hi.

The older I get, the more the only thing I am sure of is that nothing ever really makes sense and you kind of just have to take what you can from living and see what it all means to you at the end of the day. I'm an extroverted feeler and introverted thinker so it makes it hard for me to articulate myself. I'll try my best.

The things that I'm meaning that doesn't make sense are things like.... you can't know better until knowing better is too late. What type of cruel irony is that? It's like, great that we at least eventually know better but that's a special kind of bullshit torture since you can't really do anything about it besides kick yourself.

I don't really know where I am going with this... I was just sleeping in my room with all the lights on and a text message woke me up and here I am. It's 1:30AM.

Right now - one of my favorite things to do is go out on my balcony or even crawl up on my roof anytime after 3AM and look at the city. There is a very quiet sounding loud hum. It kind of feels like I'm the only person existing and I get a secret place where only I can exist. I look at the city and as far as the distance shows it's really a sobering feeling. It really does puts everything into perspective. Suddenly the driver who didn't signal that put me in a bad mood doesn't matter and the worry that I might not ever figure out what kind of person I am doesn't seem as daunting. I look out and I see the place that has been my timeline and map of everything I've ever done and experienced -- the big things at least. It's hard to comprehend that I'm looking at the same place and still living under the same sky where I lived with my first love, played night games as a kid with my neighborhood, spent so many nights/hours driving around with my closest friends, spent many other nights driving around alone wondering where I will ever belong, etc. Is this really the same place? It's all a nostalgic grid.

If i'm being honest - being awake at 3AM and looking out a dark city with soft shimering lights of the town and feeling like I'm the only person existing is the most comforting yet alienating feeling. 

the burn says it's working.

This is just me. 

Don't get scared... 

like I did when I put this mint face mask on at 1:00AM. 

But when you live alone and it's late 

at night and you wear this mask

your imagination will really activate. 

Since this was a mint mask

it burned a little.

But that just means you are becoming pretty.

fear.

life is weird.

My life is really weird right now. I'm at a really confusing spot. 

Everything I thought I was sure of at one point has me confused. How can you trust your feelings if they can just disappear like that?

I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm in between my old life and my new life and I'm still having a hard time letting go of the old and comfortably entering my new life.

I'm really happy with these new changes and I've been outside my comfort zone, but I still feel kind of lost... I don't have any direction and I don't know what I'm doing. But the thing is, if I had the choice to go back to my old life and everything that was once mine and my happy place, I don't know if I want that anymore. I think about my past a lot and I miss a lot of things, but I don't know if that means that's what I want or if it was because it was part of me for so long that it's my security blanket.

how can you trust your feelings if they can change so sudden.

Ugh.

This movie. I think of it and all I can come up with is "ugh". Not the bad kind of "ugh", but it just left me so emotionally raw and pensive where I can't come up with words. It was a deep and emotional experience. Obviously I cried.

I wasn't crying because I was sad. I was crying because it was a realization of an ugly, sad truth I won't be able to get around.

If you have never seen this movie, you have to watch it alone. It's not a buddy movie. It's very deep and engaging.

This is the most true and accurate as a love story in a movie gets. Remember how at the start of (500) Days of Summer where it says, this is not a love story, it's a story about love? It's like that.

I used to be such a hopeless romantic, but when I see movies like this where you see that love in reality isn't what the movies or catchy pop/love songs portray it as, it leaves you feeling kind of hopeless and that anything good will eventually unravel and nothing happens how you plan.

I feel like Juno from Juno. I just need to know that two people can stay together and be happy with each other no matter what. No matter the hard times. No matter the age. No matter the money. No matter the job, etc.

 

life's about changing.

On January 18th I went to Petco to get some hay and bedding for my BFF bunny Lou. While I was there I saw a sweet little bunny who was up for adoption. I played with it for a bit and decided to hurry and leave before I got too attached. Well, right when I left I wanted to go back and get him. So the next day I went back and adopted the sweet little bunny. He was a Holland Lop, 2 years old, and came from an abusive home (grrr). I was so happy I would be able to save and rescue this little buddy.

