a wall of indifference - part I

Some days, everything feels like it's finally falling into place.
I finally have a job where I feel happy with what I'm doing. I enjoy my boss - despite the intimidation.
And importantly, I see it as a place where I can grow.
Not just a paycheck.
Not just staring at the clock diligently counting down until it's 6PM and I'm outta there.
I'm putting a lot of my effort into this job and I'm starting to see the benefits. It's rare, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be proud of myself.

This is utterly unrelated but last Saturday, I heard a crow cawing by the Taco Bell on 400 South. It really stuck with me because I never hear or see crows... especially in the city. But the strange thing is, the next day I saw a fake crow as a lawn/garden ornament thingy and it made me go "hmm"
TLDR; crows

So... back to how things are falling into place...
I've been in a dark, confusing place for so long.
A place where I don't feel like me and I don't know who I am.
A place where I'm afraid I don't remember what I used to be.
A place where I feel like I have been pretending like I'm okay with what has happened.
A place where I'm annoyed that nothing is every really black and white and there isn't anybody to explain the gray areas.

I've been in this place before. I'm not a tourist there... I'm one of the locals. I can tell you all about the place.

My brain thinks of how I got out of this place last time -- The next thing happened. And I let it happen with an open heart. The something that's missing from me getting out of this dark, lonely place is the "next thing" needs to happen. Except if it does, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to accept anything with an open heart. I've built a wall of indifference. I have carefully placed each brick to create my solid and tall wall of indifference so nobody can reach me. Now, the only person struggling with the wall is me.

2015 is off to an okay start. Just okay.

Guess what? I'm back in the Avenues!
Just me this time.
It doesn't feel like the same Avenues I once lived in though, but I enjoy it anyway.
It's on L Street.
So now I've been on J Street, R Street and now L Street.
I found a little apartment on the top level of a house and it's all mine.
It doesn't feel like home.
But the older I get, the more I realize the feeling of "home" doesn't really exist anymore.
I do like the place though. My bedroom has a covered balcony!

Here is a picture.... i'm on the top level. For some reason, when I took the picture, it looks like the house is on some solitary hill with nothing around it.

Behold my apartment/house on L Street:

another friday night and i ain't got nobody...

Just a song title and I changed a word but still. It fits.

I've never liked Fridays. The only thing Fridays have to offer for me is it's a night I can stay up late guilt free and think of all the things I've been wanting to do but never do them... like:

-rearrange my room.
-have an all night partywow movie marathon. literally all night.
-start painting again.
-make friendship bracelets.

But I usually will end up walking around my quiet apartment feeling restless. Sometimes Friday nights are hard for me if I'm alone. I have too much time to think and contemplate. I don't care being alone, most days I prefer the solitude... but I think of how I used to spend my Friday nights and how different my life has changed since then and I just sit and think "how did I get here? Seriously, WTF"

Reality be like...

"LOL Kaleena. I will take away everything you love and make you deal with it while everyone else seems to have their life together and make you wonder what you are doing wrong"

Expectations be like...

"Good things will happen to you and you will know what you want and feel and you will figure things out."

All I know is... I'm going to Smiths after work. Buying a big-ass steak. Seasoning it with lemon pepper, chopped onions, garlic, and pepper. Grilling it to medium-rare and then eating it.

basically, i suck.

WOO! My first post as a 24 year old. YEAAAHH!! WELL ALRIGHT!

Aaaand it feels the exact same as it did when I was 23... and 22... and 21... and OMG, have I had this thing for that long? Well allow me to shout "wowzers bowzers!" at that news because it sure hasn't seemed like that long.

I have some serious regret going on right now that I haven't been writing more on here during these last few months. These have been some crucial months for me where I have grown and learned so much about myself and life. Everything I once thought I knew, isn't. And everything I once felt, can't. And everything I once thought I wanted, won't. Did that make sense?

OH! Two nights ago, my friend Kylee told me I had really good word choice to explain feelings and how things are or feel. And that made me feel great because for some reason that is a huge compliment for me.

Some events of my life these last few months:

-Had a birthday that ended with me turning 24. Wat.
-Met JOHN DENSMORE of the DOORS. I was talking to and  standing by someone Jim Morrison once did and it was amazing. I love the Doors. Best band ever and that's just a fact.
-Bunny was checked into the vet to be hospitalized because he was sick. :( it was some sad and scary times but he recovered and is back to being sassy and cute.
-Became addicted to VINE. I basically open that app and LOL forever. And luckily, my roommate/friend is addicted to it too so when I find a really funny one, I run into her room and show her and LOL together. But It also makes me feel highly uncreative.
-Learning how hard it is to be responsible and making enough money to make ends meet. Sheesh, money is stressful sometimes. Ugh.

I will be here more now to explain more about how I've grown and the lessons I've learned. I need these hard times because without them you can't learn anything or grow. You don't learn anything from happiness and peace. At least I don't anyway.

same hair, new style.

I am as fickle as they come. Who 'they' is, I don't know but I am one of them I guess. I change my mind and feelings on everything so much that sometimes I just get impulsive.

