dear 2012 : BYE.

Today is the last day of 2012. YAY.

Thinking back.. I didn't really like 2012. It had its special moments where I did like it... but it's just not enough to say it was my favorite year. If 2012 was a person, I would most likely be flipping it off right now. Nothing will ever beat 2009 and 2010.

I'm excited for 2013. Mostly because I'm moving to CHICAGO. I've been walking around Chicago (via Google maps of course) and I like it. I hope I can maintain this feeling of eagerness and excitement... otherwise I will be a crying mess come May.

So cheers to a new year that I hopefully won't hate and won't leave me bitter.

and now some quotes just because i love them!

"A true friend stabs you in the front." Oscar Wilde

"So if I have to leave you, I want you to know that in the end, it wasn't because I stopped caring. It was because you stopped being a friend." - I Don't Know but :'(

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou  

chicago.

Did you know?

I'm moving to Chicago in May.

Am I freaking terrified? Yes. (because it's a big change and everyone knows I cannot handle change).

Am I also freaking excited? Oh of course.

I'm moving with my sister Shandey and her family. Her husband, Chris, got a job offer there and I'm going because I don't really have anything tying me down here.

I know I'll be homesick for sure, but I have to get over that and stay.
I want to go because I would regret it more if I stayed here instead of moving there and regretting it.

Who knows, I may end up really loving it there and never come back to Utah.

I'll miss everything and everyone here, but I'm ready for the next thing.
The lifestyle I've been living for the last year has made me insane I think.

When I picture my life in a city I am unfamiliar with and where no one will know me, it gives  me anxiety.
But deep down under all my uncertainty with this huge change and move, I really feel like something great will come out of it. 

Here is home, I guess.

breaking down.

I never thought I would be laying here on my bed
with neon copper penny hair.

But I am.

But that's what happens when you dye your hair dark dark dark red for 1+ year and then listen to someone's advice on using a permanent hair color remover from Walgreens.

I have an appointment with Candace in the morning to take me all the way back to blonde.

...


I felt nothing.
I didn't want to stay up late
and
I didn't want to go to bed.

we learn so little from peace.

 

This is true.

Another reason to love Chuck Palahniuk.

The times when I learn the most about myself and really gain something from an experience is when I'm suffering. 

A happy memory is nothing more than something to think of when you are realizing that nothing lasts forever.

the troubles of cooking.

Will there ever be a day where I won't burn whatever I'm attempting to cook in the kitchen?

Will there ever be a day when I won't have to buy a backup dinner in case the one I'm making doesn't work?

Ugh. I am trying so hard to be better at cooking. I follow the freaking recipe (how hard can it be?) and it never turns out. I can make really good easy dinners but I want to get where I can make a ballin' Sunday dinner that people will be saddened to find out there aren't seconds.

I am this close to giving up. My self esteem (in the kitchen) can't handle it anymore.

Basically my kitchen when I'm done cooking:

music is my boyfriend.

Remember how stupid that one song was where music was everything to her? I always hated that song. But it somehow ended up as the title of this post.

I need to be honest. Because I am professional at portraying myself one way when I’m really suffering.
I’m not happy with myself. I don’t mean unhappy with my hair, clothes, personality, skills, etc. I know I have a lot of things to be happy with like my health, job, family, home, etc. But at the end of the day, I’m not proud or content with where I’m at at this point in my life. I am 23 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything major besides graduating high school. I haven’t taken any big risks or chances. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla, standard life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any crazy stories or nights under my belt, or that I’ve never done anything wild… but part of me is happy with my decisions. I’m still so young that it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” or if I even want to get married (some days I dream of it, some days I swear I will never be somebody’s anything). But what makes me worry is I don’t think I’m ever going to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m afraid I’m never going to be really great at something that will allow me to accomplish anything great or huge. I want to create oppourtunities and live a life that would get a “based on a true story” movie made after it.

If the world was “Arrested Development” my life would be Ann. Ann-Hog. Egg.

Once apon a time when I was 18 and single, I was really happy with what I had going for me. I was discovering the “real world” after high-school. The life that was outside of Taylorsville High School and my friend’s basement. I had a full-time job (1pm-9pm), making new friends, staying up/out late, planning all the tattoos I would get, reading new genres of books, questioning things more, starting to rely on me to support myself instead of my parents. I really grew up and I was happy because I was doing things I had never done before and I was learning about what I enjoyed. It’s amazing how much you don’t know about yourself when you do the same routine every day.

Some people have a plan of what they want to acheive or have by blank age. I want to have a very loose plan that will still give me structure but will allow me to be spontaneous. I don’t care if I end up married with kids or single and owning a boutique in the city… all I want is to live a life that I am proud of at the end of the day and that makes me happy when I’m falling asleep.

here is a picture of my bunny eating a rose.

