sunday is not a funday.

Who really believes Sunday is Sunday Funday?

I spend all of Sunday mentally and emotionally preparing for the next 5 bleak days in which I have to function in an office setting that I believe I was not cut out for.

 Is anybody happy in a 9-5 office setting? 

It's like a florescent tomb.

I feel a lot older than I actually am. 

If I feel this jaded at 26, 

I'm terrified to see what 40 feels like.

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear in my mouth...

If you know me or have ever known me, you know I'm not the same Kaleena I once was. Yeah, I still love music and going on long drives (especially on Sundays) and hate odd numbers. That stuff is the same. But apart from that, I'm not the same Kaleena I used to be.  I had my heart broken and my entire world as I knew it turned upside down a couple years ago. Reasons for me not being the same could be anything really... like just growing up, making new or losing old friends, getting my ass kicked by life. But if i'm being honest with you, I think it was having my heart broken into little tiny fragile pieces. A quote comes to mind...

In all our lives, there is a fall from innocence. A time after which, we are never the same

I think that sums it up. 

All of that is in the past. I'm still learning to let go even though I'm starting to believe that you never really let go or get over it, I'll just eventually learn to live with it in my own unique Kaleena way. What I need now is a place where I feel like I belong. To exist. Fit.  

The older I get, the more pressure I feel to have a "plan" or serious goals and to know exactly what I'm doing. And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what is best for me... I don't know what I will want in a year... I don't know if anybody does. Where are you supposed to go when your goals are vague like mine? To feel true happiness. To feel like I'm wanted. To feel like I'm doing the right thing. To feel like i'm experience a life that isn't routine and stale. To feel like I have a purpose.

When I close my eyes, I can feel some peace and clarity. I'm 25 years old, almost 26 in June and so far, I have felt some intense, special, amazing feelings and experiences that has given me the most valuable memories that will last my entire lifetime. 

Like feeling love:

Feeling love and loss:

Unforgettable friendship:

New friendships:

I don't think being confused, lost, scared, or feeling like a failure should be associated with bad.  That's apart of growing up. I think you need to feel those things and go through those things in order to grow as a person and learn about yourself. The best I can do is take steps towards what feels right for me and let everything fall into place. Because right now I feel like I have no direction and I feel lost and confused. 

brains, lol.

What my brain and memory choose to decides is beyond me. My brain won't remember who I told a story to so I will most likely tell that person the story two more times but my brain will remember a 15 digit alphanumeric password I see like once.
The thing with alphanumeric passwords or alphanumeric anything is don't.

I read this quote the other day that said "when you think of a memory, you aren't remembering that memory - you are thinking of the last time you thought of that memory."

What.

I get it kinda, but what?

A few very boring things that I am excited for!

1. I'm getting my hair done on April 4th at 6:00pm. That means a Friday night spent in a chair in a salon with tinfoil while I can feel my scalp burning - which is sign that you are becoming pretty. Right now my hair is 50/50. 50% dark blonde and 50% light blonde. Maybe I can dye the ends pink so my hair would like a Neapolitan ice cream tub. Jk.

I guess that's all. Do you think it's possible bunnies can get scared of ghosts or by their bunny imaginations? My bunny seemed really scared a few nights ago... he kept thumping which is a bunny's way of saying "OMG WTF" so I went over to comfort him. But in the back of my paranoid and insane brain, I think he saw something that freaked him. In reality, he was probably just grumpy.

possible coincidence... but i never really know.

Right now I'm laying on my bed, propped up on my three pillows piled in a corner, my knees up so my laptop is resting between them and my tummy and my cell phone is laying on my chest.

 It's not there for any particular reason.

 I just set it there. 

I think I checked the time or something. 

Now that I painted that image of me for you....

Today was a really great day. Not much more to say about it than just that.
It's really easy for me to have negative thoughts, feel sad, and be really tough on myself. I've been trying really hard lately (a literal every day struggle) to not think this way, be more positive, and give myself a break.

I read somewhere once, that if you smile first thing in the morning, you will have a wonderful day and be happier in general. I thought of that tidbit of absolute bull crap as I was driving to work (kinda late, oops) at about 8:40AM. So, I did this huge, cheesy, sarcastic smile. Almost like I was mocking that theory. It must have worked because I was in a good mood all day, I felt happier, and here I am laying in bed reflecting at how productive today felt. But the brain is a powerful thing.

