the youngest of three.

These are my sisters.
Lacey on the left, me in the middle, and Shandey on the right.
And I love them.
Even on the days where I say they are annoying because damn.
And they love me even though I'm sensitive... or as Shandey would put it:
"sensitive is an understatement"

I love them because they drove around with me one Saturday all day (seriously, AALLL DAY) looking for some curtains (they had to be right shade of purple and basically nowhere sells purple curtains) and just a few miscellaneous (I spelled that right on the first try, yay. go to hell spell check) things I needed for my lil studio apartment. It was a daunting task that had to be done but they were just happy to help and go with me from store to store and more stores.

It sounds like a dumb thing that would make you realize how much you love your sisters or feeling grateful that they are yours, but you get to see how much they care in the little things they do. Like, I mentioned I needed a different toothbrush cause my teeth have gotten more sensitive and as we were wandering around Target, Lacey was crouched down in the aisle digging through all the tooth brushes to find a soft bristle one and she picked an electric blue and a deep teal for me to choose from because she knows I would like those colors.

TLDR; feelings

I love them because:

They answer the phone when I call them at 4AM because I think I'm being haunted. They tell me i'm insane because I am but they talk on the phone with me until I can fall back asleep.

brains, lol.

What my brain and memory choose to decides is beyond me. My brain won't remember who I told a story to so I will most likely tell that person the story two more times but my brain will remember a 15 digit alphanumeric password I see like once.
The thing with alphanumeric passwords or alphanumeric anything is don't.

I read this quote the other day that said "when you think of a memory, you aren't remembering that memory - you are thinking of the last time you thought of that memory."

What.

I get it kinda, but what?

A few very boring things that I am excited for!

1. I'm getting my hair done on April 4th at 6:00pm. That means a Friday night spent in a chair in a salon with tinfoil while I can feel my scalp burning - which is sign that you are becoming pretty. Right now my hair is 50/50. 50% dark blonde and 50% light blonde. Maybe I can dye the ends pink so my hair would like a Neapolitan ice cream tub. Jk.

I guess that's all. Do you think it's possible bunnies can get scared of ghosts or by their bunny imaginations? My bunny seemed really scared a few nights ago... he kept thumping which is a bunny's way of saying "OMG WTF" so I went over to comfort him. But in the back of my paranoid and insane brain, I think he saw something that freaked him. In reality, he was probably just grumpy.

a shadow giant!

Etch a postcard: how I dearly wish I was not here.

Just waiting for my real life to begin.

Update: this shadow creature is just me, Kaleena. My friends and I were playing with how silhouettes look on camera.

possible coincidence... but i never really know.

Right now I'm laying on my bed, propped up on my three pillows piled in a corner, my knees up so my laptop is resting between them and my tummy and my cell phone is laying on my chest.

 It's not there for any particular reason.

 I just set it there. 

I think I checked the time or something. 

Now that I painted that image of me for you....

Today was a really great day. Not much more to say about it than just that.
It's really easy for me to have negative thoughts, feel sad, and be really tough on myself. I've been trying really hard lately (a literal every day struggle) to not think this way, be more positive, and give myself a break.

I read somewhere once, that if you smile first thing in the morning, you will have a wonderful day and be happier in general. I thought of that tidbit of absolute bull crap as I was driving to work (kinda late, oops) at about 8:40AM. So, I did this huge, cheesy, sarcastic smile. Almost like I was mocking that theory. It must have worked because I was in a good mood all day, I felt happier, and here I am laying in bed reflecting at how productive today felt. But the brain is a powerful thing.

Here are some sayings and things that have been stuck in my brain lately:

- The end is built into the beginning. (whenever I spell beginning, I want to spell it like "begininningnningnng because that's how it feels when I'm typing it, ugh)

-My mama always said you've got to put that past behind you before you can move on.

-One day you are just going to be a memory to someone, so make it a good one.

a wall of indifference - part I

Some days, everything feels like it's finally falling into place.
I finally have a job where I feel happy with what I'm doing. I enjoy my boss - despite the intimidation.
And importantly, I see it as a place where I can grow.
Not just a paycheck.
Not just staring at the clock diligently counting down until it's 6PM and I'm outta there.
I'm putting a lot of my effort into this job and I'm starting to see the benefits. It's rare, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be proud of myself.

