sunday is not a funday.

Who really believes Sunday is Sunday Funday?

I spend all of Sunday mentally and emotionally preparing for the next 5 bleak days in which I have to function in an office setting that I believe I was not cut out for.

 Is anybody happy in a 9-5 office setting? 

It's like a florescent tomb.

I feel a lot older than I actually am. 

If I feel this jaded at 26, 

I'm terrified to see what 40 feels like.

yo.

It's 12:38AM on a Friday.
I was up until 4:30AM last night.
Which meant work sucked.
Yawn, work, yawn, work, zone out.
Luckily I function pretty well on no sleep.
But regrettably it makes me grumpy.
But hey
it's all good.
That's what naps are for.

Things i'm looking forward to:
Dressing up as Shaun from Shaun of the Dead.
Sleeping. Ha.
Little things.
Making new playlists on Spotify (user profile https://open.spotify.com/user/1240390918) if you want to follow.
Expressing my perspective more.
Being myself.
Taking more pictures.
Everything for once.


Things i'm not looking forward to:
Still living with anxiety
Anxiety
People who talk a lot without saying anything really.

I need to work on:
Being present in the moment. Not anxious in future moments. Not caught up in past interactions.
Not worrying about what I said 2 weeks ago.
Directing all the buzz going on in my brain towards something productive and meaningful.
Not living through a screen. It creates this in-between reality that is useless. 

a rut.

If you couldn't tell by my last two posts, i'm in a rut. This isn't that surprising or unusual. Especially since I suffer from anxiety and depression.  Normally, I can blame it on something or reason with it...

"Maybe it's cause I haven't been sleeping much."

"Maybe it's cause I don't really eat healthy"

"Maybe it's cause I don't take the time to do the things that make me happy"

And honestly, right now, I can't think of a single thing can be causing this and to me, there isn't anything more frightening. Just knowing you are feeling like you are falling apart for no reason so you don't really know where to start. You just feel lost. Alone. Confused. It's not just the anxiety and depression, either. The best way to explain it is when I'm in a rut, it's like magnifying the anxiety and depression. Ugh. I don't know.

the entire world vibrating around me and i couldn't feel a thing.

Feelings are jkashfuhasdpiupf98w84029384~oe;fae

Feelings for me are never easy, as dumb as that sounds.

 I know I feel a lot of them and I know I feel a lot of them at once, 

but I never know what they mean or what I'm supposed to do with them. 

Or why I feel them. But the weird thing is, I can identify what other people are feeling before they can and help them.

 Explain that.

I have this distinct memory that I go back to very often in my brain. The memory happened on June 1st, 2007. It was a Friday and it was the day I graduated high school. After graduation, there is a party at the school called "Senior Breakout." that starts at 10pm. I remember in the downtime after the graduation ceremony and before Senior Breakout, I was laying on the floor in my bedroom at my parent's house while "Float On" by Modest Mouse played on my iPod (pretty sure it was on shuffle). I lay there listening to the song while I heard Shandey (sister) in her old room with her fiance (now husband) talking about their wedding. I remember just laying on my floor, staring at the ceiling, listening to the song and just thinking, "shouldn't this moment be feeling different? this doesn't feel right. This isn't how I thought this would feel" mostly because... I remember not feeling... anything really. I had just accomplished the biggest thing of my life at that point, my sister was engaged, I had my whole grown-up life in front of me, the supposedly most fun party ever waiting for me at 10pm, --- but I lay there feeling nothing. The entire world vibrating around me and I couldn't feel a thing. I did't feel excited, accomplished, anticipation, relief, happiness, determination, etc. It was very silent inside me at that moment.

Maybe it's because I somehow knew my entire world was going to change and not be what I expected at all.

Life is weird and the concept of time is confusing.

The things your mind and memory grab can be confusing but I think it's important. It will all make sense one day. When this memory happened, it seemed so insignificant and every-day feeling, but it marked a turning point in  my life that I didn't know til now.

hi.

The older I get, the more the only thing I am sure of is that nothing ever really makes sense and you kind of just have to take what you can from living and see what it all means to you at the end of the day. I'm an extroverted feeler and introverted thinker so it makes it hard for me to articulate myself. I'll try my best.

The things that I'm meaning that doesn't make sense are things like.... you can't know better until knowing better is too late. What type of cruel irony is that? It's like, great that we at least eventually know better but that's a special kind of bullshit torture since you can't really do anything about it besides kick yourself.

I don't really know where I am going with this... I was just sleeping in my room with all the lights on and a text message woke me up and here I am. It's 1:30AM.

