a wall of indifference - part I

Some days, everything feels like it's finally falling into place.
I finally have a job where I feel happy with what I'm doing. I enjoy my boss - despite the intimidation.
And importantly, I see it as a place where I can grow.
Not just a paycheck.
Not just staring at the clock diligently counting down until it's 6PM and I'm outta there.
I'm putting a lot of my effort into this job and I'm starting to see the benefits. It's rare, but I'm starting to remember what it feels like to be proud of myself.

This is utterly unrelated but last Saturday, I heard a crow cawing by the Taco Bell on 400 South. It really stuck with me because I never hear or see crows... especially in the city. But the strange thing is, the next day I saw a fake crow as a lawn/garden ornament thingy and it made me go "hmm"
TLDR; crows

So... back to how things are falling into place...
I've been in a dark, confusing place for so long.
A place where I don't feel like me and I don't know who I am.
A place where I'm afraid I don't remember what I used to be.
A place where I feel like I have been pretending like I'm okay with what has happened.
A place where I'm annoyed that nothing is every really black and white and there isn't anybody to explain the gray areas.

I've been in this place before. I'm not a tourist there... I'm one of the locals. I can tell you all about the place.

My brain thinks of how I got out of this place last time -- The next thing happened. And I let it happen with an open heart. The something that's missing from me getting out of this dark, lonely place is the "next thing" needs to happen. Except if it does, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to accept anything with an open heart. I've built a wall of indifference. I have carefully placed each brick to create my solid and tall wall of indifference so nobody can reach me. Now, the only person struggling with the wall is me.

my fingers are rusty.

Right now I'm just sitting in my room. On my bed. With music playing. Bunny drinking his water... which happens to be one of the loudest noises that you would think wouldn't be so noisy. And i'm drinking water out of a mason jar... not because I'm hip and have these chic ideas on how to turn old junk into cute household items but because when you live with five people, sometimes an old jar is the only thing you can find to drink out of. So that's my Saturday.

I worked today. Which is something I'm not going to cry about. Yeah, it's not the ideal way to spend a Saturday but I get paid extra for working on Saturdays. And let's be real... what else would I really be doing.

Right now I'm really loving coconut oil. I put it all over my face and it makes it soft. Unfortunately, coconut oil doesn't give you a new, better face. But it does give you a face that is at least soft.

I just heard a lyric that made my insides shift sudden and low. It said

"when I see you again,
and i'm greeted as a friend,
it is understood,
we did all that we could."

I didn't really have a reason to start this post, but I just felt like my head and heart were very full and I needed an outlet. Before I started typing this I was just looking at my blog. I sat and thought as I stared at "Just Add Kaleena" in rainbow at the top of the page of this blog. The top of my stories and thoughts and feelings, and it suddenly registered to me how many different times I have logged in here and all the things that have happened to me since. The first time, that rainy Saturday when I was laying in (at the time) mine and Steve's bed and decided I should start a blog. Kaleena, why didn't you start this sooner? There have been so many special and precious moments these last six years. But I guess you can never truly know the value of a moment until it is a memory. When I think of this blog, what I see in my head is our (mine and Steve's) old apartment living room in the Avenues lit by the floor lamp that we bought together from Big Lots, me on my laptop - Steve on his. Family Guy/Scrubs/Fraiser on TV. Either super STICKY hot or teeth chattering cold-hiding under layers of blankets, and typing on here. Occasionally Steve and I would glance at each other to share a laugh at what just happened on TV. Some people would look at that and think "you guys just spent time on your computers when you could have been doing so much more" but no. Those times, to both of us, are our most treasured times because Steve and I were so connected that we felt connected and at peace with each other no matter what we were doing. It's one of those things that we could spend the whole day in silence but at the end of the day feel like we've had the best conversation. They were comfortable silences. Not everyone can understand that. It's something I am certain I will never share with anyone else in this life. It is so rare and I'm so grateful I got to experience that feeling with another human, even if it was just for a short time. Our time together was short but it was the best time of my life. But was it cause it was our first love? Or because we were just in sync? I don't know. Other times when I logged in here it was after I just had the worst day, emotions all over the place and needed to put it out into words. And other times was just when I was silly and wanted to be silly on the internet. And now to this time.... me alone, reflecting on my past and realizing that nothing around me is permanent. Everything is temporary except for the love in your heart. I don't know where all this is coming from... there is a good chance that when I read this tomorrow I will just scratch my head. But sometimes the best way to understand how you are feeling is to write it down.

nonsense about nonsense.

Lol at my blogging habits and abilities.  When I first started I was all "I blog at least four times a day but the more it goes on, I'll be lucky if I get one post a month."

But it ends...... now. 

My life is weird and unorganized and confusing and I let that distract me from documenting it when really, all that is a great recipe for something worth documenting. 

Sometimes when I write here I picture me talking/preaching to a group (or however many of you still read this, if anyone even still does) but in reality, I would look more like Tom Hanks from Cast Away yelling to his volleyball Wilson. That seems more fitting.