I read that bunnies love to eat roses.

So I bought Lou a single yellow rose at Smiths.

He didn't appear to love it, but he did eat it.

I never thought I would be buying an animal a rose.

but then again...

I never thought I would find myself laying next to a bunny cage making songs up about him to the tune of "the Brady Bunch"

 

 



signs you are an adult... but not all the way.

1. When you find a quarter or a bunch of quarters, the first thought is, "YAY! LAUNDRY MONEY!"

2. When you see a kid skateboarding without a helmet, you think, "oh that looks dangerous, he should be wearing a helmet."

3. When you don't sort through candy to get all of your favorite colors. I used to hate the orange and yellow Starbursts... now I just eat them because I like them. WHAT.

But then...

1. When I go to the store, I will still find Capri Suns and Gushers in my cart and not one bit of fruit or veggies.

2. I notice that I have been pulling ugly faces in the bathroom mirror twenty minutes after I'm done putting on my makeup...

3. When I still will go out of  my way to watch the Simpsons instead of the local news. (but I have all the major news sources on my phone so I still know what is going on around me).

lover.

Yesterday was Jim Morrison's birthday. I really think I get more excited for his birthday than  my own for some reason. If only he was still alive... I would know what it would be like for someone to have a restraining order on me. Ha. I LOVE JIM MORRISON and I would write letters to tell him how good his living room furniture looks from his front lawn.

I mean look at that face...

That hair!

And listen to this voice/music....

Hello, I love you.

my phone camera pretty much sucks.

I love how each sunrise and sunset all are brand new. How there is never a sunrise or sunset that looks the same. When I first walked out of our building this morning, I saw a bright pink light through the door window and I thought, oh boy this is gonna be a good one. And it was! So many pretty colors! Pinks, oranges, purples, blues, I even think I saw a teal in there. JK. I wish.

Obviously, my first reaction is to take a picture. 

(there are 1800 pictures on my phone and I think 900 are of Lou and the other 900 are of sunrises/sunsets) 

But alas, by phone camera sucks and this is what a beautiful morning looks like according to my phone:

My phone did an expert job at making the sunrise look like crap and took away most of the colors and vividness.

december!

It's here!

My favorite month out of the whole entire freaking year!

Not just because of Christmas, but that does have a huge part.

Anyway, this weekend was so fun but I have like two pictures for proof. WTF.

Friday:
Steve and I went over to his friend Dennis' house and hung out and played Mario Kart. He lives near Westminster and he has THEE cutest doggy named Daisy. She is 50% Pit Bill, 50% Lab and 100% adorable. Trust me. She has better manners than most humans I know, too. Ha. She liked to cuddle me too so it was a win all around. I want that dog.

Saturday:
A lot of nothing happened this day, but it was needed. Steve and I woke up, lounged around, the bunny played around on my lap and we watched Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman (have you watched this? SO intriguing) and then we decided we cannot watch food shows when we have nothing to eat. So we went down to Mokis and get take out. It hit all the right spots a hungry stomach could ask for. Then we got tired from all the nothing doing and eating so we napped (haha) then woke up and went and saw Skyfall. OMG. It doesn't matter what kind of movies you like you NEED to go see this. I'm being 100% serious when I say that I did the "raise the roof" motion in the theater when the credits started. It was amazing.

Sunday:
My newest niece Molly got blessed so I went to church to witness it and then went and ate lunch at my sister's house. Then I got in some serious bunny play time which we both loved and then we went down to eat dinner at Steve's parent's house.

breakfast pep talks.

Reader, in case you were wondering...

Oatmeal now gives pep talks.

Not only is it high in fiber, but it will also make you feel better about your day and life. Which is really what people should expect from their breakfast that comes in a package that only takes hot water to prepare.

Here is a pitch I am doing for an informercial to advertise this pep talk Oatmeal thingy.

Did you wake up feeling down in the dumpies? Can you just not get pumped up for the day? Do you have low expectations for your day? There has to be a better way to feel motivated and eat breakfast... AND NOW THERE IS!

Introducing, the breakfast wrappers that make you feel better about your day.



 

favorite thing.

I love when all the trees outside have lights on them.

Favorite thing.

I took this last night when I was walking to my car.

And so what if I blocked the path of a group of grumpy old people who all glared at me in unison with a look of "kids these days"?

I HAD to get this picture and it only took me like 4 seconds.

If I wasn't in such a good mood, I would've thrown some sass back.

But it's the holidays and I'm not that mean to old people.

 

And look at those street lights adding in their own little "twinkle" effects.
It really makes this low quality cell phone picture shine, doesn't it?

silly things.

