2018: the year blogging Kaleena will be back! I hope...

One of my internet friends that I actually made through this blog, Callie, actually inspired me to get back on my regular blogging. 

I decided it will never turn back into a consistent daily blog if I keep just saying that it will depending on my mood. I figured it I want to start it more consistent again, I will plan in advance so I can be more prepared and prep for it. So I will shoot for that at the start of January 2018. 

I have changed so much since I first began this blog. It seems like many lifetimes ago. But that's what life is all about. This chapter of Kaleena is a lot different than before but to me, that's a very good thing. 

The old Kaleena writing this blog was a lot more weak and impressionable. She found her identity in the shadows for how people made her feel. I hate that about my old self. Giving up everything to make other people happy - that can be a good trait, but I was doing it to be liked, not to be selfless. The thing I've learned and found joy in as I've gotten older is that no matter how many times you hit "rock bottom" with yourself -  failure, depression, disappointment, bad choices, wrong turns, all that is doing is softly giving you or guiding you to something better for you. It always seems like that's the end when really it's just the seed that is planting your new tree or garden. I find extreme comfort in that. 

Stay tuned.

in my ears: mars water

Hellooo. What up. How's it going. Hi. Yo. Goodnight. Good morning. I don't know where you are. Etc.

I have a pretty wide music selection, I keep an open mind but I'm also very picky in the type of sound and lyrics I like. Since i'm working on expanding it even farther, even in terms of methods of digesting new albums, I decided to keep track of new favorites or my newest find as I listen to form an opinion. Give it possible rating. For two reasons.

1. It will make me stick to my goal.
2. If you like music or are looking for suggestions, you can give it a listen.

I can't think of  a  title for this feature. It's 2AM and I keep zoning out when I look off to think. Best I got is : IN MY EARS.

That's subject to change. It's lame but it needs a name so I can set it in motion.

In My Ears VOLUME 1
Band: Mars Water
Album: Here We Are
Favorite song: Where the Sun Sets

2016: day 7

I'm not the type that is super into setting resolutions... cause to me I feel I can set a goal like that any time of the year and start working on it then. It's real simple for me to talk like that since i'm the laziest and biggest procrastinator ever! Ha. 

But really.

Instead of "resolutions" I kind of choose themes or tones I want for my year. For example, 2015 I made as the year I would grow up. With that, I choose goals that help me achieve that.  Good news is, 2015 really was the year I grew up. Both through experiences and the way I handled them and the mentality I kept on a daily basis. And dumb crap like actually making my bed or setting a day for laundry instead of only when I'm out of clothes. I spent a lot of time looking back at myself and my life in 2015 and I really did grow up because I realized, not only was I no longer that person anymore, but I saw how juvenile I was in my thinking and actions and learned from it. 

Truth is, age and a way to "act" you age is all subjective to me. Does making a bed REALLY make you a grown up/adult and prove you are 25? Not really, but I guess you could say "making my bed" is a metaphor for the way I wanted to treat everything and every situation in my life. Big or small. 

The tone I want to set for 2016 is: to be myself. 

I've never been able to be myself. Mostly cause I don't know myself. Have you ever thought about if you actually KNOW KNOW yourself? It seem like anybody obviously would since... duh... you are with yourself always. But truthfully, knowing yourself, can be one of the hardest things to do. You are always changing, always learning, always lost. I want to be able to act and speak from my heart and not feel insecure about it. 

On top of that, I never feel comfortable being myself unless I trust who I'm around or know them on a deep level. I kind of trap myself in that way. I'm insecure so allowing myself to be vulnerable and being my true self makes me feel like the equivalent to that classic nightmare of waking up on a stage with the spot light on you and you only have your underwear. 

I want to truly know myself. I want to be myself and not care what someone might think or what someone might assume. Expressing yourself is one of the most honest and most pure thing you can offer the world. I feel insecure of being myself because I feel different than everyone I'm around. Before I say or do anything, in my head, I've already analyzed from 5 different perspectives how it could be dumb, not funny, cringe, useless, etc. It's annoying. 

Some things I think will allow me to be myself is to be around people I feel "get" me and are like me. I've had friends who made me feel stupid for liking what I like or saying what was on my mind. That feeling is hell. 

I also want to set some time aside to really discover and digest new music. I have this habit of finding favorites and eating it up until it's just words. 

These are just some thoughts for now. 

2015 : the year i will grow up

I've officially named 2015 as the year I will grow up.

I came to this conclusion when I decided I want to face a lot of my fears (because as badass as I think I am, I am pretty afraid of a lot of things) and one of my biggest fears as finally moving on and growing up... Being mature and an adult. Things that have never sounded enjoyable and that I've dodged for a long time.

With that being said, here are all my resolutions. Big and small.

