something one-sided but thought i needed anyway.

The feeling of having a delicate flower without a vase to put it in.

Like pouring a bowl of cereal to find out there isn't any milk for it.

I don't have any directions anymore. Everything has turned into that one street we once walked on together. Or the building you once held my hand in. Or the neighborhood you took me to see. I'm trapped inside a nostalgic grid. And I won't ever find my way out.

merry christmas eve.

Have a Merry Christmas Eve and a Merry Christmas when it's tomorrow.

I plan to stay home tonight and watch Home Alone and Futurama.

Drink some Mountain Dew. Snack on some kettle corn.

Last Saturday, as a giant group, we went to Temple Square to see the Christmas lights.
It was okay.
Then we walked around City Creek to warm up a bit and because what else were we gonna do?

But Christmas lights on a bare tree is one my favorite things and one of the prettiest things to me.

It never gets old.

I wish Christmas lights were on trees all year round.

Alysha on the left and me on the right.
If one good thing came out of 2013, it's that I became really good friends with Alysha. I wish everyone could have a friend like her.

Instagram: kaleena__

2013 can go to HELL.

I got laid off from my job on December 3rd. And it was a bunch of bull shit. I was a slave/work horse there for 5 years and they choose to lay me off around the holidays. I don't really care that I lost my job there. I was very unhappy at that job. But I must say, it was truly the cherry on top of the BY FAR the worst year of my life. I know you are supposed to count the things you are thankful for but I don't care. 2013 sucked and here is why...

-I moved out and away from Steve and literally, my entire life changed. Some for the good, some for the bad. I learned that there is no easy way to move away from the one you love. There will always be a special place in my heart for Steve that no one will ever replace. Looking back on that, I needed that change to happen. I have grown and learned so much from that. It's one of those things that when I look back, I think "how did I manage to survive that?"

-Shandey and my nieces moved away to Chicago. And while I get to Facetime them everyday, it still isn't the same as chasing them and playing with them in real life. But alas, that's why they say distance makes the heart grow fonder.

-Lou my bunny almost died. AKA the worst feeling as a pet owner. One morning he wouldn't eat and wouldn't move and he had a "grandpa bunny" look about him and I started to panic. I called the vet and took him immediately. He had a minor case of GI Stasis but the little bastard recovered just fine and I only spent a night crying while he had to say at the vet over night.

-I got in a car wreck that wasn't my fault.

-I lost my job.

It may not sound like a shitty year to you, but I felt every form of heartache, loss, frustration, disappointment, rejection, and pain this year.

HOWEVER. For ever awful thing that happened, a few good things happened to balance the Universe out.

-I reconnected with old friends and made some new close friends.

-I met JOHN DENSMORE of the Doors. So magical.

-Paid off my car.

-Grown and learned many things about myself and the world.

-Met Josh. Josh is my new boyfriend. I shouldn't say met because we went to highschool together, but we went out on a date when I got home from New York and now he is my boyfriend.

So I guess you really do learn from the bad times. Cheers to 2014 being better.

bits of NYC.

Since it was my first time in New York, I wanted to document and capture everything but at the same time, I didn't want to truly miss the moment I was trying to capture because I was distracted by getting a picture. I took close to 100 pictures, but only chose my favorites and most memorable ones.

Cafe Wha? - It's the place that Jimi Hendrix, Lou Reed/Velvet Underground, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, all played/were first discovered. Alysha and I spent a good chuck of Saturday looking for this place. When we finally turned the corner and saw it right there, I was so happy and overwhelmed. I love thinking that I was standing/walking where all those talented musicians was stood and walked. And that's the closest I will get to meeting any of them.

Brooklyn Bridge

 This is me failing at  blending in with the locals by doing the most tourist-y pose in Times Square. It was amazing.

The paper-cartoon-2D version of me and Alysha!! Alysha on the left and me on the right. Alysha and I are really similar when it comes to sense of humor and personalities except that I am very much right-brained and she more left-brained. So we were pretty excited when we realized I was drawn on the right (for right brained) and her on the left (for left brained).

Central Park. One of my favorite things we did/saw. Even though some parts of it was really stinky. Also, we are pretty sure we witnessed an engagement. 

A few of the locals.

The Flat Iron building. It is one of the prettiest buildings I've seen. 

Me and Alysha at some bar in Manhattan. This was a fun night. BUT. You know how some songs are just too sensitive to even listen to because they are linked to so much bittersweet memories that they mostly just make you sad? Well, this bar successfully played almost every single one of those songs for me. WTF bar in Manhattan.

Strawberry Fields. This is the John Lennon memorial in Central Park. Imagine all the people.... standing around admiring it.

Reader! This is the picture of when I finally found LOVE in New York! It was pretty magical so I sat on it.

Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. So I went in and grabbed me a New York slice. If you aren't laughing then it is probably because you don't watch the Office or appreciate Michael Scott.

Radio City. And everyone in New York drives yellow cars! jk

Just a squirrel in Union Square Park snacking on a cookie and looking cuter than I ever will in my lifetime.

The Statue of Liberty. Seriously, I wasn't expecting to be so life like and walking around and can I just say that it was way more interactive than history books portrayed.

The Subway was also one of my favorite things.

The Met (museum). It was really fascinating. 

Times Square.

back from NYC... for now...

I am back. Have been back since Sunday night. And meh. 

I've never hated Utah, ya know? I've always liked it here. 

It's home. 