I brought him home and it was kind of heartbreaking to see how timid and frail he was. You could feel his spine (and see it too actually) and his poor fur on his ears were matted. But he was lucky to end up with such an animal lover like me because he would see nothing but love.

I named him Murph. And Murph was a sweetheart. It was cute to see him and Lou chase each other.

However, something went terribly wrong on Sunday night. I was at the U of U basketball game and when I got home I went over to say hi to Murph and Lou and I noticed Murph was laying on his side which he never does. I laid there by him to see if he was breathing. After a while I started to panic and I shook him and his cage a little bit and said "wake up, wake up" The more moitionless he remained the more I knew the thing I was hoping it wasn't, was.

Little, sweet Murph had died.

I know it wasn't my fault but I feel so sad I wasn't there to be with him. My heart is broken. I looked on the internet and I guess it's normal for a bunny who was abused and to go from home to home is likely to have a sudden death. I wish it wasn't that way :(

R.I.P. Murph. I love you and I'm sorry you had such a crappy life that you didn't deserve. I loved the upside heart on your face.

 

sigh.

"There's something in my eyes;
you know it happens everytime
I think about the love that I thought would save me."

-Jim Croce
Operator

things that matter.

The best advice that I had ever received:

"Take one day at a time and be positive. Things that are meant to happen will happen. Concentrate on the things you have control over and everything else will work out." 

photo by: me.

why don't you tell me that 

'if the girl had been worth having, she'd have waited for you?'

no, sir, the girl really worth having won't wait for anybody.

f. scott fitzgerald.

"The best way is not to fight it, just go. 
Don't be trying all the time to fix things. 
What you run from only stays with you longer. When you fight something, you only make it stronger."


She says, "Don't do what you want." 
She says, "Do what you don't want. Do what you're 
trained not to want."


It's the opposite of following bliss.
"Do the things that scare you the most."


-Invisible Monsters
Chuck Palahniuk

being sick in bed.

That is what I look like with my new hair color (intense auburn) standing in Chinatown, San Francisco. (2011)

I took down the Christmas tree and Christmas decorations today. (waaahhh) So now the apartment looks about as bleak and bare as January usually looks.

I'm still pretty sick with this annoying chest cold. Annoying doesn't really describe it, but I can't think of a better word.

Since I was sick this weekend and spent a buncha time in bed, it gave me a lot of thinking time. I thought about what noises giraffes make, what I would be like if I was a boy instead a of a girl, why I can't go to the airport and watch the plane after plane take off and fly over my head without getting arrested.

Etc.

But I also thought a lot about what I've been through. Isn't it amazing how time really does heal and fix everything? I was thinking back on what was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life. I don't like to think about it much, (because duh) but when I do, it doesn't hurt as much as it once did. Even though during that awful time it seemed like it would never end, it eventually does. And you are a different person because of it. Wow, sorry for the cliche overload.

finally, 2011 is over.

When I was coming up with this post, I first thought I should do.....

2,011 things I hated about 2011

Because honestly (and sadly) I could really come up with 2,011 things I hated about 2011. 2011 was the most rough year I've yet to live. But to avoid coming off as ungrateful and mopey and bratty, I will just do a normal list of all the great and not great events that happened to me in 2011.

-I watched Steve get surgery on his right eye. 

-I tried and became obsessed with sushi simultaneously. 

-Was awarded employee of the month.

-Went to Cortez, Colorado for the first time.

-Hiked to Delicate Arch in Moab.

-Turned 22.

-Was broken up with/had my heart broken. Ugh.

-Started my camera collection by purchasing the Instax Mini, Holga, and the Diana F+ as a gift.

-Went from blonde to brunette.

-Visted Los Angeles for the first time. Decided that city is overrated and I kind of hate it.

-Went to San Francisco. 

-Grew my wisdom teeth. (I think).
-Went on some first dates.
-Didn't become a better cook like I had hoped.
-Didn't try a burger with a tomato on it.
-Didn't win any contests.
-Got a new car! RIP Ford Explorer :(
-Saw a few free concerts at Pioneer Park. Decemberists, Bright Eyes, & Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.
-I didn't get sick once! Not even my annual food poisoning I usually get on June 18th of every year.
-I got migraines about 2-3 times a week.
-Went out to Wendover a few times. Won $120 one of the luckier times!
-Saw the final Harry Potter movie.