Today my brakes went out. Ha. And yes, It was just as frightening as it sounds! It gave me flashbacks to one day when I was sledding down a big snowy hill with my two friends and a little girl ran in our path but we were completely helpless to stop the sled and we crashed into her and knocked her beanie hat off. But all is well. My very nice uncle helped me out and my brakes are brand new! I feel like I'm driving a brand new car. It's delicious.

I just got done switching to a new/old purse. Reusing an old purse is like going through a time capsule. I find so many old treasures in there, especially because I keep a ton of stuff in my purses. Old movie tickets, old favorite lip glosses, old "lost" jewelery, old shoes (ha, jk) etc.

Are you in the mood for a good ol LOL? Did you come here hoping to giggle at least once? No? Well, in case all that talk about LOLoing and giggling got you in the mood to LOL and giggle, look at this:

tomorrow never knows.

Ugh.

Feeling just a little freaking stressed. My brakes in my car are starting to act up. YAY. My dumb brakes were probably sensing that I was especially broke these days and thought, "omg, do you know what would be SO funny to do to Kaleena?"

Well brakes, that's not funny and I hate you. But thanks for making me not crash and stopping my car when I need it.

It's Christmas tree season!!

Do you know what my favorite thing is? When people have their Christmas trees up and on so when you are driving through the neighborhood you can see all the different trees in the living rooms.

Mmm.

Here is ours:

It took me almost two hours to put up the fake tree that only requires you to match the stickers on the branches to the appropriate areas on the tree "trunk"

But do you know how hard it is to stay focused when you have a sweet bunny boy dancing/hopping/scooting around your ankles and doing cute antics around the house?  Well it is tough. If he wasn't here, it would've taken me thirty minutes.

Taking a picture in an ornament reflection can give you a derp face. See?

Well, now I am off to the store even though I don't want to because Smiths at this hour is a madhouse but we are having lasagna for dinner and yeah. Bye.

i eat pickles like everyday is national pickle day.

Me: Wheat, ham & turkey, provolone, and extra pickles.

Subway lady: Are you pregnant?

Me: Um...?

Subway lady: You got extra pickles.

Me: Pickles are my favorite.

Subway lady: Oh, pregnant ladies love pickles.



EDIT: She did make clear when I was paying that I didn't look pregnant, she thought it was the pickles. Either way, being a girl and knowing I don't have anything to make me look pregnant, I was a teeny bit offended.

what i'm thankful for: 2012.

Just so you know I am 100% thankful for these things, even though some of them are cheesy and obvious.

Here we go.

Oh and these aren't in order.

1. that I'm still alive
2. my health, my car, my job
3. technology, books, food, music
4. my family, sisters, nephews and nieces, friends, Steve
5. my happy and healthy bunny
6. my bed, a warm house, the internet
7. things that are funny
8. slipper socks
9. cheese fries, buffalo wings, crab, cereal, burgers, breakfast
10. Excederin Migraine (#1 might not have happened if it weren't for this)
11. football, individuality, people watching
12. hugs
13. toilet paper, tooth brushes, showers
14. clean, running water
15. my legs, vision, and hearing
16. my emotions
17. my ability to see the good in people despite of what I know of them (this sucks sometimes)
 

thankful.

As much as I love the holidays and everything that comes with them,

(decorations, music, food, traditions)

part of me really doesn't like the holidays at all.

They kind of depress me. They always make me feel a little lonely.

 

I remember when I was about... 6 or 7(?)

It was around Christmas time and I just got done helping my mom stuff envelopes with Chirstmas cards. I went over to the window after to see the snow fall and I remember feeling really, really sad to the point where I almost cried.

I felt this way because as I watched the snow fall, I remember thinking and worrying about all the families who didn't have shelter or all the people who didn't have a family... basically everyone who wasn't fortunate enough to have a loving family and a warm place to live and sleep.

 

I have no idea why this was such a worry of mine when I was 6/7 aroud Christmas time haha I guess I've alway been a worrier.

 

To this day, those same thoughts I had that night still come up every holiday and make me sad. We donated some stuff to the Road Home last Christmas and was great to help all the homeless people in need. So this year I'm planning on doing a "Sub for Santa" and as much help I can so I can at least enjoy the holiday season without feeling sad for the less fortunate.

 

So even though the holidays can be stressful and busy... I am thankful for them because it reminds me to really put my own life, wants/needs, problems, etc into perspective and that it's not always about what you DON'T have, it's you need to be thankful for what you DO have.

forever lonely.

joy.

I get paid on the 5th and 20th of every month.

Today is the 19th.

And for some reason... I got paid today.

JOY.

And the good news doesn't stop there.

Remember when I went to the ER last February? Well I have had a million bills since. Not a million, but it seems that way because bills suck and I hate spending money on things like that. I called the number to make a payment and after the friendly southern lady cracked a few jokes and called me shoog, she delivered some sweet news that my balance was a lot lower and I got it ALL paid off today.

three words.