But after experiencing New York, even for just four days, that's all I needed to know Utah isn't where I belong. 

New York is obviously one of the most popular and amazing cities in the world, but as soon as I got there, I felt like that's where I belonged. 

It kind of felt like I was arriving back home even though I've never been.

I sat in the middle seat on the flight to New York. Alysha asleep to my left (by the window) and the old man in dad jeans who told me to elbow him if he started snoring, asleep on my right. I was listening to my iPod and I looked over out the window and I started to see countless shimmery lights all aligned in a grid. I will never in my life forget the way I felt when I saw the New York lights/skyline from the plane for the first time. I guess it felt like I felt every good emotion in a burst and my skin was holding them back to where my heart felt very full. 

Just walking down any street in New York, there is a lot to take in. I was constantly looking up and the building or observing the faces on the people I passed or looking for places that Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, and Lou Reed might have once been (kidding, but just little). But I feel like I didn't take it all in as much as I wanted because there was so much going on. I don't have any words to explain how I much I enjoyed New York and I guess that's why I'm a shitty writer. But those short four days in New York changed my life and I will go back. And I will live there.

I miss it. 

I missed New York before I even left.

“Why are old lovers able to become friends? Two reasons. They never truly loved each other, or they love each other still.”

this is winslow.

My roommate has the sweetest and goofiest puppy. He's a Basset Hound named Winslow. He can't hop up on the couch to play with the other dogs, so I act as his doggy elevator and lift him up and down as he requests AKA sitting by my feet and looking up on the couch and hopping but getting knocked down because he is too short. Every once and while he lets out a deep howl while wrestling with the other puppies. Ugh, it's the cutest.

He has super floppy ears and I really wish that one day he will start flapping his ears like wings and start flying around the house.

Wishful thinking.

NYC in three days.

Reader, guess what!

Alysha and I are flying to NYC on Wednesday and coming back on Sunday night. Well... at least planning to come back on Sunday. There is a chance I will end up staying if I love it too much.

I'm really excited. Not just because I'll be walking around NYC and hopefully running into Jesse Lacey (because he lives there), but because I love hanging out in airports (for people watching) and seeing the flight attendants doing their hand motions.

Here is a list of everything I want to see/do:

-Cafe Wha? -the cafe where Bob Dylan, Lou Reed/Velvet Underground, Jimi Hendrix, Bruce Springsteen were all discovered and first played.
-Statue of Liberty
-Empire State Building
-Central Park
-Madison Square Garden
-Tom's Diner -the restaurant from Seinfield
-Ride the Subway
-Go ice skating
-The Met
-Grimaldi's Pizza
-Brooklyn Bridge
-Ride in a taxi
-Hail a taxi

That's all I can think of right now. There will be lots more and I will be documenting every step and taking pictures.

it's a special-unique day...

Do you know what today is? Well, today is......

................

11-12-2013

I love cool number dates like this. So tonight, Alysha and I are going to celebrate at 9:10. Celebrating at 9:10 probably means getting excited when the clock turns 9:10 while our other roommates judge us. But what other way can you celebrate this day?

On Sunday, we played broom ball. Have you ever played? Well stop reading this and go play right now! But if you haven't played, before you leave to play and have the time of your life, let me explain how to play. It's basically hockey except you don't wear skates, you just wear tennis shoes and you play on the ice. It was an intimidating concept because I just pictured myself slipping and flailing on the ice and getting the little rubber ball whacked in my face but it felt like we were playing on cement and I left without getting hit or hurt.

You have to master a technique on how to run fast on the ice. Unfortunately, the technique that worked for me was to waddle somewhat low to the ground. Don't give me that look. It got me around pretty quick.

i moved.

I moved again. From Cottonwood Heights to Downtown Salt Lake City. So this is my 4th place in the last 5 years. And I like it so far! 

My room is a dark, plum purple. Kind of looks like a bruise. I don't usually like the color purple, but I like it in this room. My other roommate has a puppy BASSET HOUND. He is adorable and that dog alone is worth the move.

I get a strange concept of home when I move.  All my things are the same, I'm the same, I do the same things, but why doesn't it feel the same? Home for me isn't an actual place anymore. I have a place that I keep all my things but I don't really have a home.

nonsense about nonsense.

Lol at my blogging habits and abilities.  When I first started I was all "I blog at least four times a day but the more it goes on, I'll be lucky if I get one post a month."

But it ends...... now. 

My life is weird and unorganized and confusing and I let that distract me from documenting it when really, all that is a great recipe for something worth documenting. 

Sometimes when I write here I picture me talking/preaching to a group (or however many of you still read this, if anyone even still does) but in reality, I would look more like Tom Hanks from Cast Away yelling to his volleyball Wilson. That seems more fitting.

One day, my buddy asked me why I'm so nice all the time to everyone and I said "well, there have been people in my life who haven't been that nice to me and hated the way it made me feel and I will never forget the feeling when those people were not nice to me. So, I am nice to everyone always because I never want to make someone feel the way I felt when someone was unkind to me."

So if you are reading this and you aren't a nice person you should be a nice person. Because mean people are mean and everyone is in better moods when strangers are nice to them for no reason.

365 days of Lou.

On September 20th, it was officially one year since I got Lou.

He's been making me laugh every day since.