That's about it. As you can see, it was a pretty bleak and vanilla year.

six months.

On December 27th, it will be six months since Steve and I broke up. Let me tell you, it has seemed like a lot longer than six months. When I think back to that day, it seems like another lifetime. I know I've said this before, but I'm sure that time functions differently when you have a broken heart. 

Even though Steve did break up with me and we remain close friends to this day, I feel with every piece of me I will never be able to forgive him for hurting me the way he did that rotten day he broke up with me. I have never been that hurt in my entire life. I will never understand why or how he could do that to me. That may sound childish and immature, but as of right now, I feel I will never feel the feeling of forgiveness for how he hurt me.

I've been okay recently. I haven't felt emotional or sad over our breakup and there are days when I don't even feel sad about what happened. The days where I feel sad and depressed for our breakup are getting more and more spread out and I find myself thinking about it/him less and less. This is giving me hope that I can finally be moved on once and for all. It does make me slightly sad that I am making myself move on from the person that I loved and was my future husband and said he would never leave me. 

I definitely went through the five stages of loss:

1. Denial and Isolation.

2. Anger. - I was in this stage the longest. Not only feeling anger towards Steve but I felt a lot of anger towards myself because I left myself believe it was my fault.

3. Bargaining.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance. (I hope I am finally to this stage)

Here are my most favorite quotes about change, moving on, and letting go. Don't think I didn't cry while reading these quotes. I am after all, the queen of crying over everything. This post was incredibly emotional for me to write, but luckily, it has made me feel better.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

“Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.” –Unknown

“We need in love to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily–we do not need to learn it.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Ugh.

the storm.

"And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about."

Haruki Murakami 

today i am thankful for medicine.

I had a really good day yesterday. These days, I qualify "good days" as the ones where I don't get hurt or killed. This good day of mine was pretty much destroyed around 10pm when I got yet ANOTHER migraine. Since I don't like taking medicine unless I really really have to,  I curled up on the recliner chair and fell asleep watching Fraser, hoping this would cure the migraine. But nope. I woke up like an hour later feeling worse and stumbled to my room to sleep.

I woke up this morning pretty much expecting to be gone but the pain mulitplied over night and I just laid in my bed hoping that maybe if I concentrate on my ceiling really hard, it would go away; that didn't work either. So I finally took an Excederin and the migraine left me alone.

LESSON LEARNED: Instead of being an idiot and waiting til I desperately need the medicine, just take medicine when I first feel the headache.

Here is a picture I took (and a reason) why I love this time of year and sunsets:

three solid truths.

There a three solid truths in life that I am confidant in knowing they are true:

1. You will notice a certain object laying around your house every single day, but when the time comes that you actually need the object, you can't remember where you saw it.
2. I am always a very tired girl when I'm a work. I can only concentrate the image of me in a ball in my bed; but when I finally get home in my bed, the sleepiness has been replaced with mass amounts of energy that I don't know where to direct it to.
3. Whenever I want time to crawl, it goes by too quickly. Whenever I want time to go by quickly, it will go slower than tar going up Mount Everest.

Today, I was so busy at work, I e-mailed Shandey (my sister) to bring me a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's after she gets off work. She kindly accepted my request. Not only did she come with Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, but she also surprised me with a mini chocolate frosty. This was great news because my belly had the rumblies that only Wendy's could satisfy.

And now, before I go to waste more time on the Internet... I leave you with this thirteen second video that I highly encourage you to watch. It's only thirteen seconds. It does not disappoint.

steps to healing a broken heart that you might think will never be healed again.

I think everyone should experience a broken heart at some point in their lifetime. I would never ever specifically wish that pain and and misery and tragedy on someone, but it is definitely something I think everyone should feel and be familiar with just for the one reason that it teaches you a lot about yourself. After spending my time moping and crying and glaring at happy couples I saw in public, I decided that wasn't going to help me get better. I decided to take my heartbreak as a learning experience.