Right now - one of my favorite things to do is go out on my balcony or even crawl up on my roof anytime after 3AM and look at the city. There is a very quiet sounding loud hum. It kind of feels like I'm the only person existing and I get a secret place where only I can exist. I look at the city and as far as the distance shows it's really a sobering feeling. It really does puts everything into perspective. Suddenly the driver who didn't signal that put me in a bad mood doesn't matter and the worry that I might not ever figure out what kind of person I am doesn't seem as daunting. I look out and I see the place that has been my timeline and map of everything I've ever done and experienced -- the big things at least. It's hard to comprehend that I'm looking at the same place and still living under the same sky where I lived with my first love, played night games as a kid with my neighborhood, spent so many nights/hours driving around with my closest friends, spent many other nights driving around alone wondering where I will ever belong, etc. Is this really the same place? It's all a nostalgic grid.

If i'm being honest - being awake at 3AM and looking out a dark city with soft shimering lights of the town and feeling like I'm the only person existing is the most comforting yet alienating feeling. 

i'm going nowhere, but I'm guaranteed to be late.

This week was awesome because it rained 7 days out of the 7 days that are in the week. And to me, that's all I could ask for in a week. 

Right now, I am counting down the minutes until I'm driving to McDonalds to get McDonalds breakfast. Sometimes you realize that every decision in your life has led you to waiting for it to be midnight so McDonalds breakfast will be served. 

Last night was pretty fun. Some friends and I had plans to see the Classic Rock laser show at the Clark Planetarium that started at 10pm. So leading up to that, we were gonna hang out and get some food. A weird pleasure I have is enjoying trying to get five tummies in sync with something that sounds good to everyone. Sometimes it causes fights or disagreements, but I think it's fun and funny. We landed on sushi so we went to the Happy Sumo. I got the basic Vegas and Venus rolls. And mmm Mmmm MMM! Oh and I taught everyone there how to use chopsticks. 

The laser show was badass. They would put two songs up on the dome/screen and we had to vote which one we wanted to see. The first song was between THE DOORS and MODEST MOUSE. How unfair! How dare they. My two favorite bands - paired against each other. :( It was a tough decision. My friends laughed at the irony. Even today, I'm still flustered that out of all the songs to be voted against, it had to be those two bands. 

Ugh. 

how to be human for dummies.

I went to the good ol' Salt Lake City Library last night. Mainly because I found out that if you move and they find out they don't have your updated address they just expire your card. Seems dumb to me. So I went with my proof of new address and now I am happy with a valid library card once more. The end. Oh wait, no, there is more.

Before I left I asked Lou, my bunny, if he wanted anything from the library. He didn't respond. So I said, "do you want me to get you 'How To Be A Human For Dummies'"? ... still no answer... So then I said, "how about, 'How To Speak English or Make Any Sounds At All?"

Long story short, he's spending his day today reading.

PS - If they really have a book on how to be a human for dummies, that's a book I would need to read.

the burn says it's working.

This is just me. 

Don't get scared... 

like I did when I put this mint face mask on at 1:00AM. 

But when you live alone and it's late 

at night and you wear this mask

your imagination will really activate. 

Since this was a mint mask

it burned a little.

But that just means you are becoming pretty.

blood and nail polish = my monday.

There is a giant bandage/band aid on my right index finger right now --- making it SUPER hard to deliver this post to you. Can you tell how much I love you?

When I got home from work, I was getting some things out of the trunk of my car. Somewhere between the harmless picking up the tshirt up out of my trunk, my index finger was sliced open. (#lifeofkaleena) I didn't even know until I was walking into my apartment and saw blood droplets.

I go inside, walk into my bathroom, In shock that my tiny pointer finger is producing this much blood to gush everywhere. I reach for the box of band aids and accidentally knock over a bottle of nail polish.

*envision a purple nail polish falling from the top shelf to the hard tiled bathroom floor in slow motion as everything is silent*

And just like that, purple nail polish covers the bathroom floor, the bottom of the toilet, some splatters on the rug, and some splatters on the tub. Meanwhile, what the nail polish failed to cover - my finger is covering it in blood. This all happened... 2 minutes apart?

And that's the story how I lost my right hand.

Jk. My right hand is still here, it just took a while for me to bandage it since I had a nail polish shenanigan.

DISCLAIMER: my phone photo quality is CRAP. 

things you will never hear me say PART 1 (of a million probably)

This post is brought to you by me, KALEENA! And it's things you will never hear me say.

Here
we
go.

