I'm not the type that is super into setting resolutions... cause to me I feel I can set a goal like that any time of the year and start working on it then. It's real simple for me to talk like that since i'm the laziest and biggest procrastinator ever! Ha.
But really.
Instead of "resolutions" I kind of choose themes or tones I want for my year. For example, 2015 I made as the year I would grow up. With that, I choose goals that help me achieve that. Good news is, 2015 really was the year I grew up. Both through experiences and the way I handled them and the mentality I kept on a daily basis. And dumb crap like actually making my bed or setting a day for laundry instead of only when I'm out of clothes. I spent a lot of time looking back at myself and my life in 2015 and I really did grow up because I realized, not only was I no longer that person anymore, but I saw how juvenile I was in my thinking and actions and learned from it.
Truth is, age and a way to "act" you age is all subjective to me. Does making a bed REALLY make you a grown up/adult and prove you are 25? Not really, but I guess you could say "making my bed" is a metaphor for the way I wanted to treat everything and every situation in my life. Big or small.
The tone I want to set for 2016 is: to be myself.
I've never been able to be myself. Mostly cause I don't know myself. Have you ever thought about if you actually KNOW KNOW yourself? It seem like anybody obviously would since... duh... you are with yourself always. But truthfully, knowing yourself, can be one of the hardest things to do. You are always changing, always learning, always lost. I want to be able to act and speak from my heart and not feel insecure about it.
On top of that, I never feel comfortable being myself unless I trust who I'm around or know them on a deep level. I kind of trap myself in that way. I'm insecure so allowing myself to be vulnerable and being my true self makes me feel like the equivalent to that classic nightmare of waking up on a stage with the spot light on you and you only have your underwear.
I want to truly know myself. I want to be myself and not care what someone might think or what someone might assume. Expressing yourself is one of the most honest and most pure thing you can offer the world. I feel insecure of being myself because I feel different than everyone I'm around. Before I say or do anything, in my head, I've already analyzed from 5 different perspectives how it could be dumb, not funny, cringe, useless, etc. It's annoying.
Some things I think will allow me to be myself is to be around people I feel "get" me and are like me. I've had friends who made me feel stupid for liking what I like or saying what was on my mind. That feeling is hell.
I also want to set some time aside to really discover and digest new music. I have this habit of finding favorites and eating it up until it's just words.
These are just some thoughts for now.
3 comments:
Happy new year, Kaleena! I think I've always known this but you and I have a lot in common in terms of struggles. What you said definitely rings a bell over here... I want to be myself with others, but I don't necessarily don't know what "myself" is. Still trying to figure that out. Baby steps :)
Anyway, the real reason for my comment is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZm4B4foybM
I listened to this video a few days ago and it was pretty inspiring. I hope you get some use out of it :)
Hey thanks Whitney! I had no idea you still read here! Haha i'm glad you do though and i'm glad you commented. :) Sometimes it's comforting enough to know someone can't "fix" your struggles but can empathize with them. I've already watched the first 15 minutes of this video and I can tell it will be of great use for me in helping me reach my goal.
Happy new year! Hope you are doing well.
Haha I just subscribe to your blog in my feedly...It's been in my blog roll for forever. I'm glad that the video is helping. I think you're right, it's nice to know that others are going through the same struggles. By the way, are you or have you thought about seeing a therapist? I don't need to know but I just had my second visit today and I've felt really good about just talking about my problems with him and hearing what he has to say. Today he also recommended the book The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. I'm listening to it through audible right now and I'm liking it so far. It's basically my homework so we'll see haha but I think it could also be helpful for you since it's all about loving and accepting yourself and being authentic and courageous :)
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