One day, my buddy asked me why I'm so nice all the time to everyone and I said "well, there have been people in my life who haven't been that nice to me and hated the way it made me feel and I will never forget the feeling when those people were not nice to me. So, I am nice to everyone always because I never want to make someone feel the way I felt when someone was unkind to me."

So if you are reading this and you aren't a nice person you should be a nice person. Because mean people are mean and everyone is in better moods when strangers are nice to them for no reason.

these days.

These days,
I either feel everything at once
or
nothing at all.

I don't know what is worse.
Feeling like I'm drowning in feelings
or
being so thirsty for them I don't know who I am.

24 next month. wut.

Age is weird. Not the concept of age or accepting that you are getting older.. but just remembering.

The other day I was at a gas station and a cop was like "are you 17?" (not sure why he was asking that, I was just standing in line with a Mountain Dew. Pervert)

So I said, "No, I'm of legal age."

He replied with, "21?"

And I thought to myself... Am I 21 or 22? And I was like Duh, I'm 24.

Well later that day I realized/remembered that I am 23. LOL. Wut?

So I'm twenty-four next month and it's weird because I still feel like I'm nineteen. I wish I was nineteen. I liked nineteen. I will make a list of twenty-four things.. hmm.. how about, twenty-four things I just suck at. Because when you are me, there are a lot of things you suck at.

I suck at...

1. Getting stuff done that needs to be done. I moved a month ago and there is STILL stuff in my trunk I should unpack. But no. Just no.

2. Planning ahead.

3. Getting enough sleep.

3. Not over analyzing EVERYTHING.

4. Remembering everything I need at the grocery store.

5. Cooking.

6. Math.

7. Resisting to talk to animals I see walking past me.

8. Staying focused.

9. Drinking more water than pop.

Here is an unplanned intermission from this boring list... I got a haircut and it's kind of short and I love it because it looks and feels healthy again but I hate it because I have no split ends to pick at. Now what will I do on the phone or in traffic??

10. Making small and big decisions.

11. Staying mad at someone. Actually, this depends. I have been known to hold a grudge.

12. Articulating what I want to say.

13. Remembering what I was going to say.

14. Coming up with lists that needs twenty-four items.

15. Using the same amount of shampoo and conditioner so they run out at the same time.

16. Using my bread and produce before they expire or go gross.

17. Remembering to text back.

18. Writing.

19. Having legible handwriting.

20. Saving money.

21. Not being shy.

22. Knowing where a letter in the alphabet is without singing the entire alphabet.

23. Doing stuff on my bucket list.

24.Being an adult.

one fish, two fish, who is dr seuss.

This was one of the best weekends I've had in a loooooong time. That long needs more "o's" for emphasis. In a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

On Friday I went to this mummy exhibit at the Leonardo museum with my good friend Brad that I used to work with. Mummies are so interesting but equally creepy. I was in the mummy's faces like "whoooa, this mummy was once an actual human being who loved, and had a family, and was walking around and now he is just here in this case being a mummy."

Then on Saturday I went fishing. And it honestly was so much fun. Kids at a five year old birthday party who have access to unlimited soda, cotton candy, and ice cream who can later bounce around in an inflatable bounce-house without any adults nagging them to not jump so high don't have as much fun as I did fishing. I didn't catch anything, but who cares. We hiked up Bell's canyon and went fishing there and it was so peaceful and calm. After we fished it was rock time. We chucked rocks into the lake which is oddly of my favorite nature-related hobbies. Then the rest of the night was spent drinking beer and people watching at the bar, Hog's Wallow. And I agree, it does sound like something straight from Harry Potter.

This is a picture I captured myself from fishing... I didn't rip it off from a nature magazine. It's legit from my phone.

Sunday was Sunday. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (from what I could tell from my window). I was chin deep in Sunday mode and was in bed all day watching the Office on DVD, drinking Squeez-its and trying to avoid my real adult problems.

this is my life.

And I claim I'm not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
I've change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that I'll probably regret soon
I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it
My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself.

music is my boyfriend.

Remember how stupid that one song was where music was everything to her? I always hated that song. But it somehow ended up as the title of this post.

I need to be honest. Because I am professional at portraying myself one way when I’m really suffering.
I’m not happy with myself. I don’t mean unhappy with my hair, clothes, personality, skills, etc. I know I have a lot of things to be happy with like my health, job, family, home, etc. But at the end of the day, I’m not proud or content with where I’m at at this point in my life. I am 23 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything major besides graduating high school. I haven’t taken any big risks or chances. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla, standard life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have any crazy stories or nights under my belt, or that I’ve never done anything wild… but part of me is happy with my decisions. I’m still so young that it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to be when I “grow up” or if I even want to get married (some days I dream of it, some days I swear I will never be somebody’s anything). But what makes me worry is I don’t think I’m ever going to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I’m afraid I’m never going to be really great at something that will allow me to accomplish anything great or huge. I want to create oppourtunities and live a life that would get a “based on a true story” movie made after it.