He's also been making me question why I never got a bunny before. 

there are very few feelings........... part 1

That are better than the following:

1. When the lights go down at a concert right before the band goes on stage. This ALWAYS gives me chills and I can never contain myself. Lots of  tiny jumping (basically bouncing my knees) and clapping. It's kind of an unreal experience. People you are continuously listening to and that have changed your life are suddenly just right in front of you. They are real people. Everyone takes something different from a live show, and I feel lucky that I feel more during (and after) a live show than just the sound of the concert.

2. Getting your regrowth filled in. I'm naturally dirty blonde and since I get my hair dyed with the lightest blonde, my natural blonde looks very dark in contrast. So, the second my hair starts growing, it looks like I have a huge black part and it makes me cringe. I love watching my hair lady put on the blonde color over the regrowth and coming out with all blonde hair again. Ahhhh.

3. Remembering you have leftover food from take-out the night before when you are driving home and you are freaking starving and sad because you think you have nothing to eat. Self explanatory.

4. When a 12-pack of Mountain Dew is only $4 at Target.

5. Checking your bank account and there is more money in there than you were anticipating. So let's celebrate by spending it! Jk.

some things just aren't worth the dollar.

You know when you are at work and you are hungry so you go down the street to the Albertsons? And you see this wrap thing that is a pita, peppered turkey, and swiss cheese and it's only a dollar, so you think sure, why not?

Well next time, think surely, hell no!

It wasn't that good. It tasted like the crusty ol dollar I used to buy it. Never again. I even did a dramatic gag/throw up gesture when I was done eating it. That's how much I hated the thing.

Last night, Kylee texted me and asked my favorite quote. She casually asked as if I didn't have 1,000,000,000 ½ to choose from. After I thought about it, I realized it was this one from my literary idol and all around hero, Jim Morrison:

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

Followed closely by this one:

“That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending - performing. You get to love your pretense. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act - and the sad thing is, people get so used to their image, they grow attached to their masks. They love their chains. They forget all about who they really are. And if you try to remind them, they hate you for it, they feel like you're trying to steal their most precious possession.”

Kylee ended up loving these quotes and she sent back this:

He's very wise I see why you like him.

I need to look him up he's growing on me. I need to learn more, I like him, you sold me.

 
I converted a new Jim Morrison fan! Jim Morrison was a literary genius and I do my best to pass his legacy on so as much people know about him as possible. I miss him and I never even knew him.

that's the way uh-huh uh-huh i like it! UH-HUH UH-HUH.

Fall. That's the way I like it.

Anything that comes after August. Again, that's the way I like it, uh-huh uh-huh.

Everything is better when it's not hot and dumb outside.

I hate the heat and I have said many times, I think even on here, that I would rather be hypothermic-freezing-dangerously-close-to-death-cold than miserably hot.

Everything is better in the fall time. The clothes, the weather, the sports, your mom, the goodies, the styles, the activities, everything, etc. Even being inside feels better in the fall.

I haven't been up to much lately. Basically my life consists of:


1. Working.
2. Bunny play-time. Which is also known as the best time.
3. Reading.
4. Music. (listening, discovering, concerts)
5. Writing down thoughts and quotes from reading in my new teal notebook.
6. Driving around. - I made up a new favorite route.
7. Going to the library to pick out some new CDs and books.
8. Facetiming with Shandey while she is in Chicago.

If there is no such thing as time, you're already there, and you're controlling this cycle. Problems of the future can be solved by mankind because you create them. And you have to believe in the future, it's what we have to do. We progress, we always progress - we try to.

Space is expanding; there are spirits coming from the center, right? We're going counterclockwise. There's supposed to be eight other universes going counterclockwise, and that's called Superuniverse, you know? And love's always been the message. It's just - circumstances happen, right? People freak out, just flat flip out, you know?

It's a negative force, coming in on a positive force, because it's a third dimension, right? And for it to solidify or to crystallize, it has to have both elements, right? And you have to keep it in balance, or it will, it will, it will, one of them will destroy the other...

day trip and long car rides.

Alex, Alysha, Jamie, Brennin, and I all took a day trip to Wendover on Sunday. Mostly because we didn't have to work on Monday because of Labor Day and had nothing else to do. Alex and Brennin played Black Jack while Alysha, Jamie, and I wandered to get drinks and check everything out.

The drive there and back was the best part, it's about a two hour drive, so four hours total. We goofed off and argued about the Eagles. We also, had a fun time picking out what our name would be if we ever started a band.

We stopped at the Nevada liquor store on the way home because they have cheaper stuff there and LOOK WHAT I FOUND! And Alysha is such a good friend that she bought it for me cause she knew I had been looking everywhere for it.

 

Speaking of Alysha, she got stung by a bee last week and her leg was swelling up. Look at the difference.

She's healed since though, so no reason to panic.

long train rides when you have nothing else to do.

Sometimes when your friend Kylee comes over and you have nothing else to do and you both feel restless, you decide to ride the FrontRunner train from one to the other to pass the time and to people watch.

And it turns out to be really fun and entertaining.

 Kylee pondering the scenery. 

We got off the train in Ogden and didn't know what to do once we go there so we just got on the bus. We really enjoyed the old lady who knew every possible news story and was sharing them with the people of the bus trying to start a debate. She was using phrases like, "if that were my child, I would be dead or in jail right now. STRAIGHT UP." - said the 60 year old lady.

When we decided to head back to Salt Lake, we had to wait 76 minutes. So we sat at the station and listened to music and talked about certain theories we had on people we knew.

My view from the window seat.