1. Save money.

2. Use more of my nail polishes besides only the black, dark purple, dark maroon and gray. I have about a bajillion nail polish colors in all sorts of shades and colors, I want to use them more. Besides the pinks. Because ew.

3. Take more pictures.

4. Use my cameras more... even if I don't know what I'm doing. Document the learning process.

5. Let people and existing friends come to me instead of doing all the chasing. I spent 2014.. and almost every year for that matter... putting in the one-sided effort with people and friendships. Friendships are something really precious and fragile to me. I am the one always calling to keep in touch. I am always the one trying to make plans. I am always the one cherishing every lasting memory as I see it getting further and further away from me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done. If people and friends want to see me or keep in touch, they can do it and know where to find me. I'm done chasing people.

6. Finally put my past behind me.

7. Try and see how change is a positive thing.

8. Take a cross country road trip with my friends.

9. Do the things that scare me most.

10. Get that Deja Entendu tattoo on my forearm

11. Get some piercings. Possibly a septum piercing.

12. Think positive thoughts.

This is the year I will be a new Kaleena.
This is the year I will grow up.

a list because... just because.

Here is a list of mini goals I am making for myself. Mostly for this blog and a few just because I need some goals. And because I used to posts lists here daily and I should bring that back. Should I make a list on why I need to make more lists? Haha no, okay.


My list of goals:

1. Don't be afraid of the dark.
2. Stop calling your friends in the middle of the night because you are scared of the dark and are 100% sure you heard something in the hallway.
3. Grow up. (see #1 and #2)
4. Bring back "bits of my weekend"
5. Take pictures for "bits of my weekend"
6. Go for a walk around the lake once a day. Either morning or night.
7. Don't focus on the past. It's okay to remember the good things from my past and smile and treasure them, but I can't keep dwelling.
8. Use my cameras more.
9. Find that idiot who broke into my car and stole my camera and aux cord and beat him up. Or just get my things back.
10. Stop comparing my life to others. It makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong when I'm not. I like where I'm at right now.
11. Clean out my closet and get rid of the clothes I have sentimental value with. Well, I can only keep a few with the sentimental value... it's not necessarily hoarding. I just like to keep the memory on them.
12. Start my wall of clocks.


That's it for now. 

back from NYC... for now...

I am back. Have been back since Sunday night. And meh. 

I've never hated Utah, ya know? I've always liked it here. 

It's home. 

But after experiencing New York, even for just four days, that's all I needed to know Utah isn't where I belong. 

New York is obviously one of the most popular and amazing cities in the world, but as soon as I got there, I felt like that's where I belonged. 

It kind of felt like I was arriving back home even though I've never been.

I sat in the middle seat on the flight to New York. Alysha asleep to my left (by the window) and the old man in dad jeans who told me to elbow him if he started snoring, asleep on my right. I was listening to my iPod and I looked over out the window and I started to see countless shimmery lights all aligned in a grid. I will never in my life forget the way I felt when I saw the New York lights/skyline from the plane for the first time. I guess it felt like I felt every good emotion in a burst and my skin was holding them back to where my heart felt very full. 

Just walking down any street in New York, there is a lot to take in. I was constantly looking up and the building or observing the faces on the people I passed or looking for places that Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, and Lou Reed might have once been (kidding, but just little). But I feel like I didn't take it all in as much as I wanted because there was so much going on. I don't have any words to explain how I much I enjoyed New York and I guess that's why I'm a shitty writer. But those short four days in New York changed my life and I will go back. And I will live there.

I miss it. 

I missed New York before I even left.

three in one.

You know my head is especially noisy today when I post THREE times on here. My head feels like a TV today... it feels like there are many channels playing at once up there. Some are more clearer and louder than others and some are still fuzzy and I'm trying to see what's beyond the fuzz. My head is flipping through the channels and I'm just trying to see what it all means or is trying to say.

Utah.

I really love Utah. It's such a pretty place with so much variety. We have the (tiny) city, the mountains, the lakes, the desert, the suburban areas, the rural areas. I've never hated Utah.. besides the lame rules of everything basically being closed on Sunday or closing early. But lately, I feel like I have outgrown Utah. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. Is this just normal for a 24 year old? Or do I really not belong here anymore? I picture myself living somewhere like Seattle or New York. I've always adored San Fransisco but I can't see myself living there. And since right now I eat things like Ramen and Mac & Cheese, living in those cities are both very unrealistic but I feel a pull towards those cities and I want to make it a reality.

I want to live in an apartment where I can walk downstairs, step out and I'll immediately  be apart of the people of the city. Or where I can walk to anywhere I need to be. I don't really have much here in Utah so I won't be leaving anything behind and I would love a fresh start.

So that's my new goal. Work hard and save up to move to either Seattle or New York.

Anywhere but here.

getting [kind of] better.