And no. It's not I love you.

Steve just described me in three words.

He chose...

1. Caring.

2. Funny.

3. MANIC.

In case you don't know, the definition for manic is:

Showing wild and apparently deranged excitement and energy.

Umm.. Basically I think that was his nice way of saying he thinks I'm insane. He later changed it to nostalgic. Because Reader, I am very VERY nostalgic. 

Okay. Goodnight. Look at this picture and then get off here and get back to bed.  Don't give me that look.

This needs to be in its own photo album titled, Animals Being Awesome and More Adventurous Than Kaleena.

burrRRrr.

Right now, our apartment is freezing. I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating.

When I say freezing, I mean you can see your breath (INSIDE) in the morning.
When I say freezing, I mean the pipes are frozen when you turn the water on and you have to wait for the hot water to unfreeze them so water can come out in full force, not just a trickle.
When I say freezing, I mean my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are all frozen in the bottles.

Very thankful for space heaters, slipper socks, and layers on layers on layers. Mr. Landlord better fix this or I'll scream. But no scream will come out, I will just let my teeth chatter I'll just look like I'm on vibrate mode.



ANNOUNCMENT:
Thankfully my sister called me in time last night to let me a new season of Teen Mom 2 premiered last night. My biggest guilty pleasure of all time. She told me on the phone when I was driving home from the store and let's just say that was the fastest drive home. I didn't want to miss Jenelle screaming at something/anything/everything.

 

seattle was a blast.

Well, I am back from Seattle. And Reader, as you probably guessed, I now love Seattle and want to live there. Will I ever go to a city that I won't want to move to? While San Francisco is my #1 all time favorite city and always will be, I can picture myself living in Seattle more than San Fran.

Our hotel was right next to the Space Needle! Seeing a landmark like that is always exciting... but I was even more excited because Invisible Monsters is one of my favorite books and they go there in that book. So while I was at the Space Needle I kept picturing that part in the book. Exciting stuff.

We did the normal touristy stuff. And I especially loved how everything was walking distance. We didn't need a cab once. It was pretty chilly, but I didn't care.

We:
-Saw the Space Needle.
-Went to the top of the Space Needle. Whooooa talk about butterflies.
-Went to the EMP Museum. But I can't remember what EPA stands for... ( a cool music museum )
-Walked around the city.
-Walked through Pikes Market.
-Rode the Monorail.
-Ate the best grilled cheese sandwich of my life. The bread was French toast. OH YUM.
-Saw Utah football lose to Washington :(
-Saw the gum wall. Which is equally exciting as it is disgusting.
-Put some gum on the wall.

Here are (just a few because I'm stupid and left my real camera at home. duh) pictures of the trip.

Space Needle

 Me with a kind of mustache

 Gum wall. Ew. But awesome.

 Me putting gum on the Gum Wall

And YES. That is the guitar the JIMI FREAKING HENDRIX played at WOODSTOCK. I can't believe I was that close to it. It was insane. But really cool. 

2nd time voter.

WHOA.

Was it really four years ago that I voted for the first time?

In 2008, I voted at my elementary school. I felt like freaking Hagrid walking around in there.

The school seemed giant when I was a student, but when I was voting I felt like Hagrid.

Minus the beard.

 

This year, I had to vote at the Avenues Assisted Living Center.

Which is four minutes away from the apartment.

Yay!

It was a little stressful because the old people living there were just roaming around.

One guy in a wheelchair thought he was in line to vote but the lady said he couldn't vote,

so he started yelling.

By the time I left he was in the corner facing the wall.

:(

 

Voting is fun and I'm glad I get to do it.

I'm nervous/excited to see the result!

 

 

 

Having a vending machine for a lunchtime menu is just terrible. I can't keep eating Cool Ranch Doritos and Dr. Pepper.

 

Help me. This is madness.

have a flat? i can fix that.

Last week, I straight up had bad luck when it came to... everything.

But the worst luck of all was with my tires.

My front tires were already balding so I decided to be responsible and go get them replaced.

Why are tires so expensive? ugh.

The NEXT day, I go out to my car to go to work and my back tire is just flat.

FLAT.

And I was like, "did some hooligan come slash this??"

(because in the Avenues, tires are slashed all day and night)

I had to get the car back to the tire place so they could fix it.

In order to do that, I had to put the spare on.

 

Did I need to call for help?

UM, NO.

Did I need a guide or a Youtbe how-to?

SURE DIDN'T.

I changed the flat to the spare tire on my own.

In thirty mintues.

No. Big. Deal.

 

I think changing tires are fun, so if you ever need help or someone to do it for free, PLEASE call me.

I'm being serious.

 

Proof:

 

 



today, november 5th. - happy back to the future day.

November 5th.