1. Meh, hygiene isn't a big deal at all.
2. I don't really care about a sense of humor.
3. I wanna go meet a bunch of new people and break the ice with small talk!!
4. I know exactly what I'm doing.
5. I prefer people to always ask me if I'm okay if I'm sitting quiet.
6. That's awesome you can't remember the last book you read.
7. I'll only go if there will be loud people there.
8. I'm never scared in the dark.
9. I can't wait to be a mom!
10. I would love to help you move.
11. Sleeping isn't that important to me.

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear in my mouth...

If you know me or have ever known me, you know I'm not the same Kaleena I once was. Yeah, I still love music and going on long drives (especially on Sundays) and hate odd numbers. That stuff is the same. But apart from that, I'm not the same Kaleena I used to be.  I had my heart broken and my entire world as I knew it turned upside down a couple years ago. Reasons for me not being the same could be anything really... like just growing up, making new or losing old friends, getting my ass kicked by life. But if i'm being honest with you, I think it was having my heart broken into little tiny fragile pieces. A quote comes to mind...

In all our lives, there is a fall from innocence. A time after which, we are never the same

I think that sums it up. 

All of that is in the past. I'm still learning to let go even though I'm starting to believe that you never really let go or get over it, I'll just eventually learn to live with it in my own unique Kaleena way. What I need now is a place where I feel like I belong. To exist. Fit.  

The older I get, the more pressure I feel to have a "plan" or serious goals and to know exactly what I'm doing. And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what is best for me... I don't know what I will want in a year... I don't know if anybody does. Where are you supposed to go when your goals are vague like mine? To feel true happiness. To feel like I'm wanted. To feel like I'm doing the right thing. To feel like i'm experience a life that isn't routine and stale. To feel like I have a purpose.

When I close my eyes, I can feel some peace and clarity. I'm 25 years old, almost 26 in June and so far, I have felt some intense, special, amazing feelings and experiences that has given me the most valuable memories that will last my entire lifetime. 

Like feeling love:

Feeling love and loss:

Unforgettable friendship:

New friendships:

I don't think being confused, lost, scared, or feeling like a failure should be associated with bad.  That's apart of growing up. I think you need to feel those things and go through those things in order to grow as a person and learn about yourself. The best I can do is take steps towards what feels right for me and let everything fall into place. Because right now I feel like I have no direction and I feel lost and confused. 

real life childhood story #99

One time, I had to have been about 10, I lost a baby tooth. 

Instead of running around with excitement showing everyone and losing my mind, I just sat quiet. 

I wanted to know if the Tooth Fairy was real, so I didn't tell my mom I lost a tooth. 

She was tucking me in and saw my tooth on the table by my bed and said,

"Honey, you have to tell me when you lose a tooth! You can't just leave it there!" 

Boom. Instantly found out the Tooth Fairy was as fake as my enthusiasm for life. 

Stay tuned for more childhood stories, featuring me, Kaleena.

the youngest of three.

These are my sisters.
Lacey on the left, me in the middle, and Shandey on the right.
And I love them.
Even on the days where I say they are annoying because damn.
And they love me even though I'm sensitive... or as Shandey would put it:
"sensitive is an understatement"

I love them because they drove around with me one Saturday all day (seriously, AALLL DAY) looking for some curtains (they had to be right shade of purple and basically nowhere sells purple curtains) and just a few miscellaneous (I spelled that right on the first try, yay. go to hell spell check) things I needed for my lil studio apartment. It was a daunting task that had to be done but they were just happy to help and go with me from store to store and more stores.

It sounds like a dumb thing that would make you realize how much you love your sisters or feeling grateful that they are yours, but you get to see how much they care in the little things they do. Like, I mentioned I needed a different toothbrush cause my teeth have gotten more sensitive and as we were wandering around Target, Lacey was crouched down in the aisle digging through all the tooth brushes to find a soft bristle one and she picked an electric blue and a deep teal for me to choose from because she knows I would like those colors.

TLDR; feelings

I love them because:

They answer the phone when I call them at 4AM because I think I'm being haunted. They tell me i'm insane because I am but they talk on the phone with me until I can fall back asleep.

brains, lol.

What my brain and memory choose to decides is beyond me. My brain won't remember who I told a story to so I will most likely tell that person the story two more times but my brain will remember a 15 digit alphanumeric password I see like once.
The thing with alphanumeric passwords or alphanumeric anything is don't.

I read this quote the other day that said "when you think of a memory, you aren't remembering that memory - you are thinking of the last time you thought of that memory."

What.

I get it kinda, but what?

A few very boring things that I am excited for!

1. I'm getting my hair done on April 4th at 6:00pm. That means a Friday night spent in a chair in a salon with tinfoil while I can feel my scalp burning - which is sign that you are becoming pretty. Right now my hair is 50/50. 50% dark blonde and 50% light blonde. Maybe I can dye the ends pink so my hair would like a Neapolitan ice cream tub. Jk.

