a rut.

If you couldn't tell by my last two posts, i'm in a rut. This isn't that surprising or unusual. Especially since I suffer from anxiety and depression.  Normally, I can blame it on something or reason with it...

"Maybe it's cause I haven't been sleeping much."

"Maybe it's cause I don't really eat healthy"

"Maybe it's cause I don't take the time to do the things that make me happy"

And honestly, right now, I can't think of a single thing can be causing this and to me, there isn't anything more frightening. Just knowing you are feeling like you are falling apart for no reason so you don't really know where to start. You just feel lost. Alone. Confused. It's not just the anxiety and depression, either. The best way to explain it is when I'm in a rut, it's like magnifying the anxiety and depression. Ugh. I don't know.

the entire world vibrating around me and i couldn't feel a thing.

Feelings are jkashfuhasdpiupf98w84029384~oe;fae

Feelings for me are never easy, as dumb as that sounds.

 I know I feel a lot of them and I know I feel a lot of them at once, 

but I never know what they mean or what I'm supposed to do with them. 

Or why I feel them. But the weird thing is, I can identify what other people are feeling before they can and help them.

 Explain that.

I have this distinct memory that I go back to very often in my brain. The memory happened on June 1st, 2007. It was a Friday and it was the day I graduated high school. After graduation, there is a party at the school called "Senior Breakout." that starts at 10pm. I remember in the downtime after the graduation ceremony and before Senior Breakout, I was laying on the floor in my bedroom at my parent's house while "Float On" by Modest Mouse played on my iPod (pretty sure it was on shuffle). I lay there listening to the song while I heard Shandey (sister) in her old room with her fiance (now husband) talking about their wedding. I remember just laying on my floor, staring at the ceiling, listening to the song and just thinking, "shouldn't this moment be feeling different? this doesn't feel right. This isn't how I thought this would feel" mostly because... I remember not feeling... anything really. I had just accomplished the biggest thing of my life at that point, my sister was engaged, I had my whole grown-up life in front of me, the supposedly most fun party ever waiting for me at 10pm, --- but I lay there feeling nothing. The entire world vibrating around me and I couldn't feel a thing. I did't feel excited, accomplished, anticipation, relief, happiness, determination, etc. It was very silent inside me at that moment.

Maybe it's because I somehow knew my entire world was going to change and not be what I expected at all.

Life is weird and the concept of time is confusing.

The things your mind and memory grab can be confusing but I think it's important. It will all make sense one day. When this memory happened, it seemed so insignificant and every-day feeling, but it marked a turning point in  my life that I didn't know til now.

hi.

The older I get, the more the only thing I am sure of is that nothing ever really makes sense and you kind of just have to take what you can from living and see what it all means to you at the end of the day. I'm an extroverted feeler and introverted thinker so it makes it hard for me to articulate myself. I'll try my best.

The things that I'm meaning that doesn't make sense are things like.... you can't know better until knowing better is too late. What type of cruel irony is that? It's like, great that we at least eventually know better but that's a special kind of bullshit torture since you can't really do anything about it besides kick yourself.

I don't really know where I am going with this... I was just sleeping in my room with all the lights on and a text message woke me up and here I am. It's 1:30AM.

Right now - one of my favorite things to do is go out on my balcony or even crawl up on my roof anytime after 3AM and look at the city. There is a very quiet sounding loud hum. It kind of feels like I'm the only person existing and I get a secret place where only I can exist. I look at the city and as far as the distance shows it's really a sobering feeling. It really does puts everything into perspective. Suddenly the driver who didn't signal that put me in a bad mood doesn't matter and the worry that I might not ever figure out what kind of person I am doesn't seem as daunting. I look out and I see the place that has been my timeline and map of everything I've ever done and experienced -- the big things at least. It's hard to comprehend that I'm looking at the same place and still living under the same sky where I lived with my first love, played night games as a kid with my neighborhood, spent so many nights/hours driving around with my closest friends, spent many other nights driving around alone wondering where I will ever belong, etc. Is this really the same place? It's all a nostalgic grid.

If i'm being honest - being awake at 3AM and looking out a dark city with soft shimering lights of the town and feeling like I'm the only person existing is the most comforting yet alienating feeling.