So while all your friends on Facebook are putting, "Remember, remember, the 5th of November..." You can be all like, "Actually today is the day Doc invented the Flux Capacitor, so BOOM!" And they will be like, "Oooh snap!"

Reader, Happy Back to the Future Day.

Update: This weekend, I will be riding a bus up to Seattle. I think the ride is supposed to be like 14 hours. But I don't care. I love long drives/rides. So I will be pretty happy! Until the time comes when I've run out of comfy ways to sit in a bus chair. Oh well. I've never been to Seattle so I'm excited to what it's all about up there. But the only thing is, I will probably love it and want to move there. This happens every time I go to a new city.

Bunny is doing great. Last night I was bored so I started to sprinkle some of this water on him (just to see his reaction) and will you please guess what he did? He stood up on his hind legs, held out his front paws to catch the water and then started rubbing/washing his face. Yes, I was pretty much freaking out from the adorable-ness. That's not a word but I'm using it anyway. Actually I just Googled it and it is a word.

BYE!
 

"What is for ye
will not pass
ye by."

some of my favorite things that will always be my favorite things.

1. When people don't spoil a book (or series) when they know I'm about to read it.

2. Stuffed crust pizza.

3. Pickles.

4. My bunny.

 

5. Dying my hair. Makes me feel new and stuff.

6. The movie, Hocus Pocus. 

7. When animals stand on other animals.

8. Showers.

9. Sleeping.

10. Movie previews. Sometimes I enjoy the previews more than the movie.

baking is fun when you don't suck at it.

My sister has an easy recipe for those pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. It only has three ingredients which is just wonderful news for people like me who struggle and have zero skills in the kitchen.

[The three ingredients are a box of spice cake mix, medium can of pumpkin, and chocolate chips. Pour in bowl. Mix. Cook for 12-14 minutes. Boom. You got some cookies.]

My sister said I had to get the medium can of pumpkin. When I got to the store I could only find a small-ish looking one and a huge one. She didn't answer when I called to get to the bottom of the confusion so I asked the nice old lady who was also shopping in the baking aisle. She was so nice and sweet and helpful. She gave me some baking tips (that I already forgot haha) but anyway, I like when people are that nice and helpful to strangers.

And then I came home, make the cookie dough, ate half of it, and baked the rest.

Just now, I stretched my hands out and looked at them while I thought of what else I was gonna say on here and my pinky on my right hand is shaking and quivering at a rate where I should probably be concerned. To WebMD I go....

my bunny.

My bunny is a silly bunny indeed.

He likes to supervise everything in the apartment. 

He can be a pain and a lot to handle,

but I am still so happy to have him as my own.

Right now,

his favorite snack is dill.

His favorite vegetables are celery and spinach.

And he gets really hyper after he has a little bit of pellets. 

Yesterday, I let him out to have his daily hop around and after two hours, he would NOT get back in his cage. So I finally surrendered and laid on my belly and let him do his thing til he decided to back in. 

[because you can't make bunnies do anything they don't want to do]

All of a sudden, I felt him hop on my back and he sat there for a while.

Then he hopped down, got right in my face, booped my forehead twice (as if to say thank you and i love you) and then hopped into his cage.

Bunnies rule.

remember to always be yourself. unless you suck.

I really like individuality.
I like to see how different people choose to express themselves.
This is why I love to people watch.
You get to see so many people who are so alike as humans but who are all different as individuals.


I've always said that I don't want to marry my "soul mate"
Because I don't want to spend my life with someone who is exactly like me.
That would boring as fuh.
I want someone who is like me enough to where we get along but different so it's still always interesting and exciting.

With the Presidential debates and voting going on, it can be frustrating and ANNOYING to see all the different opinions being spit around.  Especially when some come off as ignorant and offensive. As frustrating as it is, I really enjoy it. I love to see the way people care about these issues, even though they are different than my own.

I am a Moderate... but I do find myself agreeing more with the Democrats. That doesn't mean I don't find some of the Conservative points appealing. I keep an open mind to everything. So that's why I love having friends who don't agree with everything I like or enjoy, it keeps things fun.

So I love all my friends who are democrat, republican, sport fans, not sport fans, boys, girls, hipsters, idiots, religious, not religious. You get the picture. Having such a variety of opinions in your life can also introduce you to ideas and thoughts you never would have if you were only surrounded my people who were just like you.

And that's why I like to always express myself in my own way. I need to be my own individual to keep things interesting for everyone else around me.

 

always have luck when luck isn't that needed.

Last night I dyed Shandey's hair. And I really wish dying my own hair was as easy as dying someone elses hair. When I was little, I always wished I could take my head, do my own hair, and then put it back on. I still wish this.  It's so much easier when you have access to all sides of your head and not having to look in the mirror.

Anyway.

