

He didn't appear to love it, but he did eat it.

I never thought I would be buying an animal a rose.

but then again...

I never thought I would find myself laying next to a bunny cage making songs up about him to the tune of "the Brady Bunch"

 

 



signs you are an adult... but not all the way.

1. When you find a quarter or a bunch of quarters, the first thought is, "YAY! LAUNDRY MONEY!"

2. When you see a kid skateboarding without a helmet, you think, "oh that looks dangerous, he should be wearing a helmet."

3. When you don't sort through candy to get all of your favorite colors. I used to hate the orange and yellow Starbursts... now I just eat them because I like them. WHAT.

But then...

1. When I go to the store, I will still find Capri Suns and Gushers in my cart and not one bit of fruit or veggies.

2. I notice that I have been pulling ugly faces in the bathroom mirror twenty minutes after I'm done putting on my makeup...

3. When I still will go out of  my way to watch the Simpsons instead of the local news. (but I have all the major news sources on my phone so I still know what is going on around me).

lover.

Yesterday was Jim Morrison's birthday. I really think I get more excited for his birthday than  my own for some reason. If only he was still alive... I would know what it would be like for someone to have a restraining order on me. Ha. I LOVE JIM MORRISON and I would write letters to tell him how good his living room furniture looks from his front lawn.

I mean look at that face...

That hair!

And listen to this voice/music....

Hello, I love you.

my phone camera pretty much sucks.

I love how each sunrise and sunset all are brand new. How there is never a sunrise or sunset that looks the same. When I first walked out of our building this morning, I saw a bright pink light through the door window and I thought, oh boy this is gonna be a good one. And it was! So many pretty colors! Pinks, oranges, purples, blues, I even think I saw a teal in there. JK. I wish.

Obviously, my first reaction is to take a picture. 

(there are 1800 pictures on my phone and I think 900 are of Lou and the other 900 are of sunrises/sunsets) 

But alas, by phone camera sucks and this is what a beautiful morning looks like according to my phone:

My phone did an expert job at making the sunrise look like crap and took away most of the colors and vividness.

december!

It's here!

My favorite month out of the whole entire freaking year!

Not just because of Christmas, but that does have a huge part.

Anyway, this weekend was so fun but I have like two pictures for proof. WTF.

Friday:
Steve and I went over to his friend Dennis' house and hung out and played Mario Kart. He lives near Westminster and he has THEE cutest doggy named Daisy. She is 50% Pit Bill, 50% Lab and 100% adorable. Trust me. She has better manners than most humans I know, too. Ha. She liked to cuddle me too so it was a win all around. I want that dog.

Saturday:
A lot of nothing happened this day, but it was needed. Steve and I woke up, lounged around, the bunny played around on my lap and we watched Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman (have you watched this? SO intriguing) and then we decided we cannot watch food shows when we have nothing to eat. So we went down to Mokis and get take out. It hit all the right spots a hungry stomach could ask for. Then we got tired from all the nothing doing and eating so we napped (haha) then woke up and went and saw Skyfall. OMG. It doesn't matter what kind of movies you like you NEED to go see this. I'm being 100% serious when I say that I did the "raise the roof" motion in the theater when the credits started. It was amazing.

Sunday:
My newest niece Molly got blessed so I went to church to witness it and then went and ate lunch at my sister's house. Then I got in some serious bunny play time which we both loved and then we went down to eat dinner at Steve's parent's house.