I thought this sign was funny in Ogden. 

BINOCULARS - TO THE RIGHT

(no idea what it really means)

always looking up.

I love the sky.

I feel like 95% of my day is looking up at the sky... either at the moon, the sun, the sunset or sunrise, the stars, the clouds, the birds, airplanes, and some days even RAINBOWS. Or if you are that really sensitive guy from Youtube DOUBLE/TRIPLE rainbows. I wonder if he ever found out what it means. The other 5% of my day is either filled with me being excited with what I saw or sad for what I didn't see in the sky.

I love it because you never see the same sunset or sunrise twice. And I love looking at the moon and wondering how many other people in the world are looking at it. I never look at the sun for that long or else I see those white spots when I look anywhere else.

Tuesday was a wonderful cloudy and stormy day and after eating fish tacos with Kylee (YUM) I went for a drive and saw this:

I love rainbows.

The mountains are pretty too.

I pulled my car over to take this picture...

And other people were out on the street adoring the rainbow.

I feel tickled when I see others enjoying the little things.

three in one.

You know my head is especially noisy today when I post THREE times on here. My head feels like a TV today... it feels like there are many channels playing at once up there. Some are more clearer and louder than others and some are still fuzzy and I'm trying to see what's beyond the fuzz. My head is flipping through the channels and I'm just trying to see what it all means or is trying to say.

Utah.

I really love Utah. It's such a pretty place with so much variety. We have the (tiny) city, the mountains, the lakes, the desert, the suburban areas, the rural areas. I've never hated Utah.. besides the lame rules of everything basically being closed on Sunday or closing early. But lately, I feel like I have outgrown Utah. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Is this just normal for a 24 year old? Or do I really not belong here anymore? I picture myself living somewhere like Seattle or New York. I've always adored San Fransisco but I can't see myself living there. And since right now I eat things like Ramen and Mac & Cheese, living in those cities are both very unrealistic but I feel a pull towards those cities and I want to make it a reality.

I want to live in an apartment where I can walk downstairs, step out and I'll immediately  be apart of the people of the city. Or where I can walk to anywhere I need to be. I don't really have much here in Utah so I won't be leaving anything behind and I would love a fresh start.

So that's my new goal. Work hard and save up to move to either Seattle or New York.

Anywhere but here.

fear.

totes favsies movie quoties.

Here are some of my favorite movie quotes that I think about all the time, mostly when I'm going for a drive or just when I need to remember some perspective.

"Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that. "

-From Little Miss Sunshine


"Adults are, like, this mess of sadness and phobias"

-From Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. "

-From Garden State

another friday night and i ain't got nobody...

Just a song title and I changed a word but still. It fits.

I've never liked Fridays. The only thing Fridays have to offer for me is it's a night I can stay up late guilt free and think of all the things I've been wanting to do but never do them... like:

-rearrange my room.
-have an all night partywow movie marathon. literally all night.
-start painting again.
-make friendship bracelets.

But I usually will end up walking around my quiet apartment feeling restless. Sometimes Friday nights are hard for me if I'm alone. I have too much time to think and contemplate. I don't care being alone, most days I prefer the solitude... but I think of how I used to spend my Friday nights and how different my life has changed since then and I just sit and think "how did I get here? Seriously, WTF"

Reality be like...

"LOL Kaleena. I will take away everything you love and make you deal with it while everyone else seems to have their life together and make you wonder what you are doing wrong"

Expectations be like...

"Good things will happen to you and you will know what you want and feel and you will figure things out."

All I know is... I'm going to Smiths after work. Buying a big-ass steak. Seasoning it with lemon pepper, chopped onions, garlic, and pepper. Grilling it to medium-rare and then eating it.

basically, i suck.

WOO! My first post as a 24 year old. YEAAAHH!! WELL ALRIGHT!

Aaaand it feels the exact same as it did when I was 23... and 22... and 21... and OMG, have I had this thing for that long? Well allow me to shout "wowzers bowzers!" at that news because it sure hasn't seemed like that long.

I have some serious regret going on right now that I haven't been writing more on here during these last few months. These have been some crucial months for me where I have grown and learned so much about myself and life. Everything I once thought I knew, isn't. And everything I once felt, can't. And everything I once thought I wanted, won't. Did that make sense?

OH! Two nights ago, my friend Kylee told me I had really good word choice to explain feelings and how things are or feel. And that made me feel great because for some reason that is a huge compliment for me.

Some events of my life these last few months:

-Had a birthday that ended with me turning 24. Wat.
-Met JOHN DENSMORE of the DOORS. I was talking to and  standing by someone Jim Morrison once did and it was amazing. I love the Doors. Best band ever and that's just a fact.
-Bunny was checked into the vet to be hospitalized because he was sick. :( it was some sad and scary times but he recovered and is back to being sassy and cute.
-Became addicted to VINE. I basically open that app and LOL forever. And luckily, my roommate/friend is addicted to it too so when I find a really funny one, I run into her room and show her and LOL together. But It also makes me feel highly uncreative.
-Learning how hard it is to be responsible and making enough money to make ends meet. Sheesh, money is stressful sometimes. Ugh.

I will be here more now to explain more about how I've grown and the lessons I've learned. I need these hard times because without them you can't learn anything or grow. You don't learn anything from happiness and peace. At least I don't anyway.

remember!

if it smells like shit everywhere you go,
look under your own shoe.