After I was done doing her hair, my niece rode with me to the gas station to get some gas. While it was filling up, I was giving her a once in a lifetime game of peek-a-boo. Lots of jumping and crawling around the car just to suprise her with the peek-a-boo. She loved it. As we were driving home, I couldn't find my phone.

Oh well... I always lose my phone...

OH NO! I left it on the roof  of the car last!!

When we finally stop at Shandey's, I get out to see my phone is just safely sitting on top of my car.

How lucky is that?

this is confusing and also a bit of a confession.

So I guess my new idol is Kat Von D.

Haha WTF?

I dunno.

I think it's because I have always wanted to be able to pull off a sleeve tattoo or just all over tattoos in general. And I always kind of liked makeup like that... but again, I could never pull that off. I think it's because I've always wanted to have a hardcore/edgy persona. Is this just a weird phase I'm going through or do I really want to be this kind of girl now? Hmm.. I guess we'll see how I look in like a month. Spoiler alert: It will probably be the same as I am right now.

Anyway, look how pretty she is.

this will be long and honest. probably.

I feel like I need to be more honest and clear on here. I haven't in a long time... and I think it's because I've been running away from some things and some feelings. I eventually will have to stop running, and when I do, they will be there.

Some days, I am not okay. Most days I am. But some days I'm really not.

I have a tendancy to overthink everything that happens to me and everything that is going on. And I don't know when it got this out of control. I overthink things that haven't even happened to me, like the things I worry about or what I am scared of happening. I can't make it stop. My brain is never quiet and I need it to be quiet sometimes.

So here is what is going on.

Steve and I broke up back in June 2011. Since then, we have maintained a very close, functioning friendship/relationship. It was not easy at first and when I look back now I really am disappointed in the way I dealt with heartbreak and how weak I came off as. Even though Steve and I are still close and important in each other's lives, I regret not moving out on the worst day. Why didn't I? I can't remember why I didn't. Everyone was telling me to and I didn't. But he was my home and I wasn't ready to leave my home. I wasn't ready. He was such a happy part of my life and if I left, all the happy would be gone. This feeling of regret sucks. Since Steve and I still got along really well I was convinced and determined to make things work. It was exhausting. It was all I could think about. I couldn't eat, sleep, or do anything that wouldn't remind me of how hurt I was and how I wanted things back to the way they were. We would talk about everything and it would always end unresolved. Now, I have accepted that whatever happens will happen and we don't know the future so we just need to step back and live. I will always love Steve and I know he will always love me. We have come a long way and I feel grateful that we can still be the way we are. I knew life without Steve and with Steve, and I know the life I lived with Steve was much better and that's what I still struggle with. What if I never find that again? What if it's never as good? What if I'm always feeling a pull to somewhere that I don't even know?

That brings me to my next thought.

Some days, I don't know if it's having Steve as my boyfriend I miss or just having that type of relationship that I miss. Deep down I know which one it is. I've gotten to the point where I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I'm constantly looking for it. I feel a deep restlessness to find it but I have no idea what it is.

I never have a feeling of "this is where I'm supposed to be". Even when I was younger, I would have fun with my friends and could have fun with a group, but I never felt like it was where I belonged. This is kind of harder to explain, because I love my friends and enjoy(ed) being with them, but I never felt settled.

I'm just slow with everthing I do. I'm a slow mover. Before I do anything, it's a slow process. I've moved on but very slowly. It took forever before I could date and when I went on the first date, I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. It was a whole new universe and nothing felt right. But when I got home, I was proud that I went when I really wanted to stay home.

I'm really afraid of the unknown and I'm even more afraid that someday I might have to live with that the best of my life has already happened. Until then, I guess I can just take it one day at a time, don't worry about things I can't control, and stay positive.

So anyway, there's that.

DISORDER.

Well, I have it.

I knew it.

surprise, surprise.

Well I am certainly NOT surprised right now.

Lately, especially at work, I cannot... CANNOT focus or stay concentrated.

I sit down and I have to stand back up. I walk to the break room and walk back to my desk. I sit down and I look for something to do. Hop onto the internet. Get bored. Start looking for something to pick at. Pick my split ends. Get bored. Get up to walk again.

I have to constantly be moving or I feel a deep restlessness.

Does this sound exhausting? It's awful. It's exhausting.

I thought it was because I was bored at work. But these last few months, I've been noticing I'm like this at home. I can't sit still and I can't ever finish a thought, daydream, etc. When I actually thought about it, I concluded that no matter what I'm doing or thinking about, I get bored easy, can't focus, and feel restless.

In conclusion, I am going to the doctors to get tested for ADHD.

the boy who blocked his own shot.

I really love Brand New.

Especially this song.

Ugh.