This is utterly unrelated but last Saturday, I heard a crow cawing by the Taco Bell on 400 South. It really stuck with me because I never hear or see crows... especially in the city. But the strange thing is, the next day I saw a fake crow as a lawn/garden ornament thingy and it made me go "hmm"
TLDR; crows

So... back to how things are falling into place...
I've been in a dark, confusing place for so long.
A place where I don't feel like me and I don't know who I am.
A place where I'm afraid I don't remember what I used to be.
A place where I feel like I have been pretending like I'm okay with what has happened.
A place where I'm annoyed that nothing is every really black and white and there isn't anybody to explain the gray areas.

I've been in this place before. I'm not a tourist there... I'm one of the locals. I can tell you all about the place.

My brain thinks of how I got out of this place last time -- The next thing happened. And I let it happen with an open heart. The something that's missing from me getting out of this dark, lonely place is the "next thing" needs to happen. Except if it does, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to accept anything with an open heart. I've built a wall of indifference. I have carefully placed each brick to create my solid and tall wall of indifference so nobody can reach me. Now, the only person struggling with the wall is me.

i'll help you procrastinate.

You can put off grocery shopping another day...

You can put off going to the gym for just one more day...

You can put off folding your laundry for another day...

You can put off helping your kid with the science fair proj... actually no, don't put that off.

In other words, you can put everything on your to-do list off for a good reason!

You are putting all of this off because you are gonna go see, What We Do In The Shadows. 

It's a comedy/horror (mostly just hilarious/awesome/insanely refreshing) movie and you will laugh through and through. 

It is easily put in my top 10 favorite movies.

I had no idea how the movie was gonna end and I really admire that in movie now days.

So go see it. And then tell me so we can talk about the funny parts and laugh.

the joke is we all have the same punchline!

You know the joke of all jokes that basically introduced you to jokes as a kid? 

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I found out that the joke "why did the chicken cross the road" is a joke about people who walk into oncoming traffic to kill themselves. They are cowards. 
The person crossing the road is a coward (chicken)
Crossing the road is walking into oncoming cars (suicide)
And the punchline is a metaphor for death (to get to the other side)

So... what I gathered from it is... Did Jim Morrison write "Break On Through (to the Other Side)" as a super spin off of this joke? Haha jk. 

a good friday night.

If it was a perfect Friday night... 

I would have been sitting in Energy Solutions Arena 

watching Bob Seger sing "Night Moves" and "Against the Wind" on stage. 

But that didn't happen. 

It was supposed to. 

But it didn't. 

And I say fooey!

So, instead I was at Oasis with 

Brennin, Spencer, and Josh.

All in which are my friends.

I mostly hung out with Brennin because he was helping with some of my decks. 

I made the kid with red hair sitting at the table with us laugh 

when I made some joke where I called Brennin 

"Adolf Magic"

It's insane how much making a stranger laugh can make me feel. 

I love it.

Still, after all this time when I find myself somewhere like Oasis on a Friday night

I still think of how did i get here and what am i doing? 

i miss my old Friday nights.

Even though it was Friday the 13th and I'm only a little-stitious... I try not to be superstitious because that garbage is for the feeble minded. That being said, I will admit i'm always relieved when
Friday the 13th is over.
Whew.

the beginning. again.

Well... here I am. 

The first post on this new laptop machine. 

I joked that it's basically an expensive Netflix/Reddit machine.

I'm really looking forward to having this so it can enable more active blogging

and my constant need to let out my thoughts and inner energies somewhere.

It will be good for me.

And you, too if you are in to reading about 

someones thoughts, feelings, confusions, wants, etc.

if only i thought of the right words....

Today's title brought to you by....... THE CURE! The song, "Pictures of You" to be exact. It's one of those songs that says "hey, you feel kind of sad now cause this song sounds like all the vivid memories you have, lol."

I have a brief announcement. I am getting my friend's old laptop today -- by old, I mean 2 years old. That means one thing! I will be able to blog more often again! Instead of a pathetic here and there every once in a pathetic while. I'm looking forward to it. Lots to share.

;)