1. the gun is always loaded.
2. the plate is always hot.
3. the car in front of you will always stop unexpectedly

if you are constantly comparing your life to the lives of others, you will never be happy.

these days.

These days,
I either feel everything at once
or
nothing at all.

I don't know what is worse.
Feeling like I'm drowning in feelings
or
being so thirsty for them I don't know who I am.

life is a test and i get bad marks.

I looooove music. I always have. When I was little, I would stay up late in my room listening to my radio (the oldies station) just to hear my favorite songs (mostly CCR, Jim Croce, the Byrds, the Beatles). And I remember the feeling of hearing the start of the my favorite song. It was the best feeling in the world. I'm sure music has done more for me than therapy would any day.

To this day, I am still pretty much really into music. I want to somehow create something that has all my favorite lyrics. Can't come up with anything yet.

This is an old instax of me and Steve.

Found it last night and I was overwhelmed with so many different emotions.

same hair, new style.

I am as fickle as they come. Who 'they' is, I don't know but I am one of them I guess. I change my mind and feelings on everything so much that sometimes I just get impulsive.

Basically, my hair gets to experience my fickleness the most. That's why I go from bangs to no bangs, dark to blonde, from blonde to dark... even though every time I go back to blonde after dark, I swear it will be my last time. LOL at me ever saying anything is for the last time.

My recent act of impulsion was decided I wanted to get a 'long bob' haircut. Or a 'long a-line' The idea popped into my head around noon last Monday and by 5:45 that night, I had the haircut.

Here is what I asked for:

And this is what I got:

You can't tell but it's a bit shorter in the back. And basically I love it. It doesn't take that long to dry and style and I can wear it in a tiny ponytail. Also, do you know what is awkward? One woman fedora photo-shoots in your room while your bunny watches you.

24 next month. wut.

Age is weird. Not the concept of age or accepting that you are getting older.. but just remembering.

The other day I was at a gas station and a cop was like "are you 17?" (not sure why he was asking that, I was just standing in line with a Mountain Dew. Pervert)

So I said, "No, I'm of legal age."

He replied with, "21?"

And I thought to myself... Am I 21 or 22? And I was like Duh, I'm 24.

Well later that day I realized/remembered that I am 23. LOL. Wut?

So I'm twenty-four next month and it's weird because I still feel like I'm nineteen. I wish I was nineteen. I liked nineteen. I will make a list of twenty-four things.. hmm.. how about, twenty-four things I just suck at. Because when you are me, there are a lot of things you suck at.

I suck at...

1. Getting stuff done that needs to be done. I moved a month ago and there is STILL stuff in my trunk I should unpack. But no. Just no.

2. Planning ahead.

3. Getting enough sleep.

3. Not over analyzing EVERYTHING.

4. Remembering everything I need at the grocery store.

5. Cooking.

6. Math.

7. Resisting to talk to animals I see walking past me.

8. Staying focused.

9. Drinking more water than pop.

Here is an unplanned intermission from this boring list... I got a haircut and it's kind of short and I love it because it looks and feels healthy again but I hate it because I have no split ends to pick at. Now what will I do on the phone or in traffic??

10. Making small and big decisions.

11. Staying mad at someone. Actually, this depends. I have been known to hold a grudge.

12. Articulating what I want to say.

13. Remembering what I was going to say.

14. Coming up with lists that needs twenty-four items.

15. Using the same amount of shampoo and conditioner so they run out at the same time.

16. Using my bread and produce before they expire or go gross.

17. Remembering to text back.

18. Writing.

19. Having legible handwriting.

20. Saving money.

21. Not being shy.

22. Knowing where a letter in the alphabet is without singing the entire alphabet.

23. Doing stuff on my bucket list.

24.Being an adult.

one fish, two fish, who is dr seuss.

This was one of the best weekends I've had in a loooooong time. That long needs more "o's" for emphasis. In a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

On Friday I went to this mummy exhibit at the Leonardo museum with my good friend Brad that I used to work with. Mummies are so interesting but equally creepy. I was in the mummy's faces like "whoooa, this mummy was once an actual human being who loved, and had a family, and was walking around and now he is just here in this case being a mummy."

Then on Saturday I went fishing. And it honestly was so much fun. Kids at a five year old birthday party who have access to unlimited soda, cotton candy, and ice cream who can later bounce around in an inflatable bounce-house without any adults nagging them to not jump so high don't have as much fun as I did fishing. I didn't catch anything, but who cares. We hiked up Bell's canyon and went fishing there and it was so peaceful and calm. After we fished it was rock time. We chucked rocks into the lake which is oddly of my favorite nature-related hobbies. Then the rest of the night was spent drinking beer and people watching at the bar, Hog's Wallow. And I agree, it does sound like something straight from Harry Potter.

This is a picture I captured myself from fishing... I didn't rip it off from a nature magazine. It's legit from my phone.

Sunday was Sunday. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (from what I could tell from my window). I was chin deep in Sunday mode and was in bed all day watching the Office on DVD, drinking Squeez-its and trying to avoid my real adult problems.

this is my life.

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

life is weird.

My life is really weird right now. I'm at a really confusing spot. 

Everything I thought I was sure of at one point has me confused. How can you trust your feelings if they can just disappear like that?

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between my old life and my new life and I'm still having a hard time letting go of the old and comfortably entering my new life.