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand

Hope you find out what you are; already know what I am

And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again

You can tell me how vile I already know that I am

I'll grow old, start acting my age

It'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate

A crown of gold, a heart that's harder than stone

And it hurts to hold on, but it's missed when it's gone

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not

I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget

If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of this state

You can keep to yourself, I'll keep out of your way

And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down

Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out

It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room

When I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds

So call it quits, or get a grip

You say you wanted a solution; you just wanted to be missed

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not

I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget

So you can forget, you can forget

You are calm and reposed

Let your beauty unfold

Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones

Spring keeps you ever close

You are second-hand smoke

You are so fragile and thin, standing trial for your sins

Holding on to yourself the best you can
You are the smell before rain
You are the blood in my veins

Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not

I'm glad that you can forgive, only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

 

 

I mean, I love Brand New for obvious reasons. I like my music to have depth and meaning. Jesse Lacey is very great at both. He is a lyrical genius and most of his songs have deeper meaning than what the lyrics say. I LOVE YOU.

this week.....

This week..... I will work my bum off at work.

This week..... I will go back to the gym. I think my two month break needs to end.

This week..... I will wake up at 7AM.

This week..... I will be positive.

This week..... I will remember not to worry about things I can't control.

This week..... I will start to put my Halloween costume together.

This week...... I will continue to love my lil lover bum bunny.

typing is my favorite way to let my nails dry.

I don't know why but I always blog after I paint my nails. Probably because typing helps them dry and if I try doing anything else (VERY CAREFULLY) I will always smudge my newly painted nails. I suck.

SO GUESS WHAT!

Let it be known......

That this weekend........

I learned how to drive a stick shift! Yup. I can now officially drive a stick shift. I kind of knew how before, but now I have it down and am pro. Steve taught me and was a swell teacher. But if you ask him about the experience, he will tell you that I killed the engine four times in a row in the MIDDLE of an intersection. I almost went in panic mode, but he told me to stay calm.

Lou and I are starting to be buds. When I let him out for his daily play hour(s), he is starting to follow me around and boop me. Getting booped by a bunny is just an experience you can't beat. If only I was lucky enough to have caught it on camera. Here are some of my favorite internet boops:

 

worrying will never change the outcome.

I need to remember this:

 

 

 

IN OTHER NEWS: When I Googled "worrying won't change the outcome" this is one of the first images that came up haha

 

 

Sure, why not? I guess polar bears that are stuck on snowballs (or is that an iceberg?) worry too.



some thoughts on some movies.

Forrest Gump: This is on my top 3 favorite movies, so I have little to complain about. The one and only thing I have to complain about this movie is Jenny. Each time I watch this movie, I hate Jenny just a little bit more. She doesn't deserve Forrest Gump and I really hate how she just comes in and out of his life as she pleases. I don't care that she wrote him a lot of letters that got delievered to him all at once when he was in the hospital trying to give Lt. Dan ice cream. She turns down his sweet proposal, sneaks into his room at night, bounces before he wakes up and leaves him all alone. Then she has a child, apparently has AIDS (even though it doesn't say it in the movie, it hints at it) and then proposes to sweet Forrest after she finds out she is sick with a virus the doctors don't know. I connected the dots the other day and realized that if she has AIDS, she gave it to Forrest. Ugh. I hate her. Don't even get me started when she is dying in bed and asks Forrest if he was scared in 'Nam and he goes through all the beautiful things of his life and she says, "I wish I could have been there with you." and sweet, loving Forrest says, "You were." MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME. Then that is followed by the saddest scene in any movie. When he is talking to her grave. I have to stop talking before I cry.

(500) Days of Summer: Summer is another character I hate. I have a lot of feelings on her and the movie... but I will just end it with I hate Summer and she is a tease. I mean, yeah, she did make her intentions clear she wanted "casual" but at the same time she led him on and she knew it cause she is a mean girl. But I'm probably just feeling this way because I am totally a Tom while some people who are Summer agree with Summer. I love debating this movie, so please comment if you agree/disagree.

The Little Mermaid: My youth was heavily influenced by this movie. I stole a fork from the silverware drawer and made it my own dinglehopper. I pretended I was Ariel every time I took a bath. And yes, Prince Eric was my first on-screen crush and every time I watch Little Mermaid to this day I totally see why. Yes, please.

Shaun of the Dead: Obviously on my top three. Another one with no complaints. But I do think Shaun can do better than Liz and it was a blessing that she broke up with him. She seemed whiney and like a complainer who was hard to please. He could find someone cooler who would actually enjoy spending all their time together at the Winchester. Like me! Very disappointed they got back together.

This is part I. Part II coming... someday.

it hurts to hold on but you miss it when its gone.

“If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.” 

Jean-Paul Sartre

“Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right."

Charles Bukowski

I really enjoy spending time alone (but not too much because I go crazy when I don't have anyone to laugh with or tell something to). 

i'm just gonna have to accept it.

