a rut.

If you couldn't tell by my last two posts, i'm in a rut. This isn't that surprising or unusual. Especially since I suffer from anxiety and depression.  Normally, I can blame it on something or reason with it...

"Maybe it's cause I haven't been sleeping much."

"Maybe it's cause I don't really eat healthy"

"Maybe it's cause I don't take the time to do the things that make me happy"

And honestly, right now, I can't think of a single thing can be causing this and to me, there isn't anything more frightening. Just knowing you are feeling like you are falling apart for no reason so you don't really know where to start. You just feel lost. Alone. Confused. It's not just the anxiety and depression, either. The best way to explain it is when I'm in a rut, it's like magnifying the anxiety and depression. Ugh. I don't know.

thankful.

As much as I love the holidays and everything that comes with them,

(decorations, music, food, traditions)

part of me really doesn't like the holidays at all.

They kind of depress me. They always make me feel a little lonely.

 

I remember when I was about... 6 or 7(?)

It was around Christmas time and I just got done helping my mom stuff envelopes with Chirstmas cards. I went over to the window after to see the snow fall and I remember feeling really, really sad to the point where I almost cried.

I felt this way because as I watched the snow fall, I remember thinking and worrying about all the families who didn't have shelter or all the people who didn't have a family... basically everyone who wasn't fortunate enough to have a loving family and a warm place to live and sleep.

 

I have no idea why this was such a worry of mine when I was 6/7 aroud Christmas time haha I guess I've alway been a worrier.

 

To this day, those same thoughts I had that night still come up every holiday and make me sad. We donated some stuff to the Road Home last Christmas and was great to help all the homeless people in need. So this year I'm planning on doing a "Sub for Santa" and as much help I can so I can at least enjoy the holiday season without feeling sad for the less fortunate.

 

So even though the holidays can be stressful and busy... I am thankful for them because it reminds me to really put my own life, wants/needs, problems, etc into perspective and that it's not always about what you DON'T have, it's you need to be thankful for what you DO have.

take a sad song and make it better.

Firstly, I would like to say thank you to those of you sweet Readers who left me a cyber hug and comment. My response to the cyber hugs is a cyber hug back of course, but with no awkward pats on the back because I love you, Reader. In this post here is no 'secondly' so I'm confused too why I started this post with 'firstly'.

I know depression sounds scary and sad but I've been through this hell before and I really am doing okay [most days]. I still can be quite the optimist even in these dark days so with that being said, I look at my depression with opportunity. I'm looking to learn from it. I learn more about myself when I am down in the dumpies and messed up than I do when I'm just happy and content. I think everybody does.

And pssst. I have a secret. I think that people who are "messed up" and "weird" are far more interesting than people who are happy and people who have the perfect lifestyle. People who have a plan, know what they want in life and have it all together are B-O-R-I-N-G. I need something more real than that.

* * * * *

I had big plans to spend some time in the kitchen tonight, Reader. I was going to bake you a couple of red velvet cups cakes, scrub-a-dub a few dirty dishes, clean out that cold box packed with expired food that once used to be a fridge. But no, that bastard spider that ran across my foot while I was standing in front of the sink had other plans. He wanted to ruin my plan. And ruin my plans he did. If you need me, I will be crouching on top of the bookshelf with something long and pointy to fight spiders off with.

My birthday is coming up Reader. *HINT. HINT.*