2016: day 7

I'm not the type that is super into setting resolutions... cause to me I feel I can set a goal like that any time of the year and start working on it then. It's real simple for me to talk like that since i'm the laziest and biggest procrastinator ever! Ha. 

But really.

Instead of "resolutions" I kind of choose themes or tones I want for my year. For example, 2015 I made as the year I would grow up. With that, I choose goals that help me achieve that.  Good news is, 2015 really was the year I grew up. Both through experiences and the way I handled them and the mentality I kept on a daily basis. And dumb crap like actually making my bed or setting a day for laundry instead of only when I'm out of clothes. I spent a lot of time looking back at myself and my life in 2015 and I really did grow up because I realized, not only was I no longer that person anymore, but I saw how juvenile I was in my thinking and actions and learned from it. 

Truth is, age and a way to "act" you age is all subjective to me. Does making a bed REALLY make you a grown up/adult and prove you are 25? Not really, but I guess you could say "making my bed" is a metaphor for the way I wanted to treat everything and every situation in my life. Big or small. 

The tone I want to set for 2016 is: to be myself. 

I've never been able to be myself. Mostly cause I don't know myself. Have you ever thought about if you actually KNOW KNOW yourself? It seem like anybody obviously would since... duh... you are with yourself always. But truthfully, knowing yourself, can be one of the hardest things to do. You are always changing, always learning, always lost. I want to be able to act and speak from my heart and not feel insecure about it. 

On top of that, I never feel comfortable being myself unless I trust who I'm around or know them on a deep level. I kind of trap myself in that way. I'm insecure so allowing myself to be vulnerable and being my true self makes me feel like the equivalent to that classic nightmare of waking up on a stage with the spot light on you and you only have your underwear. 

I want to truly know myself. I want to be myself and not care what someone might think or what someone might assume. Expressing yourself is one of the most honest and most pure thing you can offer the world. I feel insecure of being myself because I feel different than everyone I'm around. Before I say or do anything, in my head, I've already analyzed from 5 different perspectives how it could be dumb, not funny, cringe, useless, etc. It's annoying. 

Some things I think will allow me to be myself is to be around people I feel "get" me and are like me. I've had friends who made me feel stupid for liking what I like or saying what was on my mind. That feeling is hell. 

I also want to set some time aside to really discover and digest new music. I have this habit of finding favorites and eating it up until it's just words. 

These are just some thoughts for now. 

the beginning. again.

Well... here I am. 

The first post on this new laptop machine. 

I joked that it's basically an expensive Netflix/Reddit machine.

I'm really looking forward to having this so it can enable more active blogging

and my constant need to let out my thoughts and inner energies somewhere.

It will be good for me.

And you, too if you are in to reading about 

someones thoughts, feelings, confusions, wants, etc.

basically, i suck.

WOO! My first post as a 24 year old. YEAAAHH!! WELL ALRIGHT!

Aaaand it feels the exact same as it did when I was 23... and 22... and 21... and OMG, have I had this thing for that long? Well allow me to shout "wowzers bowzers!" at that news because it sure hasn't seemed like that long.

I have some serious regret going on right now that I haven't been writing more on here during these last few months. These have been some crucial months for me where I have grown and learned so much about myself and life. Everything I once thought I knew, isn't. And everything I once felt, can't. And everything I once thought I wanted, won't. Did that make sense?

OH! Two nights ago, my friend Kylee told me I had really good word choice to explain feelings and how things are or feel. And that made me feel great because for some reason that is a huge compliment for me.

Some events of my life these last few months:

-Had a birthday that ended with me turning 24. Wat.
-Met JOHN DENSMORE of the DOORS. I was talking to and  standing by someone Jim Morrison once did and it was amazing. I love the Doors. Best band ever and that's just a fact.
-Bunny was checked into the vet to be hospitalized because he was sick. :( it was some sad and scary times but he recovered and is back to being sassy and cute.
-Became addicted to VINE. I basically open that app and LOL forever. And luckily, my roommate/friend is addicted to it too so when I find a really funny one, I run into her room and show her and LOL together. But It also makes me feel highly uncreative.
-Learning how hard it is to be responsible and making enough money to make ends meet. Sheesh, money is stressful sometimes. Ugh.

I will be here more now to explain more about how I've grown and the lessons I've learned. I need these hard times because without them you can't learn anything or grow. You don't learn anything from happiness and peace. At least I don't anyway.