Here are some things I am just going to have to accept never happening.

1. Giving up soda FOR GOOD. I just can't. I'm weak.
2. Getting to work on time. I will always be five minutes late. Even when I wake up thirty minutes early. ???
3. Being in bed before midnight. Ha.
4. Remembering what I was going to say the first time I try and say it.

oh and please look at the fortunes me and steve got last night....

We were both craving chinese food.

After we were done eating we opened up our fortunes...

Steve read his first and I thought it was special and tender.

Then, I opened mine to discover it was the EXACT SAME as his.

HMMM...

Silly Universe.

 

my life is a little bit ruined.

The weekend was great and now it is over! Just wanted to get that obvious statement out of the way.

So... why my life is a tiny bit ruined. My friend e-mailed me at work today and asked if I knew what a skinwalker was. Bless. What a frightening thing it is. Like, TERRIFYING. I'm no expert on the skinwalkers, but from what I read on the internet it is really disturbing and scary and I hope I continue to live my life without encountering a skinwalker. I'm not going to go into the details here... mostly because I get scared easy and I don't want to scare myself by writing about it, so If you want to know more, please just Google 'skinwalkers in Utah'. Apparently they are huge on a few ranches in Utah.

I'm really happy these days and it's all because of little bunny Lou. Whoever said money doesn't buy happiness obviously has never used money to buy a bunny.

We watched the movie Taken last night. Made me super excited for the sequel. If you didn't know there was going to be a sequel, well now you know.

I made the decision to go from medium auburn hair to intense auburn hair. Here it is:

 

i used to sleep without a single stir.

We went to the Brand New concert on Friday.
As expected, we surely were not disappointed.

They played every song I was hoping they would.
They opened with Millstone, one of my favesies.

Right before Brand New took the stage Telepreformance came on the stage with arm fulls of t-shirts and said, "who wants a brand new t-shirt??" and I didn't know if they meant brand new as in brand new or brand new as in Brand New the band. What a conundrum!

I'm always amused at all the variety of people a concert/band attracts.
I saw hipsters, goths, people in sweats, preps, sluts, old people, couples who embrace each other the whole time, etc.

The hippies were right. Music really does bring everyone together.

I sadly don't have a decent picture of Brand New on stage since we weren't that close to the stage.
Because the only worse than not having a picture of the band is having a really low quality picture of the band where it can easily be mistaken for Christmas tree (or something twinkley) from far away.

lou.

photo by me:

taken this morning

right before I fed him breakfast

Reader,

There aren't enough words to explain how much I love Lou.

I love how cute he looks when he eats.

I love how cute he looks when he licks his paws and then rubs his cheeks.

I love how cute it sounds when I hear his teeth clinking on his water bottle thingy when he drinks.

I love how he eats Cheerios out of my hand.

I love his feet, tail and ears.

I really just love him.

He is starting to warm up to me. I have been letting him out of his cage and laying on the floor a few times throughout the day and he is starting to lay on my belly and let me pet him more.

WAHOO!

We are making some progress.

Before we know it, I will be the crazy bunny lady who is signing Lou up for bunny ballroom dances. 

I hope that's a thing.

little bunny lou lou.

Here he is.

Lewis.

Oh yeah, we ended up naming him Lewis.

Lou for short.

 

 

 

He was really sweet when we first picked him up.

He let me cuddle him and hold him and pet him.

 

He was a good little bunny the whole drive home.

Then when we got home, he got sassy.

He did a lot of this:

 

 

But I still love him.

It took him a while to get comfortable and eat and drink.

He hid behind the toilet for almost an hour.

We got his cage set up and now he looks like he feels at home.

His favorite snack so far is muli-grain Cheerios.

 

And there is no sweeter sound (or sight) than him trying to run on hardwood floors.

I love him so much I'm afraid I might go Lenny on him.

You won't get that joke unless you have read Of Mice and Men.

 

We have a lot of training to do and I'm excited to do it.

I just really really really love him.

 

Here he is refusing to eat a carrot while looking adorable:

 

 

He also likes when I sing "Little Bunny Foo Foo" but change it to "Little Bunny Lou Lou"

 

 

 

We read online that in order to get your pet bunny to trust you, you have to lay on your belly on the floor and let it explore the room. Eventually, the bunny will come to you and get familiar with your smell and see you are not a threat. I was doing this last night (and felt like an idiot cause I looked like I was planking in my living room) and it totally worked. Lou came hopping over and started hopping on my head and back. I was in heaven. Then he started sniffing my head and then I felt a BITE. My instinct reaction was to freak out but I didn't want to scare him. So there I laid in the living room, silently screaming because a bunny just bit my head. I let him roam around and get familiar with the place for about an hour and then he hopped back into to Bunnytown (his cage) and he went to bed. So if i keept doing this, I think he will be just fine.