I'm really happy with these new changes and I've been outside my comfort zone, but I still feel kind of lost... I don't have any direction and I don't know what I'm doing. But the thing is, if I had the choice to go back to my old life and everything that was once mine and my happy place, I don't know if I want that anymore. I think about my past a lot and I miss a lot of things, but I don't know if that means that's what I want or if it was because it was part of me for so long that it's my security blanket.

brought back to life.

Basically, anytime I am sad or stressed or confused or WHAT IS MY LIFE, I tend to disappear. Not just from here, but from everyone like friends and family. So in real life, if you don't see me or hear from me, just know something is going and I like to keep to myself to figure everything out.

I'M BACK.

And here is what has happened in the last month:

-I moved! I went from the Avenues to Cottonwood Heights. I will forever love and miss the Avenues but I like my new area too. And we have a pool. But the gate to get into the complex sounds like a pissed off witch that is getting tickled and wants to laugh but is trying to suppress it. And that wakes me up sometimes.

-I realized how much I hate packing, for a lot of reasons. I will forever wonder where all my stuff comes from. I swear it multiplies every time I move. So I hate being forced to go through it to throw stuff away and in the midst of that I will find an old memory that will make me sad or I will find a toy that will distract me. It just sucks and I can't get anything done. I made a promise that the place I live now, will be place I die just so I don't have to pack and move again.

-I ran out of gas while driving! Are you suprised? I'm not. I am pro at knowing just how low the gas gage can sit BELOW the E before I have to finally stop and get some gas. Except this time, I ran out and it was like 11PM. I sat on the side of road thinking of who I can call...

Not Shandey, she is probably in bed and lives 40 minutes away.
Not Steve...
Not my mom, I don't want her to worry.

Was that really all the people I had to go through to see who could help? Then I remembered...

KRAMER! My longtime BFF Kramer who will always be my BFF but it's kind of hard since he is married. I called him and he didn't even ask questions or hesitate. He said he was on his way (after he laughed because this has been happening to me ever since our friendship had started).

I'm really thankful for Kramer, I hadn't seen him in a long time but he came to help without asking questions or expecting anything in return. That's a real friend. We both went home smelling like gasoline.

That's about it... I'm very happy. I thought I would be sad to leave my apartment with Steve and the life we built there, but this change has been good and I'm really happy.

meow. rawr. lol, jk.

This is me and my niece.

Lola.

FYI: We aren't really cats, those are just stickers. LOL.

Meow.

and then i would ask you what you were doing for the rest of your life.

Here are just some things that are making me cry (from joy), cry (from sadness), LOL, and ponder.

1. I am a very big Frasier fan. Yeah, the show with Kelsey Grammer. Be careful though, because the more you watch that show... the more you are likely to get a weird crush or attraction to Fraiser. Wut? But the older Frasier... not the one with the fluffly crown hair. Anyway. It's a long story and I'm not good at telling long stories or giving synopsis's on episodes but I will tell you that Niles just delivered this line and it literally gave me tears (of joy) in my eyes.

"I would ask you your name, and then I would tell you mine. Then I would ask you what you were doing for the rest of your life."

Isn't that the sweetest thing? Future husband, if you are reading this, let alone existing, please say that or something like that when you propose to me. Hashtag LOL at my life.

2. Basically, I have an opportunity to move out with a friend and it's happening a lot sooner and faster than expected. And it's a huge reminder how much I hate change and how much I can't deal with change. This means this is where my tears from sadness is coming. But I keep thinking of this quote:

"So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!” 

3. What will make me LOL forever is Golden Girls. That show is awesome in every way. I can't get enough of it. Sometimes I wish I was that age living with friends that age and getting into the same shinangans they do.  

things that suck.

VACUUMS MOSTLY.

This post is dedicated to how fun vacuuming is.

I'm not being sarcastic.

We got a new vacuum and it's been so fun to vacuum with such power. I love to vacuum. It's so clean up in here now. Not one piece of scrap, dust, food, crumb, etc is on the carpet.

I will seriously come and vacuum for you. (if you live in my area, ha).

Does this mean I'm finally an adult if I'm excited over a new vacuum?

 

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all

zZzZzZzzzzzZZZZzzz.

I don't know why but all I know is I am really tired these days. It's not that sleepy feeling where you feel like you need a quick nap, but it's the feeling where your whole entire body feels exhausted and you have to drag yourself around. I think I need to eat more vegetables.  Usually, I stay up until 2-3AM (even on weekdays because I'm stupid and can't grasp this is never a good idea) but lately, I'm in bed by 11PM.

And it feels great.

I love being in a warm bed just to sleep and lay and be comfortable. I think I have successfully moved from being a "home body" to a "bed body" ... my social status is only getting worse from here. I should probably care.

Oh and I don't have work tomorrow. I LOVE PRESIDENTS!

how can you trust your feelings if they can change so sudden.

Ugh.

This movie. I think of it and all I can come up with is "ugh". Not the bad kind of "ugh", but it just left me so emotionally raw and pensive where I can't come up with words. It was a deep and emotional experience. Obviously I cried.

I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying because it was a realization of an ugly, sad truth I won't be able to get around.

If you have never seen this movie, you have to watch it alone. It's not a buddy movie. It's very deep and engaging.

This is the most true and accurate as a love story in a movie gets. Remember how at the start of (500) Days of Summer where it says, this is not a love story, it's a story about love? It's like that.

I used to be such a hopeless romantic, but when I see movies like this where you see that love in reality isn't what the movies or catchy pop/love songs portray it as, it leaves you feeling kind of hopeless and that anything good will eventually unravel and nothing happens how you plan.