Here is the advice I would give someone who has a broken heart:

1. Let yourself hurt. If you try and numb the pain, it will only hurt worse when you finally feel it.
2. Cry.
3. Cry in the shower.
4. Cry when you are falling asleep.
5. Cry when you are driving and listening to a sad song or even a happy song.
6. Cry when you see a male and a female duck crossing the street together.
7. Get all the crying out so it doesn't sneak up on you when you are talking to the person scanning your groceries.
8. Keep your life moving. As tempting as crawling under your covers in your bed and never coming back out except to see if your phone is done charging sounds, you have to keep living your life if you want to be happy again.
9. Take it one day at a time.
10. Find new things to do to keep you busy.
11. Take this time to really think about what you are looking for and what your likes/dislikes are.
12. Be selfish. Only do things if they make you happy. This is just advice in general, but it can be applied to this.
13. Be strong. Even if you know you aren't strong, fake like you are strong and it will happen. And you will be surprised.

The thing I am most grateful for that I gained from this nightmare is... I feel like I am now invincible to pain. I feel like from now on, anything could happen to me and it will never come close to hurting me as much as this heartbreak did. I feel free and like there is nothing left to be afraid of.

"You've got to let go of who you were, to become who you will be."- Janet Fitch

one month later.

Well, it's been a little over a month since my heart was completely broken and destroyed and ruined and any other possible awful thing that could happen to a sensitive heart like mine. But to me, it feels like it's been almost a year. I think time functions differently when you have a broken heart. I feel like everything I've ever known in the last three years was from another lifetime, or a dream. In all honesty, it doesn't even seem real.

Here is what I have learned and observed in the last month:

1. I'm starting to think the only kind of relationship I want until I am 28-30 years old is friendship.

2. Don't keep thinking about what I should or could have done differently.

3. I am so lucky to have my two older sisters to be there for me and to give me wise words.

4. Plan new things and always have something to do. Cause if I don't, then I find myself back on my bed mentally exhausting myself with thoughts of the past and probably crying, obviously.

5. Don't rush anything, I need to take my time.

6. I don't handle change so well. As in, I don't handle change well at all.

7. When people find out you are a victim of the big D (being dumped) they treat you as if you are a little puppy who has been dropped kicked. This is a very sweet gesture but when you are trying to move on, and someone keeps popping in saying "you doing okay with everything that has happened?" it is kind of hard to keep it together and not start thinking about it all over again.

8. I need to stay positive and take this whole nightmare and make it a learning experience and take this time to really figure out what I really want.

9. Even though I am still utterly hurt, Reader, you were right when you said things will only get better even though they seem like they won't.

10. Now that I am single, I see couples everywhere holding hands and riding bikes and eating ice cream cones and playing with cute little animals. And there I am, all alone, glaring at them and wishing they would fall off the bikes or the cute animals will turn against them. Jk. (maybe...)

picture above from weheartit.com

and i quote.

And here are some quotes just because I love them.
And they are fitting for me and my life right now.
And just because I've always loved reading quotes.
Quotes!!!

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” — Raymond Lindquist

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” — Maya Angelou

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” — Albert Einstein

“Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change. Life’s too short to be anything… but happy.”-Anonymous

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.” — Anonymous

i opened my mouth and cliches came out.

It's true what they say. The same 'they' who say some people can't win them all... believe it or not there is a man somewhere in Illinois that probably has won them all. Or the same people that say you can't wear black and brown clothing together. Well guess what? I've worn black with brown and let me tell you, wearing black and brown has never felt so good.

So anyways. It's true what they say. It's the little things that matter. I know that is cliche for me to say and saying that is cliche... is cliche, but it's true.

I was outside today and I saw a great big and [of course] adorable Golden Retriever dog chasing another dog that appeared to be some sort of... nappy street mutt (to put it nicely) in the snow. They both had something that resembled a branch in their mouth and as I watched them run, roll around and play I was truly jealous of how fun that looked. I was amused with how intrigued I was by this. Just that little moment, made my entire day.

Am I the only one who got a cavity from the sweetness of this picture?