Here are some sayings and things that have been stuck in my brain lately:

- The end is built into the beginning. (whenever I spell beginning, I want to spell it like "begininningnningnng because that's how it feels when I'm typing it, ugh)

-My mama always said you've got to put that past behind you before you can move on.

-One day you are just going to be a memory to someone, so make it a good one.

a wall of indifference - part I

Some days, everything feels like it's finally falling into place.
I finally have a job where I feel happy with what I'm doing. I enjoy my boss - despite the intimidation.
And importantly, I see it as a place where I can grow.
Not just a paycheck.
Not just staring at the clock diligently counting down until it's 6PM and I'm outta there.
I'm putting a lot of my effort into this job and I'm starting to see the benefits. It's rare, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be proud of myself.

This is utterly unrelated but last Saturday, I heard a crow cawing by the Taco Bell on 400 South. It really stuck with me because I never hear or see crows... especially in the city. But the strange thing is, the next day I saw a fake crow as a lawn/garden ornament thingy and it made me go "hmm"
TLDR; crows

So... back to how things are falling into place...
I've been in a dark, confusing place for so long.
A place where I don't feel like me and I don't know who I am.
A place where I'm afraid I don't remember what I used to be.
A place where I feel like I have been pretending like I'm okay with what has happened.
A place where I'm annoyed that nothing is every really black and white and there isn't anybody to explain the gray areas.

I've been in this place before. I'm not a tourist there... I'm one of the locals. I can tell you all about the place.

My brain thinks of how I got out of this place last time -- The next thing happened. And I let it happen with an open heart. The something that's missing from me getting out of this dark, lonely place is the "next thing" needs to happen. Except if it does, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to accept anything with an open heart. I've built a wall of indifference. I have carefully placed each brick to create my solid and tall wall of indifference so nobody can reach me. Now, the only person struggling with the wall is me.

when will i grow up....

When I was a little girl, I always thought I would be "grown up" by blank age. 

Be a certain person by blank age.

Have everything figured out.

But the more I grow up, the more I experience, the more I "learn"...

the more I realize I don't know CRAP about ANYTHING. 

The older I get, the more confused I feel. 

I think I'm growing up wrong.

The only advice I can offer to people is...
-Watch Breaking Bad.
-Anything bunny related.
-The best locations to get Mountain Dew deals (especially the limited edition ones).
-It's not a bad thing to ask for help.

And that's... about... it....

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have a magnifying glass that I play with and take pictures because they make the photos a little distorted and goofy. Is this the Pioneers version of the iPhoto Booth before it was invented?

today is one of those days where...

I'm having a bad hair day... just terrible. Why is my hair doing this? Fly aways but also looking really flat.

I'm having a bad outfit day... ugh.

I woke up wearing heavy boots... as Oskar Schell from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close would say. I felt like I was feeling every feeling there is to feel but exhausted and defeated where the most dominant.

The minutes are crawling by.

It reminded me of the Chuck Palahniuk quote: "“Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.” 

In conclusion... can this day be over yet?

i moved.

I moved again. From Cottonwood Heights to Downtown Salt Lake City. So this is my 4th place in the last 5 years. And I like it so far! 

My room is a dark, plum purple. Kind of looks like a bruise. I don't usually like the color purple, but I like it in this room. My other roommate has a puppy BASSET HOUND. He is adorable and that dog alone is worth the move.

I get a strange concept of home when I move.  All my things are the same, I'm the same, I do the same things, but why doesn't it feel the same? Home for me isn't an actual place anymore. I have a place that I keep all my things but I don't really have a home.

If there is no such thing as time, you're already there, and you're controlling this cycle. Problems of the future can be solved by mankind because you create them. And you have to believe in the future, it's what we have to do. We progress, we always progress - we try to.

Space is expanding; there are spirits coming from the center, right? We're going counterclockwise. There's supposed to be eight other universes going counterclockwise, and that's called Superuniverse, you know? And love's always been the message. It's just - circumstances happen, right? People freak out, just flat flip out, you know?

It's a negative force, coming in on a positive force, because it's a third dimension, right? And for it to solidify or to crystallize, it has to have both elements, right? And you have to keep it in balance, or it will, it will, it will, one of them will destroy the other...

these days.