Basically, my hair gets to experience my fickleness the most. That's why I go from bangs to no bangs, dark to blonde, from blonde to dark... even though every time I go back to blonde after dark, I swear it will be my last time. LOL at me ever saying anything is for the last time.

My recent act of impulsion was decided I wanted to get a 'long bob' haircut. Or a 'long a-line' The idea popped into my head around noon last Monday and by 5:45 that night, I had the haircut.

Here is what I asked for:

And this is what I got:

You can't tell but it's a bit shorter in the back. And basically I love it. It doesn't take that long to dry and style and I can wear it in a tiny ponytail. Also, do you know what is awkward? One woman fedora photo-shoots in your room while your bunny watches you.

brought back to life.

Basically, anytime I am sad or stressed or confused or WHAT IS MY LIFE, I tend to disappear. Not just from here, but from everyone like friends and family. So in real life, if you don't see me or hear from me, just know something is going and I like to keep to myself to figure everything out.

I'M BACK.

And here is what has happened in the last month:

-I moved! I went from the Avenues to Cottonwood Heights. I will forever love and miss the Avenues but I like my new area too. And we have a pool. But the gate to get into the complex sounds like a pissed off witch that is getting tickled and wants to laugh but is trying to suppress it. And that wakes me up sometimes.

-I realized how much I hate packing, for a lot of reasons. I will forever wonder where all my stuff comes from. I swear it multiplies every time I move. So I hate being forced to go through it to throw stuff away and in the midst of that I will find an old memory that will make me sad or I will find a toy that will distract me. It just sucks and I can't get anything done. I made a promise that the place I live now, will be place I die just so I don't have to pack and move again.

-I ran out of gas while driving! Are you suprised? I'm not. I am pro at knowing just how low the gas gage can sit BELOW the E before I have to finally stop and get some gas. Except this time, I ran out and it was like 11PM. I sat on the side of road thinking of who I can call...

Not Shandey, she is probably in bed and lives 40 minutes away.
Not Steve...
Not my mom, I don't want her to worry.

Was that really all the people I had to go through to see who could help? Then I remembered...

KRAMER! My longtime BFF Kramer who will always be my BFF but it's kind of hard since he is married. I called him and he didn't even ask questions or hesitate. He said he was on his way (after he laughed because this has been happening to me ever since our friendship had started).

I'm really thankful for Kramer, I hadn't seen him in a long time but he came to help without asking questions or expecting anything in return. That's a real friend. We both went home smelling like gasoline.

That's about it... I'm very happy. I thought I would be sad to leave my apartment with Steve and the life we built there, but this change has been good and I'm really happy.

and then i would ask you what you were doing for the rest of your life.

Here are just some things that are making me cry (from joy), cry (from sadness), LOL, and ponder.

1. I am a very big Frasier fan. Yeah, the show with Kelsey Grammer. Be careful though, because the more you watch that show... the more you are likely to get a weird crush or attraction to Fraiser. Wut? But the older Frasier... not the one with the fluffly crown hair. Anyway. It's a long story and I'm not good at telling long stories or giving synopsis's on episodes but I will tell you that Niles just delivered this line and it literally gave me tears (of joy) in my eyes.

"I would ask you your name, and then I would tell you mine. Then I would ask you what you were doing for the rest of your life."

Isn't that the sweetest thing? Future husband, if you are reading this, let alone existing, please say that or something like that when you propose to me. Hashtag LOL at my life.

2. Basically, I have an opportunity to move out with a friend and it's happening a lot sooner and faster than expected. And it's a huge reminder how much I hate change and how much I can't deal with change. This means this is where my tears from sadness is coming. But I keep thinking of this quote:

"So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!” 

3. What will make me LOL forever is Golden Girls. That show is awesome in every way. I can't get enough of it. Sometimes I wish I was that age living with friends that age and getting into the same shinangans they do.  

change is never easy; you fight to hang on and you fight to let go.

HELLO.

As of January 6th I have been living out at Shandey's house (just til February 1st...).
Just me and the little bunny friend living in their extra bedroom.
Everything is fine, it's just so we can "test run" what it will be like living with each other in Chicago.

Honestly, it's a hard adjmustment. As much as I love Shandey and my nieces, it's a lifestyle i'm not used to. The hardest part is not seeing Steve everyday. Ha, we are three days in and that has been my biggest struggle. I miss him. I think about him a lot. When I listen to the very bottom of my heart, I think this time I'm away at Shandey's is going to be good for more than one reason.

Not being at our apartment has really taught me how much of a homebody I am and how easily homesick I can be. I mean, I'm 30 minutes away from my apartment and I'm feeling like I'm in another country. Shandey has a nice, loving, warm home but nothing feels like my home.

A while ago I wrote on here, "Home is not a house, city, state, town, room, or street. Home is a person. And Steve is my home."

Normally, Kaleena would say "this is way too difficult and making me too sad to have this much distance from Steve and our apartment" but this new Kaleena that is weird and is all like "No, you are going to stay here and gain something from this experience. You aren't weak anymore."

