always looking up.

I love the sky.

I feel like 95% of my day is looking up at the sky... either at the moon, the sun, the sunset or sunrise, the stars, the clouds, the birds, airplanes, and some days even RAINBOWS. Or if you are that really sensitive guy from Youtube DOUBLE/TRIPLE rainbows. I wonder if he ever found out what it means. The other 5% of my day is either filled with me being excited with what I saw or sad for what I didn't see in the sky.

I love it because you never see the same sunset or sunrise twice. And I love looking at the moon and wondering how many other people in the world are looking at it. I never look at the sun for that long or else I see those white spots when I look anywhere else.

Tuesday was a wonderful cloudy and stormy day and after eating fish tacos with Kylee (YUM) I went for a drive and saw this:

I love rainbows.

The mountains are pretty too.

I pulled my car over to take this picture...

And other people were out on the street adoring the rainbow.

I feel tickled when I see others enjoying the little things.

three in one.

You know my head is especially noisy today when I post THREE times on here. My head feels like a TV today... it feels like there are many channels playing at once up there. Some are more clearer and louder than others and some are still fuzzy and I'm trying to see what's beyond the fuzz. My head is flipping through the channels and I'm just trying to see what it all means or is trying to say.

Utah.

I really love Utah. It's such a pretty place with so much variety. We have the (tiny) city, the mountains, the lakes, the desert, the suburban areas, the rural areas. I've never hated Utah.. besides the lame rules of everything basically being closed on Sunday or closing early. But lately, I feel like I have outgrown Utah. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Is this just normal for a 24 year old? Or do I really not belong here anymore? I picture myself living somewhere like Seattle or New York. I've always adored San Fransisco but I can't see myself living there. And since right now I eat things like Ramen and Mac & Cheese, living in those cities are both very unrealistic but I feel a pull towards those cities and I want to make it a reality.

I want to live in an apartment where I can walk downstairs, step out and I'll immediately  be apart of the people of the city. Or where I can walk to anywhere I need to be. I don't really have much here in Utah so I won't be leaving anything behind and I would love a fresh start.

So that's my new goal. Work hard and save up to move to either Seattle or New York.

Anywhere but here.

fear.

totes favsies movie quoties.

Here are some of my favorite movie quotes that I think about all the time, mostly when I'm going for a drive or just when I need to remember some perspective.

"Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that. "

-From Little Miss Sunshine


"Adults are, like, this mess of sadness and phobias"

-From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. "

-From Garden State

another friday night and i ain't got nobody...

Just a song title and I changed a word but still. It fits.

I've never liked Fridays. The only thing Fridays have to offer for me is it's a night I can stay up late guilt free and think of all the things I've been wanting to do but never do them... like:

-rearrange my room.
-have an all night partywow movie marathon. literally all night.
-start painting again.
-make friendship bracelets.

But I usually will end up walking around my quiet apartment feeling restless. Sometimes Friday nights are hard for me if I'm alone. I have too much time to think and contemplate. I don't care being alone, most days I prefer the solitude... but I think of how I used to spend my Friday nights and how different my life has changed since then and I just sit and think "how did I get here? Seriously, WTF"

Reality be like...

"LOL Kaleena. I will take away everything you love and make you deal with it while everyone else seems to have their life together and make you wonder what you are doing wrong"

Expectations be like...

"Good things will happen to you and you will know what you want and feel and you will figure things out."

All I know is... I'm going to Smiths after work. Buying a big-ass steak. Seasoning it with lemon pepper, chopped onions, garlic, and pepper. Grilling it to medium-rare and then eating it.

basically, i suck.

WOO! My first post as a 24 year old. YEAAAHH!! WELL ALRIGHT!

Aaaand it feels the exact same as it did when I was 23... and 22... and 21... and OMG, have I had this thing for that long? Well allow me to shout "wowzers bowzers!" at that news because it sure hasn't seemed like that long.

I have some serious regret going on right now that I haven't been writing more on here during these last few months. These have been some crucial months for me where I have grown and learned so much about myself and life. Everything I once thought I knew, isn't. And everything I once felt, can't. And everything I once thought I wanted, won't. Did that make sense?

OH! Two nights ago, my friend Kylee told me I had really good word choice to explain feelings and how things are or feel. And that made me feel great because for some reason that is a huge compliment for me.

Some events of my life these last few months:

-Had a birthday that ended with me turning 24. Wat.
-Met JOHN DENSMORE of the DOORS. I was talking to and  standing by someone Jim Morrison once did and it was amazing. I love the Doors. Best band ever and that's just a fact.
-Bunny was checked into the vet to be hospitalized because he was sick. :( it was some sad and scary times but he recovered and is back to being sassy and cute.
-Became addicted to VINE. I basically open that app and LOL forever. And luckily, my roommate/friend is addicted to it too so when I find a really funny one, I run into her room and show her and LOL together. But It also makes me feel highly uncreative.
-Learning how hard it is to be responsible and making enough money to make ends meet. Sheesh, money is stressful sometimes. Ugh.

I will be here more now to explain more about how I've grown and the lessons I've learned. I need these hard times because without them you can't learn anything or grow. You don't learn anything from happiness and peace. At least I don't anyway.