These days,
I either feel everything at once
or
nothing at all.

I don't know what is worse.
Feeling like I'm drowning in feelings
or
being so thirsty for them I don't know who I am.

music is my boyfriend.

Remember how stupid that one song was where music was everything to her? I always hated that song. But it somehow ended up as the title of this post.

I need to be honest. Because I am professional at portraying myself one way when I’m really suffering.
I’m not happy with myself. I don’t mean unhappy with my hair, clothes, personality, skills, etc. I know I have a lot of things to be happy with like my health, job, family, home, etc. But at the end of the day, I’m not proud or content with where I’m at at this point in my life. I am 23 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything major besides graduating high school. I haven’t taken any big risks or chances. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla, standard life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any crazy stories or nights under my belt, or that I’ve never done anything wild… but part of me is happy with my decisions. I’m still so young that it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” or if I even want to get married (some days I dream of it, some days I swear I will never be somebody’s anything). But what makes me worry is I don’t think I’m ever going to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m afraid I’m never going to be really great at something that will allow me to accomplish anything great or huge. I want to create oppourtunities and live a life that would get a “based on a true story” movie made after it.

If the world was “Arrested Development” my life would be Ann. Ann-Hog. Egg.

Once apon a time when I was 18 and single, I was really happy with what I had going for me. I was discovering the “real world” after high-school. The life that was outside of Taylorsville High School and my friend’s basement. I had a full-time job (1pm-9pm), making new friends, staying up/out late, planning all the tattoos I would get, reading new genres of books, questioning things more, starting to rely on me to support myself instead of my parents. I really grew up and I was happy because I was doing things I had never done before and I was learning about what I enjoyed. It’s amazing how much you don’t know about yourself when you do the same routine every day.

Some people have a plan of what they want to acheive or have by blank age. I want to have a very loose plan that will still give me structure but will allow me to be spontaneous. I don’t care if I end up married with kids or single and owning a boutique in the city… all I want is to live a life that I am proud of at the end of the day and that makes me happy when I’m falling asleep.

thankful.

As much as I love the holidays and everything that comes with them,

(decorations, music, food, traditions)

part of me really doesn't like the holidays at all.

They kind of depress me. They always make me feel a little lonely.

 

I remember when I was about... 6 or 7(?)

It was around Christmas time and I just got done helping my mom stuff envelopes with Chirstmas cards. I went over to the window after to see the snow fall and I remember feeling really, really sad to the point where I almost cried.

I felt this way because as I watched the snow fall, I remember thinking and worrying about all the families who didn't have shelter or all the people who didn't have a family... basically everyone who wasn't fortunate enough to have a loving family and a warm place to live and sleep.

 

I have no idea why this was such a worry of mine when I was 6/7 aroud Christmas time haha I guess I've alway been a worrier.

 

To this day, those same thoughts I had that night still come up every holiday and make me sad. We donated some stuff to the Road Home last Christmas and was great to help all the homeless people in need. So this year I'm planning on doing a "Sub for Santa" and as much help I can so I can at least enjoy the holiday season without feeling sad for the less fortunate.

 

So even though the holidays can be stressful and busy... I am thankful for them because it reminds me to really put my own life, wants/needs, problems, etc into perspective and that it's not always about what you DON'T have, it's you need to be thankful for what you DO have.

remember to always be yourself. unless you suck.

I really like individuality.
I like to see how different people choose to express themselves.
This is why I love to people watch.
You get to see so many people who are so alike as humans but who are all different as individuals.


I've always said that I don't want to marry my "soul mate"
Because I don't want to spend my life with someone who is exactly like me.
That would boring as fuh.
I want someone who is like me enough to where we get along but different so it's still always interesting and exciting.

With the Presidential debates and voting going on, it can be frustrating and ANNOYING to see all the different opinions being spit around.  Especially when some come off as ignorant and offensive. As frustrating as it is, I really enjoy it. I love to see the way people care about these issues, even though they are different than my own.

I am a Moderate... but I do find myself agreeing more with the Democrats. That doesn't mean I don't find some of the Conservative points appealing. I keep an open mind to everything. So that's why I love having friends who don't agree with everything I like or enjoy, it keeps things fun.