I guess that's all. Do you think it's possible bunnies can get scared of ghosts or by their bunny imaginations? My bunny seemed really scared a few nights ago... he kept thumping which is a bunny's way of saying "OMG WTF" so I went over to comfort him. But in the back of my paranoid and insane brain, I think he saw something that freaked him. In reality, he was probably just grumpy.

a shadow giant!

Etch a postcard: how I dearly wish I was not here.

Just waiting for my real life to begin.

Update: this shadow creature is just me, Kaleena. My friends and I were playing with how silhouettes look on camera.

possible coincidence... but i never really know.

Right now I'm laying on my bed, propped up on my three pillows piled in a corner, my knees up so my laptop is resting between them and my tummy and my cell phone is laying on my chest.

 It's not there for any particular reason.

 I just set it there. 

I think I checked the time or something. 

Now that I painted that image of me for you....

Today was a really great day. Not much more to say about it than just that.
It's really easy for me to have negative thoughts, feel sad, and be really tough on myself. I've been trying really hard lately (a literal every day struggle) to not think this way, be more positive, and give myself a break.

I read somewhere once, that if you smile first thing in the morning, you will have a wonderful day and be happier in general. I thought of that tidbit of absolute bull crap as I was driving to work (kinda late, oops) at about 8:40AM. So, I did this huge, cheesy, sarcastic smile. Almost like I was mocking that theory. It must have worked because I was in a good mood all day, I felt happier, and here I am laying in bed reflecting at how productive today felt. But the brain is a powerful thing.

Here are some sayings and things that have been stuck in my brain lately:

- The end is built into the beginning. (whenever I spell beginning, I want to spell it like "begininningnningnng because that's how it feels when I'm typing it, ugh)

-My mama always said you've got to put that past behind you before you can move on.

-One day you are just going to be a memory to someone, so make it a good one.

a wall of indifference - part I

Some days, everything feels like it's finally falling into place.
I finally have a job where I feel happy with what I'm doing. I enjoy my boss - despite the intimidation.
And importantly, I see it as a place where I can grow.
Not just a paycheck.
Not just staring at the clock diligently counting down until it's 6PM and I'm outta there.
I'm putting a lot of my effort into this job and I'm starting to see the benefits. It's rare, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be proud of myself.

This is utterly unrelated but last Saturday, I heard a crow cawing by the Taco Bell on 400 South. It really stuck with me because I never hear or see crows... especially in the city. But the strange thing is, the next day I saw a fake crow as a lawn/garden ornament thingy and it made me go "hmm"
TLDR; crows

So... back to how things are falling into place...
I've been in a dark, confusing place for so long.
A place where I don't feel like me and I don't know who I am.
A place where I'm afraid I don't remember what I used to be.
A place where I feel like I have been pretending like I'm okay with what has happened.
A place where I'm annoyed that nothing is every really black and white and there isn't anybody to explain the gray areas.

I've been in this place before. I'm not a tourist there... I'm one of the locals. I can tell you all about the place.

My brain thinks of how I got out of this place last time -- The next thing happened. And I let it happen with an open heart. The something that's missing from me getting out of this dark, lonely place is the "next thing" needs to happen. Except if it does, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to accept anything with an open heart. I've built a wall of indifference. I have carefully placed each brick to create my solid and tall wall of indifference so nobody can reach me. Now, the only person struggling with the wall is me.

i'll help you procrastinate.

You can put off grocery shopping another day...

You can put off going to the gym for just one more day...

You can put off folding your laundry for another day...

You can put off helping your kid with the science fair proj... actually no, don't put that off.

In other words, you can put everything on your to-do list off for a good reason!

You are putting all of this off because you are gonna go see, What We Do In The Shadows. 

It's a comedy/horror (mostly just hilarious/awesome/insanely refreshing) movie and you will laugh through and through. 

It is easily put in my top 10 favorite movies.

I had no idea how the movie was gonna end and I really admire that in movie now days.

So go see it. And then tell me so we can talk about the funny parts and laugh.

the joke is we all have the same punchline!

You know the joke of all jokes that basically introduced you to jokes as a kid? 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I found out that the joke "why did the chicken cross the road" is a joke about people who walk into oncoming traffic to kill themselves. They are cowards. 
The person crossing the road is a coward (chicken)
Crossing the road is walking into oncoming cars (suicide)
And the punchline is a metaphor for death (to get to the other side)

So... what I gathered from it is... Did Jim Morrison write "Break On Through (to the Other Side)" as a super spin off of this joke? Haha jk. 

a good friday night.