One of my new year's resolutions was to be better at cleaning... not just hurrying and cleaning and hiding stuff because I found out people were coming over in less than an hour. But in all honesty, nothing gets a home cleaner faster or more thorough then when you find out you will have guests on short notice.

So far, success! It is only February, but right now, it looks like we are waiting for people to come over and we definitely are not. Every time I have to type out d-e-f-i-n-i-t-e-l-y I really just hate the freakin' word. I've learned, cleaning is kind of a habit, not just a chore. But I still will hate nothing more than having to do the dishes. We don't have a dishwasher. Actually we do have a dishwasher, and she is typing this right now. Can your dishwasher blog too? CAN IT?

I'm exhausted. Couldn't wait til I got home so I could nap. But that really annoying thing happened where you are tired all day and then you get home and feel like you've been on doing speed all day. Is there a word for that? Because I hate it. I laid in bed for an hour trying to get into sleep mode. Stared at the ceiling. Tried to spot "look-a-like" things in the ceiling moldings (only found a duck, Conan O'Brian, and a bottle). Looked at the Christmas lights draped around my window. Decided if I should take a picture of how pretty they made my room look. Didn't take a picture. Thought, eff this nap, I'm getting on the computer.


---
If you are terrible at cooking like you know I am, click on this link. It will make you feel LOTS better. And you'll laugh and say "what the..."

http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelysanders/people-worse-at-cooking-than-you-food-fails

i'm not ready...........

........ to go back to work tomorrow after I have had AN ENTIRE WEEK OFF.

But good news is, I know I will be very productive. Whenever I have mass amounts of time off, I'm efficient and productive... for like a week. Ha. Also, I have some new music on my iPod, so I'm excited to listen to it at work tomorrow. I have some Lumineers, CAKE, Killers, Bill Withers, Reel Big Fish, Walk Off the Earth. And oh yes, I will be listening to them all.

My goals/resolutions are this:

1. Stand out at work.
2. Be better at cleaning... (not waiting til the last minute to clean and keep things tidy every day)
3. Keep a regular schedule at the gym.
4. Get more sleep.
5. Focus on the future.
6. Don't waste time worrying or on things that bring me down.

This was my first post of 2013 and I made it as lame as possible. AND I didn't even do my annual tradition of saying all the new words that nobody in the world has probably said yet. I must be getting old. 

the troubles of cooking.

Will there ever be a day where I won't burn whatever I'm attempting to cook in the kitchen?

Will there ever be a day when I won't have to buy a backup dinner in case the one I'm making doesn't work?

Ugh. I am trying so hard to be better at cooking. I follow the freaking recipe (how hard can it be?) and it never turns out. I can make really good easy dinners but I want to get where I can make a ballin' Sunday dinner that people will be saddened to find out there aren't seconds.

I am this close to giving up. My self esteem (in the kitchen) can't handle it anymore.

Basically my kitchen when I'm done cooking:

this week.....

This week..... I will work my bum off at work.

This week..... I will go back to the gym. I think my two month break needs to end.

This week..... I will wake up at 7AM.

This week..... I will be positive.

This week..... I will remember not to worry about things I can't control.

This week..... I will start to put my Halloween costume together.

This week...... I will continue to love my lil lover bum bunny.

going on week 5.

This week will be WEEK 5 that I have not eaten any fast food or partaken in a delicious Mountain Dew... or any pop for that matter. I only drink (sugar free) Red Bull. And it is heaven. I tried finding an address or email address for the Red Bull headquarters to see if they could hook me up for how much I advertise for them... but no luck.

So.

This week:

+I will get to work at 8AM instead of 9:30AM so I can get more $$$

+I will continue to not eat only boring, healthy food. Waaahh.

+I will have dinner at my Grandma's on Tuesday. (I think)

+I will keep clothes off my floor... and everything off the floor. (a quick Wikipedia read on Brown Recluse spiders now has me paranoid on having anything on the floor. Spiders love that shi).

Cheers!

Oh and I took this picture tonight. Seriously, what a wonderful world.

third month of the year.

It has been.... 60 days since I've consumed a Mountain Dew.

In translation: the last 60 days have been bleak and bland and I'm not sure how I have survived them. Sad times.

Anyway.

It's March now. In all honesty, it seems like it was just barely March. As in March 2011. Time keeps going by faster and faster and I think that is my first sign I am getting old.

Here are some goals I am setting for this month:
-Keep not drinking Mountain Dew. Ugh.
-Take more pictures.
-Go to the gym so I can look like a Victoria Secret model. Right now I am probably passing as a Kmart catalog model.
-Come up with some goals that aren't so cliche.

Cheers!

a weekend only an introvert would love.

This weekend I was in bed by ten each night. (but this meant, I woke up at 4am - 5am).

This weekend I baked red velvet cupcakes. That means I ate more of the batter leaving little for baking into cupcakes.