So I love all my friends who are democrat, republican, sport fans, not sport fans, boys, girls, hipsters, idiots, religious, not religious. You get the picture. Having such a variety of opinions in your life can also introduce you to ideas and thoughts you never would have if you were only surrounded my people who were just like you.

And that's why I like to always express myself in my own way. I need to be my own individual to keep things interesting for everyone else around me.

 

some thoughts on some movies.

Forrest Gump: This is on my top 3 favorite movies, so I have little to complain about. The one and only thing I have to complain about this movie is Jenny. Each time I watch this movie, I hate Jenny just a little bit more. She doesn't deserve Forrest Gump and I really hate how she just comes in and out of his life as she pleases. I don't care that she wrote him a lot of letters that got delievered to him all at once when he was in the hospital trying to give Lt. Dan ice cream. She turns down his sweet proposal, sneaks into his room at night, bounces before he wakes up and leaves him all alone. Then she has a child, apparently has AIDS (even though it doesn't say it in the movie, it hints at it) and then proposes to sweet Forrest after she finds out she is sick with a virus the doctors don't know. I connected the dots the other day and realized that if she has AIDS, she gave it to Forrest. Ugh. I hate her. Don't even get me started when she is dying in bed and asks Forrest if he was scared in 'Nam and he goes through all the beautiful things of his life and she says, "I wish I could have been there with you." and sweet, loving Forrest says, "You were." MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME. Then that is followed by the saddest scene in any movie. When he is talking to her grave. I have to stop talking before I cry.

(500) Days of Summer: Summer is another character I hate. I have a lot of feelings on her and the movie... but I will just end it with I hate Summer and she is a tease. I mean, yeah, she did make her intentions clear she wanted "casual" but at the same time she led him on and she knew it cause she is a mean girl. But I'm probably just feeling this way because I am totally a Tom while some people who are Summer agree with Summer. I love debating this movie, so please comment if you agree/disagree.

The Little Mermaid: My youth was heavily influenced by this movie. I stole a fork from the silverware drawer and made it my own dinglehopper. I pretended I was Ariel every time I took a bath. And yes, Prince Eric was my first on-screen crush and every time I watch Little Mermaid to this day I totally see why. Yes, please.

Shaun of the Dead: Obviously on my top three. Another one with no complaints. But I do think Shaun can do better than Liz and it was a blessing that she broke up with him. She seemed whiney and like a complainer who was hard to please. He could find someone cooler who would actually enjoy spending all their time together at the Winchester. Like me! Very disappointed they got back together.

This is part I. Part II coming... someday.

sometimes.

Sometimes you never get used to it and you just have to live with it.

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself to deal with it.

And sometimes when you are okay with dealing with it,

it all finally gets better.

And you find you had the courage all along.

this is how we do it!

Well, I am obsessed with Red Bull. Sugar free, of course. You can't even tell there isn't any sugar in it because it's just sooooo delicious. I would drink this stuff even if it wasn't designed to make me want to clean the whole world... yeah it gives me THAT much energy. And I need energy these days because I am a 23 year old now and I don't just have all the energy I need when I wake up.

 

What I've learned from drinking Red Bull is to never drink it on an empty belly or have more than one in less than an hour. This will result in some extreme jitters, bouncing in your seat, not being able to stay seated. But I've been pro-Red Bull for about 6-7 years now. I'm no rookie.

Anyway.

I think a change is coming here soon. I think I might end this blog... and start a new one directly where this one left off. I have come to this conclusion because my life was at an entirely different place when I first started Just Add Kaleena. That beautiful chapter of my life is over and I'm on to the next chapter. So with that in mind, I think it will be a little fitting to start a new blog... but at the same time it would probably be best to just keep it all here and in one place... so when I'm an old lady and I have my grandchildren over cause I'm their babysitter, I can ask them how to turn the computer on and they will be like "Grandmaaaa! We showed you yesterday!" and then I will be like "Well okay, just one more time." And then they will boot the computer and they will sit all around me and on my lap and I will read with them my old blog posts and they will probably hate it and think it's boring but I will make them read it anyway.

So now that I just typed all that out, I just decided I will keep it all here. I've been reading about other blogs lately and it has completely re-inspired to me to start blogging more consistantly again. And i'm excited to.