I feel like Juno from Juno. I just need to know that two people can stay together and be happy with each other no matter what. No matter the hard times. No matter the age. No matter the money. No matter the job, etc.

 

getting [kind of] better.

One of my new year's resolutions was to be better at cleaning... not just hurrying and cleaning and hiding stuff because I found out people were coming over in less than an hour. But in all honesty, nothing gets a home cleaner faster or more thorough then when you find out you will have guests on short notice.

So far, success! It is only February, but right now, it looks like we are waiting for people to come over and we definitely are not. Every time I have to type out d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y I really just hate the freakin' word. I've learned, cleaning is kind of a habit, not just a chore. But I still will hate nothing more than having to do the dishes. We don't have a dishwasher. Actually we do have a dishwasher, and she is typing this right now. Can your dishwasher blog too? CAN IT?

I'm exhausted. Couldn't wait til I got home so I could nap. But that really annoying thing happened where you are tired all day and then you get home and feel like you've been on doing speed all day. Is there a word for that? Because I hate it. I laid in bed for an hour trying to get into sleep mode. Stared at the ceiling. Tried to spot "look-a-like" things in the ceiling moldings (only found a duck, Conan O'Brian, and a bottle). Looked at the Christmas lights draped around my window. Decided if I should take a picture of how pretty they made my room look. Didn't take a picture. Thought, eff this nap, I'm getting on the computer.


---
If you are terrible at cooking like you know I am, click on this link. It will make you feel LOTS better. And you'll laugh and say "what the..."

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelysanders/people-worse-at-cooking-than-you-food-fails

record store!

Saturday was a... I don't want to say productive, but that's the only word that comes to mind. The power went out at work on Friday so I got to leave early. At first I was like "WOOO!" but then I found that meant I had to work on Saturday. My "WOOO!" quickly changed to a "BOOO!"

Who cares though. I made some money.

After working for a quick bit, I went home to snuggle freeze. Our heater is broken and it was FIFTY-FIVE DEGREES inside. Thankfully, the landlord brought a space heater which was heavenly. Then hours later the heat was actually fixed and I could be home without wearing a robe and the snuggie. During my short experience of no heat indoors and saw the lenghts I had to go to stay warm (and even then still I froze) it really made me question why ANYONE would want to go camping this time of year for hunting or whatever they do. Ugh. Count me out.

Anyway.

Then, I finally went to Randy's Records! Have you heard? It's so neat inside that little, crammed record store. I didn't go to buy anything, I just wanted to browse. And yes, they had the Doors there. They had a Doors album... original pressing... still sealed... for only FIFTY BUCKS. I wanted it but didn't get it because of my funds. It was still amazing to look at and hold though.

 (above) that is the one that was still sealed and stole my heart.

(above) I just liked this cover/album.

lunchables are a good way to celebrate.

Cooking diaries: Day 412

Last meal attempted was home made fish & chips. Kitchen is still in tact. Only one boo-boo aquired from cooking last night and that's because when oil boils it jumps out of the pot and gets you in the face.

 

--

 

Home made fish & chips was thankfully a success and surprisingly easy. My self esteem needed that tiny success. So now I'm going to celebrate by eating a Pizza Lunchable.

 

update on a lot of nothing!

Tonight!

 It's my first night back in our apartment!

My home!

My natural habitat.

And I'm looking forward to getting re-settled. Usually... I would hate it because I hate unpacking... sometimes I never even unpack. Ha. There is usually clothes always in my suitcase. But you know, I just look at it like it makes things more convenient for the next trip.

I have big plans tonight. Big plans to attempt making fish and chips from scratch! Minus going out to a lake and catching the fish. I'm just going to substitute that part with the fish market at Smiths. The internet makes it sound and look easy... but that's usually when I have the hardest time. I for some reason will always overcomplicate things. Especially in cooking. And life.

Then, after I try and serve dinner in a kitchen that's hopefully not on fire, I am going to make this collage thing. I have this bulliten board I got two years ago that I never found a use for. So I decided all my concert tickets will look very dandy on it.

I have started to collect pins. I actually collect a lot of things... being a person who finds sentimental value in everything, you end up with a lot of collections. My newest collection is pins. And this is my favorite:

 

the only sound sweeter than a child's laughter...

Is the sound of peace and silence!

ha.

After living with Shandey and my two nieces (Lola and Molly) for a month, it kind of made me realize I don't want kids and how much I enjoy solitude. They are the sweetest, most well behaved kids, but I honestly don't think i'm cut out to be a mom... mostly because I'm just a really big kid myself. And I'm really selfish with my time and "wants". I don't think I have the patience or the maturity (yet). For example, Molly is the cutest baby ever but when I'm holding her on my lap and she drools, I cringe and pass her to my sister so i can run away.

Maybe in 5-10 years I will feel differently and be ready to not be selfish and have some kids, but right now, I just don't feel like it's right for me.

Today is my last day staying at Shandey's house. In conclusion of this month, it has been decided that I will not be going to chicago anymore :(

I'm very sad at this news.

The reason being is my brother in law is too stressed about the move and that having me apart of it was too much I guess. But if anything, this is just an ellipsis... there is still a great chance I will be moving there after they are settled and he is no longer stressed.

love hate realtionship: MONEY

I am looking forward to the day where I won't have to live paycheck to paycheck...

