sunday is not a funday.

Who really believes Sunday is Sunday Funday?

I spend all of Sunday mentally and emotionally preparing for the next 5 bleak days in which I have to function in an office setting that I believe I was not cut out for.

 Is anybody happy in a 9-5 office setting? 

It's like a florescent tomb.

I feel a lot older than I actually am. 

If I feel this jaded at 26, 

I'm terrified to see what 40 feels like.

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear in my mouth...

If you know me or have ever known me, you know I'm not the same Kaleena I once was. Yeah, I still love music and going on long drives (especially on Sundays) and hate odd numbers. That stuff is the same. But apart from that, I'm not the same Kaleena I used to be.  I had my heart broken and my entire world as I knew it turned upside down a couple years ago. Reasons for me not being the same could be anything really... like just growing up, making new or losing old friends, getting my ass kicked by life. But if i'm being honest with you, I think it was having my heart broken into little tiny fragile pieces. A quote comes to mind...

In all our lives, there is a fall from innocence. A time after which, we are never the same

I think that sums it up. 

All of that is in the past. I'm still learning to let go even though I'm starting to believe that you never really let go or get over it, I'll just eventually learn to live with it in my own unique Kaleena way. What I need now is a place where I feel like I belong. To exist. Fit.  

The older I get, the more pressure I feel to have a "plan" or serious goals and to know exactly what I'm doing. And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what is best for me... I don't know what I will want in a year... I don't know if anybody does. Where are you supposed to go when your goals are vague like mine? To feel true happiness. To feel like I'm wanted. To feel like I'm doing the right thing. To feel like i'm experience a life that isn't routine and stale. To feel like I have a purpose.

When I close my eyes, I can feel some peace and clarity. I'm 25 years old, almost 26 in June and so far, I have felt some intense, special, amazing feelings and experiences that has given me the most valuable memories that will last my entire lifetime. 

Like feeling love:

Feeling love and loss:

Unforgettable friendship:

New friendships:

I don't think being confused, lost, scared, or feeling like a failure should be associated with bad.  That's apart of growing up. I think you need to feel those things and go through those things in order to grow as a person and learn about yourself. The best I can do is take steps towards what feels right for me and let everything fall into place. Because right now I feel like I have no direction and I feel lost and confused. 

my fingers are rusty.

Right now I'm just sitting in my room. On my bed. With music playing. Bunny drinking his water... which happens to be one of the loudest noises that you would think wouldn't be so noisy. And i'm drinking water out of a mason jar... not because I'm hip and have these chic ideas on how to turn old junk into cute household items but because when you live with five people, sometimes an old jar is the only thing you can find to drink out of. So that's my Saturday.

I worked today. Which is something I'm not going to cry about. Yeah, it's not the ideal way to spend a Saturday but I get paid extra for working on Saturdays. And let's be real... what else would I really be doing.

Right now I'm really loving coconut oil. I put it all over my face and it makes it soft. Unfortunately, coconut oil doesn't give you a new, better face. But it does give you a face that is at least soft.

I just heard a lyric that made my insides shift sudden and low. It said

"when I see you again,
and i'm greeted as a friend,
it is understood,
we did all that we could."

I didn't really have a reason to start this post, but I just felt like my head and heart were very full and I needed an outlet. Before I started typing this I was just looking at my blog. I sat and thought as I stared at "Just Add Kaleena" in rainbow at the top of the page of this blog. The top of my stories and thoughts and feelings, and it suddenly registered to me how many different times I have logged in here and all the things that have happened to me since. The first time, that rainy Saturday when I was laying in (at the time) mine and Steve's bed and decided I should start a blog. Kaleena, why didn't you start this sooner? There have been so many special and precious moments these last six years. But I guess you can never truly know the value of a moment until it is a memory. When I think of this blog, what I see in my head is our (mine and Steve's) old apartment living room in the Avenues lit by the floor lamp that we bought together from Big Lots, me on my laptop - Steve on his. Family Guy/Scrubs/Fraiser on TV. Either super STICKY hot or teeth chattering cold-hiding under layers of blankets, and typing on here. Occasionally Steve and I would glance at each other to share a laugh at what just happened on TV. Some people would look at that and think "you guys just spent time on your computers when you could have been doing so much more" but no. Those times, to both of us, are our most treasured times because Steve and I were so connected that we felt connected and at peace with each other no matter what we were doing. It's one of those things that we could spend the whole day in silence but at the end of the day feel like we've had the best conversation. They were comfortable silences. Not everyone can understand that. It's something I am certain I will never share with anyone else in this life. It is so rare and I'm so grateful I got to experience that feeling with another human, even if it was just for a short time. Our time together was short but it was the best time of my life. But was it cause it was our first love? Or because we were just in sync? I don't know. Other times when I logged in here it was after I just had the worst day, emotions all over the place and needed to put it out into words. And other times was just when I was silly and wanted to be silly on the internet. And now to this time.... me alone, reflecting on my past and realizing that nothing around me is permanent. Everything is temporary except for the love in your heart. I don't know where all this is coming from... there is a good chance that when I read this tomorrow I will just scratch my head. But sometimes the best way to understand how you are feeling is to write it down.

bits of NYC.