So chapter two of Just Add Kaleena... STARTS NOW! (Please keep your expectations very low. Keep in mind it's still the crazy, emotional, boring author).

scared.

Whenever I am going through a bad time in my life or just a bad day, it seems like it will never end. I get the feeling that I'm doomed for it to be that way forever. When this happens I always forget to remind myself that everything eventually passes and everything works out somehow.

I'm not proud or happy with how I've dealt with my problems this last year... mostly meaning the breakup with me and Steve. (ugh, I still hate typing that out). I completely allowed myself to fall apart and let time freeze. I know when something that traumatic happens, you should let yourself fall apart (at some level) so you can experience the pain, accept it and move on. But I pretty much just would fall apart and not want to get on with my life.

Don't get me wrong, I have been going on lots of dates and have even "liked" guys since then and still living my life. But some days the teeniest tiniest thing would happen, mostly me finding an old movie stub or picture, and I would fall apart. I'm really mad at myself for being that weak.

I'm not scared to move on from the chapter in my life where Steve and I were a couple... the thing that makes it seem impossible is our history and the memories. It's scary not knowing what is going to happen but maybe that is something that I should be excited about.

I need to change my mentality from here on out. From now on I won't allow myself to get lost in our past and "what ifs." I need to only look forward and only worry about the things that I have complete control over.

i hate when i confuse myself.

Hi.

I went on a date tonight. It was really fun! I have already been out with him like 4 times... I mentioned him on here before. Anyway, it was fun. We went to City Creek Mall (an outdoor-ish mall) and people watched and guessed people's names. We are pro at people watching and he thinks I am gifted when it comes to guessing names. I don't want to brag but I am pretty great at guessing names.

I feel good about it. There is still a lot I need to think about... not just about me and him but mostly what I even want. I've lived life with and without a boyfriend... they both have their ups and I think for the time being I am really okay with the life without a boyfriend. When you are in a relationship for so long... you kind of lose your "own" identity because you are so used to being as one with your spouse; doing EVERYTHING together. I want to get to know myself again because sometimes I even surprise myself with the things I like or no longer like. And sometimes when I sit down and have a good think about the things I do and do not want (not just in a person but in life) things get confusing and I end up not really knowing what I want. Ugh. It's kind of hard to know what you want from someone else when you don't really know what you want in life. Does that make sense? Probably not. But welcome to my head.

hahaha.

Nothing is funny. I just didn't know how to start this off.  I want to clean the kitchen and tidy up a bit around here but I know that's now gonna happen right now so I'll just blog.

Right now I am going to talk about marriage. I am nowhere near marriage and have no experience in the marriage department... so what better person to discuss it, right? Ha ha I am dumb. So here goes...

My view on marriage is really simple. I think people should marry the person they love when the time is right for them. I really dislike how society and the media portrays marriage these days. They make it seem like once you get married your life is over and the unhappiness begins and it will end in divorce anyway. Hearing people say this just breaks my hopeless romantic heart.

Pretty much, I think your marriage is what you put into it. If you want a happy, loving, exciting marriage then you are going to have to put that exact effort into it. But if you think marriage is the end of your "life" and nothing great happens after you are married, then that will probably happen and you shouldn't be getting married. I understand that some marriages have really tough issues that have no other choice but to be resolved by divorce but I don't like hearing people talking as if divorce these days are inevitable. Relationships aren't 50/50, they are 100/100. Relationships are hard work and require a daily effort, as long as both people in the relationship are willing to put in that effort, it can be a happily ever after.

As for the people who think "life is over" once you say "I do" is just ridiculous. You have control over what you do in your life and in your free time and in the marriage/relationship. If you still want to do fun things after you are married then do them. Marriage doesn't have to be "yours" and "mine", it is about compromise and making things work.

Again, I have no experience in this stuff, these are just my thoughts. Just please don't tell me that marriage is useless and you will just get a divorce anyway. It will make me cry.

pizza parties!

In sad news: I have not attended or have been invited to a pizza party since probably the 4th grade. But I was thinking today of how awesome and exciting pizza parties were/are. When you would be sitting in class and then the teacher would walk in with 3-4 boxes of pizza... that is the universal sign that the pizza party has officially begun and we would all go into a pizza crazed frenzy.

I think I am going to start throwing more pizza parties. It's not going to be just a thing for elementary students who behaved well for a whole week.