If it was a perfect Friday night... 

I would have been sitting in Energy Solutions Arena 

watching Bob Seger sing "Night Moves" and "Against the Wind" on stage. 

But that didn't happen. 

It was supposed to. 

But it didn't. 

And I say fooey!

So, instead I was at Oasis with 

Brennin, Spencer, and Josh.

All in which are my friends.

I mostly hung out with Brennin because he was helping with some of my decks. 

I made the kid with red hair sitting at the table with us laugh 

when I made some joke where I called Brennin 

"Adolf Magic"

It's insane how much making a stranger laugh can make me feel. 

I love it.

Still, after all this time when I find myself somewhere like Oasis on a Friday night

I still think of how did i get here and what am i doing? 

i miss my old Friday nights.

Even though it was Friday the 13th and I'm only a little-stitious... I try not to be superstitious because that garbage is for the feeble minded. That being said, I will admit i'm always relieved when
Friday the 13th is over.
Whew.

the beginning. again.

Well... here I am. 

The first post on this new laptop machine. 

I joked that it's basically an expensive Netflix/Reddit machine.

I'm really looking forward to having this so it can enable more active blogging

and my constant need to let out my thoughts and inner energies somewhere.

It will be good for me.

And you, too if you are in to reading about 

someones thoughts, feelings, confusions, wants, etc.

if only i thought of the right words....

Today's title brought to you by....... THE CURE! The song, "Pictures of You" to be exact. It's one of those songs that says "hey, you feel kind of sad now cause this song sounds like all the vivid memories you have, lol."

I have a brief announcement. I am getting my friend's old laptop today -- by old, I mean 2 years old. That means one thing! I will be able to blog more often again! Instead of a pathetic here and there every once in a pathetic while. I'm looking forward to it. Lots to share.

;)

2015 is off to an okay start. Just okay.

Guess what? I'm back in the Avenues!
Just me this time.
It doesn't feel like the same Avenues I once lived in though, but I enjoy it anyway.
It's on L Street.
So now I've been on J Street, R Street and now L Street.
I found a little apartment on the top level of a house and it's all mine.
It doesn't feel like home.
But the older I get, the more I realize the feeling of "home" doesn't really exist anymore.
I do like the place though. My bedroom has a covered balcony!

Here is a picture.... i'm on the top level. For some reason, when I took the picture, it looks like the house is on some solitary hill with nothing around it.

Behold my apartment/house on L Street:

out of stock.

I don't think I was put together correctly.
I've always thought I was broken.
The part I need is out of stock.
There was a recall on me.
System malfunction: error unknown.

song of the week: jim croce - photograph sand memories.

It's fitting for many, many reasons. And I cry every time.


Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these to remember you
Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day, when I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
It's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

some things never change; like
that feeling you get when you
haven't seen someone for sometime
now. that feeling of two people
starting right where they left
off. and then, somethings do
change like two people growing apart
further apart, but also remembering
the little things, the little
similarities that string them
back together, as if nothing ever
happened or as if nothing ever
drifted them apart.

r.m. drake

2015 : the year i will grow up

I've officially named 2015 as the year I will grow up.

I came to this conclusion when I decided I want to face a lot of my fears (because as badass as I think I am, I am pretty afraid of a lot of things) and one of my biggest fears as finally moving on and growing up... Being mature and an adult. Things that have never sounded enjoyable and that I've dodged for a long time.

With that being said, here are all my resolutions. Big and small.

1. Save money.

2. Use more of my nail polishes besides only the black, dark purple, dark maroon and gray. I have about a bajillion nail polish colors in all sorts of shades and colors, I want to use them more. Besides the pinks. Because ew.

3. Take more pictures.

4. Use my cameras more... even if I don't know what I'm doing. Document the learning process.

5. Let people and existing friends come to me instead of doing all the chasing. I spent 2014.. and almost every year for that matter... putting in the one-sided effort with people and friendships. Friendships are something really precious and fragile to me. I am the one always calling to keep in touch. I am always the one trying to make plans. I am always the one cherishing every lasting memory as I see it getting further and further away from me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done. If people and friends want to see me or keep in touch, they can do it and know where to find me. I'm done chasing people.

6. Finally put my past behind me.

7. Try and see how change is a positive thing.

8. Take a cross country road trip with my friends.

9. Do the things that scare me most.

10. Get that Deja Entendu tattoo on my forearm

11. Get some piercings. Possibly a septum piercing.

12. Think positive thoughts.

This is the year I will be a new Kaleena.
This is the year I will grow up.