the entire world vibrating around me and i couldn't feel a thing.

Feelings are jkashfuhasdpiupf98w84029384~oe;fae

Feelings for me are never easy, as dumb as that sounds.

 I know I feel a lot of them and I know I feel a lot of them at once, 

but I never know what they mean or what I'm supposed to do with them. 

Or why I feel them. But the weird thing is, I can identify what other people are feeling before they can and help them.

 Explain that.

I have this distinct memory that I go back to very often in my brain. The memory happened on June 1st, 2007. It was a Friday and it was the day I graduated high school. After graduation, there is a party at the school called "Senior Breakout." that starts at 10pm. I remember in the downtime after the graduation ceremony and before Senior Breakout, I was laying on the floor in my bedroom at my parent's house while "Float On" by Modest Mouse played on my iPod (pretty sure it was on shuffle). I lay there listening to the song while I heard Shandey (sister) in her old room with her fiance (now husband) talking about their wedding. I remember just laying on my floor, staring at the ceiling, listening to the song and just thinking, "shouldn't this moment be feeling different? this doesn't feel right. This isn't how I thought this would feel" mostly because... I remember not feeling... anything really. I had just accomplished the biggest thing of my life at that point, my sister was engaged, I had my whole grown-up life in front of me, the supposedly most fun party ever waiting for me at 10pm, --- but I lay there feeling nothing. The entire world vibrating around me and I couldn't feel a thing. I did't feel excited, accomplished, anticipation, relief, happiness, determination, etc. It was very silent inside me at that moment.

Maybe it's because I somehow knew my entire world was going to change and not be what I expected at all.

Life is weird and the concept of time is confusing.

The things your mind and memory grab can be confusing but I think it's important. It will all make sense one day. When this memory happened, it seemed so insignificant and every-day feeling, but it marked a turning point in  my life that I didn't know til now.

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear in my mouth...

If you know me or have ever known me, you know I'm not the same Kaleena I once was. Yeah, I still love music and going on long drives (especially on Sundays) and hate odd numbers. That stuff is the same. But apart from that, I'm not the same Kaleena I used to be.  I had my heart broken and my entire world as I knew it turned upside down a couple years ago. Reasons for me not being the same could be anything really... like just growing up, making new or losing old friends, getting my ass kicked by life. But if i'm being honest with you, I think it was having my heart broken into little tiny fragile pieces. A quote comes to mind...

In all our lives, there is a fall from innocence. A time after which, we are never the same

I think that sums it up. 

All of that is in the past. I'm still learning to let go even though I'm starting to believe that you never really let go or get over it, I'll just eventually learn to live with it in my own unique Kaleena way. What I need now is a place where I feel like I belong. To exist. Fit.  

The older I get, the more pressure I feel to have a "plan" or serious goals and to know exactly what I'm doing. And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what is best for me... I don't know what I will want in a year... I don't know if anybody does. Where are you supposed to go when your goals are vague like mine? To feel true happiness. To feel like I'm wanted. To feel like I'm doing the right thing. To feel like i'm experience a life that isn't routine and stale. To feel like I have a purpose.

When I close my eyes, I can feel some peace and clarity. I'm 25 years old, almost 26 in June and so far, I have felt some intense, special, amazing feelings and experiences that has given me the most valuable memories that will last my entire lifetime. 

Like feeling love:

Feeling love and loss:

Unforgettable friendship:

New friendships:

I don't think being confused, lost, scared, or feeling like a failure should be associated with bad.  That's apart of growing up. I think you need to feel those things and go through those things in order to grow as a person and learn about yourself. The best I can do is take steps towards what feels right for me and let everything fall into place. Because right now I feel like I have no direction and I feel lost and confused. 

a wall of indifference - part I

Some days, everything feels like it's finally falling into place.
I finally have a job where I feel happy with what I'm doing. I enjoy my boss - despite the intimidation.
And importantly, I see it as a place where I can grow.
Not just a paycheck.
Not just staring at the clock diligently counting down until it's 6PM and I'm outta there.
I'm putting a lot of my effort into this job and I'm starting to see the benefits. It's rare, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be proud of myself.

This is utterly unrelated but last Saturday, I heard a crow cawing by the Taco Bell on 400 South. It really stuck with me because I never hear or see crows... especially in the city. But the strange thing is, the next day I saw a fake crow as a lawn/garden ornament thingy and it made me go "hmm"
TLDR; crows

So... back to how things are falling into place...
I've been in a dark, confusing place for so long.
A place where I don't feel like me and I don't know who I am.
A place where I'm afraid I don't remember what I used to be.
A place where I feel like I have been pretending like I'm okay with what has happened.
A place where I'm annoyed that nothing is every really black and white and there isn't anybody to explain the gray areas.

I've been in this place before. I'm not a tourist there... I'm one of the locals. I can tell you all about the place.

My brain thinks of how I got out of this place last time -- The next thing happened. And I let it happen with an open heart. The something that's missing from me getting out of this dark, lonely place is the "next thing" needs to happen. Except if it does, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to accept anything with an open heart. I've built a wall of indifference. I have carefully placed each brick to create my solid and tall wall of indifference so nobody can reach me. Now, the only person struggling with the wall is me.

my fingers are rusty.

Right now I'm just sitting in my room. On my bed. With music playing. Bunny drinking his water... which happens to be one of the loudest noises that you would think wouldn't be so noisy. And i'm drinking water out of a mason jar... not because I'm hip and have these chic ideas on how to turn old junk into cute household items but because when you live with five people, sometimes an old jar is the only thing you can find to drink out of. So that's my Saturday.

I worked today. Which is something I'm not going to cry about. Yeah, it's not the ideal way to spend a Saturday but I get paid extra for working on Saturdays. And let's be real... what else would I really be doing.