This weekend I felt so tired and burnt out, all I wanted was to just stay home.

This week:

1. I am going to the city library. I was there on Saturday to get my new library card since mine somehow keeps getting stolen. I noticed it was a prime place for people watching.
2. I want to get to work at 8am instead of 9am. Just cause.
3. I want crab legs for dinner.
4. I'm going to resist getting on Facebook. It has been making me berserk every time I check it. People are idiots.

And dude. I'm no beauty blogger (in fact, I don't really know what kind of blogger I am) but this new mascara is my hero. I usually have to change to a new mascara every two or three months cause it just doesn't do the trick anymore. But this one is the best mascara I've ever used in my makeup wearing career. It is Revlon 3D Volume Mascara.

adventures in grocery shopping when are trying to be kind of healthy.

Earlier this week I decided I wanted to start eating better. I don't eat that bad as of right now but there is always room to cut back on fast food. And plus, summer will be here before my thighs and bum know it; I don't want to be caught awkwardly lurking by the pool covered in my towel trying to distract everyone at the pool by yelling, "is that a dog driving a convertible over there?!?!" ...so I can hurry and get in without anyone watching.

I don't do well up against temptation. Meaning I typically cave pretty easy. Besides, self control is clearly overrated. So everyone should be proud that I resisted buying my beloved Mountain Dew. I resisted picking out a candy out of the candy aisle to snack on on the drive home like I usually do. I was buying fruits and vegetables instead of  treats. To show you how little I associate myself with vegetables, it took me four times before I spelled it correctly.

Anyway, I am off to a good start and I am proud at how well I held up against all the temptations the grocery store had to offer. For now...

Yay.

reasons to be kind of excited for 2012.

As much as I wish 2011 didn't have to happen, it did. And as much as I'm hoping 2012 will be 1000000X's better than 2011, I know it will still have its bad times and things I already hate about it.

BUT.

Here are some goals of mine for 2012 that are making me excited.

+ I am going to learn a new word every day.
+I will stop the bad habit of picking my split ends.
+I will really try a tomato on a burger.
+I will drink more water than pop.
+I will take pictures of something everyday.
+Use my Instax and Diana F+ cameras more.
+Wake up on time... in other words... not hit snooze so many times AFTER I'm supposed to be up.
+Make more time to read after work.
+Make more crafts.
+Branch outside my comfort zone.
+Carry a mini notepad in my purse to write stuff on and draw on.
+Save money.
+Be better at texting back and answering my phone.
+Think of better resolutions.
+Eat more fruit.

Aaaaaaaand...

Another reason to be excited for 2012 is because my 2nd favorite book, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is coming out in theaters on January 20th, 2011.

And ANOTHER reason to be excited for 2012 is because Beauty and the Beast will be playing in theaters in mid January! Sorry I don't have the exact date. I am too excited to remember it.

this and that.

It's official. I've become the type of blogger that I hate. The kind of blogger that isn't a regular poster and when they do blog, it's not sincere or lacking depth. Those are the perfect ingredients for a poorly kept blog, in my opinion. I do apologize and this stops now! To be honest, I think it's what has been going on (or not going on, i suppose) in my life that is responsible for this nonsense.

Anyway, some highlights of this weekend were:

-Getting locked out of the apartment at 11:30pm
-Watching Utah get beat by Washington State.
-Running into a long lost friend/crush/person on Saturday night after the game. We both did double takes. It was pure magic.
-Worked until 7:30pm on Friday night. I usually only work til 5:00pm.
-Made some homemade salsa. If you want tips on how to make salsa NOT GOOD, just come watch me make it and take notes.
-When I was making salsa, I was cutting a banana pepper and the juice squirted right up in my eye.

My to do this for this week that I will do no matter what because I need to:
1. Decorate for Halloweeeeen! It's October, hooray.
2. Dye my hair again since the color is fading.
3. Go on lots of walks and take lots of pictures.
4. Don't be sad.
5. Hopefully find a free laptop somewhere that still functions properly.
6. Go for a run after work everyday.

sometimes lonely isn't sad.

I just decided I desperately need to make a list.

Because sometimes when I have an idea or thought,

I like to make it into some sort of list

because I feel like if I put it in a list,

it means it will have to happen.

my list:

-take even more pictures.

-start writing again.

-share my writing with someone. perhaps on just add Kaleena.

-drink a lot more water.

-drink a lot less soda.

-have more positive thoughts.

-save my pennies.

So there. 

I made a list.

Now  that  has to happen.

February.

This month I will:

-Take more pictures.

-Go on more walks.

-Re-introduce my body to the gym.

-Work more.

-Make big decisions.

so far my new years resolution is off to a great start.

So I tried sushi tonight...

This is a Vegas Roll:

And these are the friends I tried it with:

Vegas Roll: GREAT SUCCESS!