Where my plans and life won't revolve around when I'm getting paid next.

I really hate this "lifestyle" where it's ruled by my payroll schedule. It reminds me of that one song that always seems to be playing at Denny's at 3am by the Verve, Bittersweet Symphony...

"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die"

 





With all this being said... I want to announce that I have successfully made it through this last week on very minimal funds and I am now pro at how to conserve and how to make a gas of tank last longer than possible even though that orange gas tank has lit up on the dash.

 

I am grateful to experience this time in my life thought, because it makes me realize how hard you have to work for something and earn some weird sense of independence. This will all mean something someday.

 

My spellcheck isn't working for some reason, and I'm far too lazy to go proof read this so I kindly ask you to not judge me if you caught an error. 

i need to remember this more often:

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way

-Charles Bukowski

today is the day...

That I officially decided that my #1 favorite band as of February 4th is....

Brand New

I've never been easy to choose just one band or artist as a favorite because there are so many choices and so much variety.

But after listening to Brand New non-stop for the last two weeks... I knew they were my favorite. Like favorite favorite.

I can listen to them when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm hurt, when I'm anything and they make it seem like it will all be okay and that I can get out of bed.

Oh and because Jesse Lacey:

 

life's about changing.

On January 18th I went to Petco to get some hay and bedding for my BFF bunny Lou. While I was there I saw a sweet little bunny who was up for adoption. I played with it for a bit and decided to hurry and leave before I got too attached. Well, right when I left I wanted to go back and get him. So the next day I went back and adopted the sweet little bunny. He was a Holland Lop, 2 years old, and came from an abusive home (grrr). I was so happy I would be able to save and rescue this little buddy.

I brought him home and it was kind of heartbreaking to see how timid and frail he was. You could feel his spine (and see it too actually) and his poor fur on his ears were matted. But he was lucky to end up with such an animal lover like me because he would see nothing but love.

I named him Murph. And Murph was a sweetheart. It was cute to see him and Lou chase each other.

However, something went terribly wrong on Sunday night. I was at the U of U basketball game and when I got home I went over to say hi to Murph and Lou and I noticed Murph was laying on his side which he never does. I laid there by him to see if he was breathing. After a while I started to panic and I shook him and his cage a little bit and said "wake up, wake up" The more moitionless he remained the more I knew the thing I was hoping it wasn't, was.

Little, sweet Murph had died.

I know it wasn't my fault but I feel so sad I wasn't there to be with him. My heart is broken. I looked on the internet and I guess it's normal for a bunny who was abused and to go from home to home is likely to have a sudden death. I wish it wasn't that way :(

R.I.P. Murph. I love you and I'm sorry you had such a crappy life that you didn't deserve. I loved the upside heart on your face.

 

grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers

If you think that a kiss is all in the lips
C'mon, you got it all wrong, man
And if you think that our dance was all in the hips
Oh well, then do the twist
If you think holding hands is all in the fingers
Grab hold of the soul where the memory lingers and
Make sure to never do it with the singer
'Cause he'll tell everyone in the world

-Jack White
The White Stripes

change is never easy; you fight to hang on and you fight to let go.

HELLO.

As of January 6th I have been living out at Shandey's house (just til February 1st...).
Just me and the little bunny friend living in their extra bedroom.
Everything is fine, it's just so we can "test run" what it will be like living with each other in Chicago.

Honestly, it's a hard adjmustment. As much as I love Shandey and my nieces, it's a lifestyle i'm not used to. The hardest part is not seeing Steve everyday. Ha, we are three days in and that has been my biggest struggle. I miss him. I think about him a lot. When I listen to the very bottom of my heart, I think this time I'm away at Shandey's is going to be good for more than one reason.

Not being at our apartment has really taught me how much of a homebody I am and how easily homesick I can be. I mean, I'm 30 minutes away from my apartment and I'm feeling like I'm in another country. Shandey has a nice, loving, warm home but nothing feels like my home.

A while ago I wrote on here, "Home is not a house, city, state, town, room, or street. Home is a person. And Steve is my home."

Normally, Kaleena would say "this is way too difficult and making me too sad to have this much distance from Steve and our apartment" but this new Kaleena that is weird and is all like "No, you are going to stay here and gain something from this experience. You aren't weak anymore."

Want to know how to know if you are crazy? You lecture youself and call yourself names. Ha. Insanity is great.

Just twenty-three more days and I'll be back in the Avenues. Home.

there's nothing worse than too late.

“there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late”

-Charles Bukowski 

i'm not ready...........

........ to go back to work tomorrow after I have had AN ENTIRE WEEK OFF.

But good news is, I know I will be very productive. Whenever I have mass amounts of time off, I'm efficient and productive... for like a week. Ha. Also, I have some new music on my iPod, so I'm excited to listen to it at work tomorrow. I have some Lumineers, CAKE, Killers, Bill Withers, Reel Big Fish, Walk Off the Earth. And oh yes, I will be listening to them all.

My goals/resolutions are this:

1. Stand out at work.
2. Be better at cleaning... (not waiting til the last minute to clean and keep things tidy every day)
3. Keep a regular schedule at the gym.
4. Get more sleep.
5. Focus on the future.
6. Don't waste time worrying or on things that bring me down.

This was my first post of 2013 and I made it as lame as possible. AND I didn't even do my annual tradition of saying all the new words that nobody in the world has probably said yet. I must be getting old.