Right now I'm really loving coconut oil. I put it all over my face and it makes it soft. Unfortunately, coconut oil doesn't give you a new, better face. But it does give you a face that is at least soft.

I just heard a lyric that made my insides shift sudden and low. It said

"when I see you again,
and i'm greeted as a friend,
it is understood,
we did all that we could."

I didn't really have a reason to start this post, but I just felt like my head and heart were very full and I needed an outlet. Before I started typing this I was just looking at my blog. I sat and thought as I stared at "Just Add Kaleena" in rainbow at the top of the page of this blog. The top of my stories and thoughts and feelings, and it suddenly registered to me how many different times I have logged in here and all the things that have happened to me since. The first time, that rainy Saturday when I was laying in (at the time) mine and Steve's bed and decided I should start a blog. Kaleena, why didn't you start this sooner? There have been so many special and precious moments these last six years. But I guess you can never truly know the value of a moment until it is a memory. When I think of this blog, what I see in my head is our (mine and Steve's) old apartment living room in the Avenues lit by the floor lamp that we bought together from Big Lots, me on my laptop - Steve on his. Family Guy/Scrubs/Fraiser on TV. Either super STICKY hot or teeth chattering cold-hiding under layers of blankets, and typing on here. Occasionally Steve and I would glance at each other to share a laugh at what just happened on TV. Some people would look at that and think "you guys just spent time on your computers when you could have been doing so much more" but no. Those times, to both of us, are our most treasured times because Steve and I were so connected that we felt connected and at peace with each other no matter what we were doing. It's one of those things that we could spend the whole day in silence but at the end of the day feel like we've had the best conversation. They were comfortable silences. Not everyone can understand that. It's something I am certain I will never share with anyone else in this life. It is so rare and I'm so grateful I got to experience that feeling with another human, even if it was just for a short time. Our time together was short but it was the best time of my life. But was it cause it was our first love? Or because we were just in sync? I don't know. Other times when I logged in here it was after I just had the worst day, emotions all over the place and needed to put it out into words. And other times was just when I was silly and wanted to be silly on the internet. And now to this time.... me alone, reflecting on my past and realizing that nothing around me is permanent. Everything is temporary except for the love in your heart. I don't know where all this is coming from... there is a good chance that when I read this tomorrow I will just scratch my head. But sometimes the best way to understand how you are feeling is to write it down.

nonsense about nonsense.

Lol at my blogging habits and abilities.  When I first started I was all "I blog at least four times a day but the more it goes on, I'll be lucky if I get one post a month."

But it ends...... now. 

My life is weird and unorganized and confusing and I let that distract me from documenting it when really, all that is a great recipe for something worth documenting. 

Sometimes when I write here I picture me talking/preaching to a group (or however many of you still read this, if anyone even still does) but in reality, I would look more like Tom Hanks from Cast Away yelling to his volleyball Wilson. That seems more fitting.

One day, my buddy asked me why I'm so nice all the time to everyone and I said "well, there have been people in my life who haven't been that nice to me and hated the way it made me feel and I will never forget the feeling when those people were not nice to me. So, I am nice to everyone always because I never want to make someone feel the way I felt when someone was unkind to me."

So if you are reading this and you aren't a nice person you should be a nice person. Because mean people are mean and everyone is in better moods when strangers are nice to them for no reason.

another friday night and i ain't got nobody...

Just a song title and I changed a word but still. It fits.

I've never liked Fridays. The only thing Fridays have to offer for me is it's a night I can stay up late guilt free and think of all the things I've been wanting to do but never do them... like:

-rearrange my room.
-have an all night partywow movie marathon. literally all night.
-start painting again.
-make friendship bracelets.

But I usually will end up walking around my quiet apartment feeling restless. Sometimes Friday nights are hard for me if I'm alone. I have too much time to think and contemplate. I don't care being alone, most days I prefer the solitude... but I think of how I used to spend my Friday nights and how different my life has changed since then and I just sit and think "how did I get here? Seriously, WTF"

Reality be like...

"LOL Kaleena. I will take away everything you love and make you deal with it while everyone else seems to have their life together and make you wonder what you are doing wrong"

Expectations be like...

"Good things will happen to you and you will know what you want and feel and you will figure things out."

All I know is... I'm going to Smiths after work. Buying a big-ass steak. Seasoning it with lemon pepper, chopped onions, garlic, and pepper. Grilling it to medium-rare and then eating it.

life is weird.

My life is really weird right now. I'm at a really confusing spot. 

Everything I thought I was sure of at one point has me confused. How can you trust your feelings if they can just disappear like that?

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between my old life and my new life and I'm still having a hard time letting go of the old and comfortably entering my new life.

I'm really happy with these new changes and I've been outside my comfort zone, but I still feel kind of lost... I don't have any direction and I don't know what I'm doing. But the thing is, if I had the choice to go back to my old life and everything that was once mine and my happy place, I don't know if I want that anymore. I think about my past a lot and I miss a lot of things, but I don't know if that means that's what I want or if it was because it was part of me for so long that it's my security blanket.

what i'm obsessed with.

My obessions come and go. How I work is I'm either 100% obsessed with something or I am 100% bored with it. Only sometimes will I be in between.

Right now I am obsessed with:

Cheesy potato soup.
Cooking new recipes.
Almond milk.
Naps.
Grapes.
Taking pictures.
This picture of a guy bench-pressing a goose:

The internet.
The Olympics.
Our new toothpaste.
Showers.


Right now I'm confused about:

Why is there a lady laying on her belly using her laptop in front of our building? Looks uncomfortable.

Why will my shins NEVER EVER EVER tan?

Why does the guy named Paul who lives on the other side of our building bug me so bad?