Since it was my first time in New York, I wanted to document and capture everything but at the same time, I didn't want to truly miss the moment I was trying to capture because I was distracted by getting a picture. I took close to 100 pictures, but only chose my favorites and most memorable ones.

Cafe Wha? - It's the place that Jimi Hendrix, Lou Reed/Velvet Underground, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, all played/were first discovered. Alysha and I spent a good chuck of Saturday looking for this place. When we finally turned the corner and saw it right there, I was so happy and overwhelmed. I love thinking that I was standing/walking where all those talented musicians was stood and walked. And that's the closest I will get to meeting any of them.

Brooklyn Bridge

 This is me failing at  blending in with the locals by doing the most tourist-y pose in Times Square. It was amazing.

The paper-cartoon-2D version of me and Alysha!! Alysha on the left and me on the right. Alysha and I are really similar when it comes to sense of humor and personalities except that I am very much right-brained and she more left-brained. So we were pretty excited when we realized I was drawn on the right (for right brained) and her on the left (for left brained).

Central Park. One of my favorite things we did/saw. Even though some parts of it was really stinky. Also, we are pretty sure we witnessed an engagement. 

A few of the locals.

The Flat Iron building. It is one of the prettiest buildings I've seen. 

Me and Alysha at some bar in Manhattan. This was a fun night. BUT. You know how some songs are just too sensitive to even listen to because they are linked to so much bittersweet memories that they mostly just make you sad? Well, this bar successfully played almost every single one of those songs for me. WTF bar in Manhattan.

Strawberry Fields. This is the John Lennon memorial in Central Park. Imagine all the people.... standing around admiring it.

Reader! This is the picture of when I finally found LOVE in New York! It was pretty magical so I sat on it.

Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. So I went in and grabbed me a New York slice. If you aren't laughing then it is probably because you don't watch the Office or appreciate Michael Scott.

Radio City. And everyone in New York drives yellow cars! jk

Just a squirrel in Union Square Park snacking on a cookie and looking cuter than I ever will in my lifetime.

The Statue of Liberty. Seriously, I wasn't expecting to be so life like and walking around and can I just say that it was way more interactive than history books portrayed.

The Subway was also one of my favorite things.

The Met (museum). It was really fascinating. 

Times Square.

back from NYC... for now...

I am back. Have been back since Sunday night. And meh. 

I've never hated Utah, ya know? I've always liked it here. 

It's home. 

But after experiencing New York, even for just four days, that's all I needed to know Utah isn't where I belong. 

New York is obviously one of the most popular and amazing cities in the world, but as soon as I got there, I felt like that's where I belonged. 

It kind of felt like I was arriving back home even though I've never been.

I sat in the middle seat on the flight to New York. Alysha asleep to my left (by the window) and the old man in dad jeans who told me to elbow him if he started snoring, asleep on my right. I was listening to my iPod and I looked over out the window and I started to see countless shimmery lights all aligned in a grid. I will never in my life forget the way I felt when I saw the New York lights/skyline from the plane for the first time. I guess it felt like I felt every good emotion in a burst and my skin was holding them back to where my heart felt very full. 

Just walking down any street in New York, there is a lot to take in. I was constantly looking up and the building or observing the faces on the people I passed or looking for places that Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, and Lou Reed might have once been (kidding, but just little). But I feel like I didn't take it all in as much as I wanted because there was so much going on. I don't have any words to explain how I much I enjoyed New York and I guess that's why I'm a shitty writer. But those short four days in New York changed my life and I will go back. And I will live there.

I miss it. 

I missed New York before I even left.

“Why are old lovers able to become friends? Two reasons. They never truly loved each other, or they love each other still.”

You always hurt the one you love
The one you shouldn't hurt at all
You always take the sweetest rose
And crush it till the petals fall

You always break the kindest heart
With a hasty word you can't recall, so
If I broke your heart last night
It's because I love you most of all

i need to remember this more often:

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think,
I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside
remembering all the times you've felt that way

-Charles Bukowski