Want to know how to know if you are crazy? You lecture youself and call yourself names. Ha. Insanity is great.

Just twenty-three more days and I'll be back in the Avenues. Home.

chicago.

Did you know?

I'm moving to Chicago in May.

Am I freaking terrified? Yes. (because it's a big change and everyone knows I cannot handle change).

Am I also freaking excited? Oh of course.

I'm moving with my sister Shandey and her family. Her husband, Chris, got a job offer there and I'm going because I don't really have anything tying me down here.

I know I'll be homesick for sure, but I have to get over that and stay.
I want to go because I would regret it more if I stayed here instead of moving there and regretting it.

Who knows, I may end up really loving it there and never come back to Utah.

I'll miss everything and everyone here, but I'm ready for the next thing.
The lifestyle I've been living for the last year has made me insane I think.

When I picture my life in a city I am unfamiliar with and where no one will know me, it gives  me anxiety.
But deep down under all my uncertainty with this huge change and move, I really feel like something great will come out of it. 

Here is home, I guess.

purple toes!

Right now there is a pretty purple on my toe nails. I think purple is my favorite color to have my toe nails.

I can't believe how much can change in four years. Or just in a year for that matter. Cray cray!

I have really been in the reading mood lately. I keep adding more and more books to my 'to read' list.

I was stuck in traffic for two hours today. I got really hyper and then really tired while sitting in my car in the traffic. It was a fun time in traffic nonetheless.

Golden Girls is on TV now, so that is my cue to end this post.

change is never easy.

I just want you to know that I really hated this week. You know that quote... "Not every day is good, but there is good in every day." ?

Well that was the story of all my days this week. Thinking back on this week, I'm not entirely sure how I made it. But I did. So the next time I have a week like this one, I can think back on this week and remember that I survived and it will give me hope.

I'm about to share a sentimental Facebook story. Are you ready? I didn't even know sentimental Facebook stories existed. Anyway. One of my FB friends is going through a break up and she posted this status:

Today is bittersweet.. Just put my deposit down on my new place and felt instant relief.. Until the reality of our life changes set in.. The life we know will soon be fading in the rearview mirror and I cant help but be sad about it.. Another failure and another disappointment...


I think she put that very well. No matter what the change is, it's always bittersweet. It's great because it's a new page in your life and  a new experience but it's so incredibly bitter because everything you know, your life, fades away and is replaced with the new.


Here is my favorite quote about change:


"Change is never easy. You fight to hang on and you fight to let go." - The Wonder Years 

wow. whoa. hmm.

Hi.

I can't believe how much has changed since last year at this time.

It seems like another life time.

From everything big to small.

Kind of makes me excitednervousscared to see where I will be next year at this time.

So nervous that I am combining words to make new words.

and i quote.

And here are some quotes just because I love them.
And they are fitting for me and my life right now.
And just because I've always loved reading quotes.
Quotes!!!

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” — Raymond Lindquist

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” — Maya Angelou

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” — Albert Einstein

“Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change. Life’s too short to be anything… but happy.”-Anonymous

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.” — Anonymous

the only constant in life is change.

I read an article the other day where it said people develop their personalities the most during 19-24 years old. Also, during that time is when you are consistently changing. I find this to be very true. And I am going to go off topic right now and say that my H key is not working, I have to slam and I mean SLAM it down to work and I'm becoming very frustrated!!! It's me versus the H key over here. GARR! Stop giving me that look, Reader. I thought you would understand! Anyways, so yeah. I found that article to be very true. I am twenty-one right now and when I think back to last year at this time, I feel like a complete different girl. I've changed in so many ways just in a year and it makes me kind of excited to see where I will be next year, in two years, etc.

So far, a few things I've learned:

• I care more about the little things, not the big things.
• I attach myself to basically e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. 
• I'm insanely sensitive and that is one thing I always will be. This used to bother me, but I'm actually starting to accept it.
• I'm a worrier. Not a warrior. I wanted to make that clear because when I typed worrier it looked really similar to warrior.
• I need to know that I am needed by someone more than me needing to know that I am loved by someone. Does that make sense?
• I can drag my feet before I can be open with somebody and be myself.
• I would rather have a few really good, close friends than a large amount of acquaintances.
• I am painfully socially awkward. It's kind of entertaining actually.This results in many embarrassing stories.
• I prefer nights in with a few friends than wild and crazy nights out. BUT I do like to go out too. (wow, I am sounding really boring ha ha)

I wanted to write those, so in a year (or maybe next month even) I can come back and see what is changed and what is the same.

i'm headed for a change.

HA! Get it? Because my header changed. I really do hate how much I make myself laugh... especially over ridiculous, unfunny puns. Or should I say unpunny? Shame on me.

So I don't want to brag or anything, but I totally made my header. In about twenty minutes. I will admit, it does indeed look like a twenty minute header. But hey, that's what you get for having an attention span like mine and being so eager to see how it looks.

I like it.

Let me know what you think. You don't HAVE to be nice.