my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear in my mouth...

If you know me or have ever known me, you know I'm not the same Kaleena I once was. Yeah, I still love music and going on long drives (especially on Sundays) and hate odd numbers. That stuff is the same. But apart from that, I'm not the same Kaleena I used to be.  I had my heart broken and my entire world as I knew it turned upside down a couple years ago. Reasons for me not being the same could be anything really... like just growing up, making new or losing old friends, getting my ass kicked by life. But if i'm being honest with you, I think it was having my heart broken into little tiny fragile pieces. A quote comes to mind...

In all our lives, there is a fall from innocence. A time after which, we are never the same

I think that sums it up. 

All of that is in the past. I'm still learning to let go even though I'm starting to believe that you never really let go or get over it, I'll just eventually learn to live with it in my own unique Kaleena way. What I need now is a place where I feel like I belong. To exist. Fit.  

The older I get, the more pressure I feel to have a "plan" or serious goals and to know exactly what I'm doing. And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what is best for me... I don't know what I will want in a year... I don't know if anybody does. Where are you supposed to go when your goals are vague like mine? To feel true happiness. To feel like I'm wanted. To feel like I'm doing the right thing. To feel like i'm experience a life that isn't routine and stale. To feel like I have a purpose.

When I close my eyes, I can feel some peace and clarity. I'm 25 years old, almost 26 in June and so far, I have felt some intense, special, amazing feelings and experiences that has given me the most valuable memories that will last my entire lifetime. 

Like feeling love:

Feeling love and loss:

Unforgettable friendship:

New friendships:

I don't think being confused, lost, scared, or feeling like a failure should be associated with bad.  That's apart of growing up. I think you need to feel those things and go through those things in order to grow as a person and learn about yourself. The best I can do is take steps towards what feels right for me and let everything fall into place. Because right now I feel like I have no direction and I feel lost and confused.