If the world was “Arrested Development” my life would be Ann. Ann-Hog. Egg.

Once apon a time when I was 18 and single, I was really happy with what I had going for me. I was discovering the “real world” after high-school. The life that was outside of Taylorsville High School and my friend’s basement. I had a full-time job (1pm-9pm), making new friends, staying up/out late, planning all the tattoos I would get, reading new genres of books, questioning things more, starting to rely on me to support myself instead of my parents. I really grew up and I was happy because I was doing things I had never done before and I was learning about what I enjoyed. It’s amazing how much you don’t know about yourself when you do the same routine every day.

Some people have a plan of what they want to acheive or have by blank age. I want to have a very loose plan that will still give me structure but will allow me to be spontaneous. I don’t care if I end up married with kids or single and owning a boutique in the city… all I want is to live a life that I am proud of at the end of the day and that makes me happy when I’m falling asleep.

breakfast pep talks.

Reader, in case you were wondering...

Oatmeal now gives pep talks.

Not only is it high in fiber, but it will also make you feel better about your day and life. Which is really what people should expect from their breakfast that comes in a package that only takes hot water to prepare.

Here is a pitch I am doing for an informercial to advertise this pep talk Oatmeal thingy.

Did you wake up feeling down in the dumpies? Can you just not get pumped up for the day? Do you have low expectations for your day? There has to be a better way to feel motivated and eat breakfast... AND NOW THERE IS!

Introducing, the breakfast wrappers that make you feel better about your day.



 

i eat pickles like everyday is national pickle day.

Me: Wheat, ham & turkey, provolone, and extra pickles.

Subway lady: Are you pregnant?

Me: Um...?

Subway lady: You got extra pickles.

Me: Pickles are my favorite.

Subway lady: Oh, pregnant ladies love pickles.



EDIT: She did make clear when I was paying that I didn't look pregnant, she thought it was the pickles. Either way, being a girl and knowing I don't have anything to make me look pregnant, I was a teeny bit offended.

this is confusing and also a bit of a confession.

So I guess my new idol is Kat Von D.

Haha WTF?

I dunno.

I think it's because I have always wanted to be able to pull off a sleeve tattoo or just all over tattoos in general. And I always kind of liked makeup like that... but again, I could never pull that off. I think it's because I've always wanted to have a hardcore/edgy persona. Is this just a weird phase I'm going through or do I really want to be this kind of girl now? Hmm.. I guess we'll see how I look in like a month. Spoiler alert: It will probably be the same as I am right now.

Anyway, look how pretty she is.

what i'm obsessed with.

My obessions come and go. How I work is I'm either 100% obsessed with something or I am 100% bored with it. Only sometimes will I be in between.

Right now I am obsessed with:

Cheesy potato soup.
Cooking new recipes.
Almond milk.
Naps.
Grapes.
Taking pictures.
This picture of a guy bench-pressing a goose:

The internet.
The Olympics.
Our new toothpaste.
Showers.


Right now I'm confused about:

Why is there a lady laying on her belly using her laptop in front of our building? Looks uncomfortable.

Why will my shins NEVER EVER EVER tan?

Why does the guy named Paul who lives on the other side of our building bug me so bad?

me and the cat that was sitting by my apartment.

I always knew that talking to a cat in public couldn't end well.... and yesterday I proved this point to be true.

So there I was. Walking to the front door of our building from the back ally. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something sitting and I thought it was a bag or something but it was a cat.

I'm not a cat person (but it depends) but this cat was adorable. It looked like it could be funny too. It was light gray with dark gray stripes and bright green eyes. So I stopped and said in the voices that people talk to animals in, "Hi kitty cat. What are you doing?" and the cat just looked back at me like it was interested. So I said, "Where did you come from kitty cat? Just wanting to sit under some shade?"

[ oh my gosh, this story is making me sound insane ]

The cat just kept staring back at me. So I felt like I should keep saying stuff to it. So I said "You are cute lil kitty cat! ..." just as I was going to finish the sentence, it did a very peculiar blink that looked like it was above the conversation we were having and it looked away as if to say "okay, you are boring me. NEXT."

That's when I said, "Oh, i'm sorry cat, am I boring you?" in a really sassy, Jerry Springer type tone. Just then, I noticed some people were standing not too far away from me.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, yeah. I'm THAT girl now. The girl that was talking to a cat.

i hate when i confuse myself.

Hi.

I went on a date tonight. It was really fun! I have already been out with him like 4 times... I mentioned him on here before. Anyway, it was fun. We went to City Creek Mall (an outdoor-ish mall) and people watched and guessed people's names. We are pro at people watching and he thinks I am gifted when it comes to guessing names. I don't want to brag but I am pretty great at guessing names.

I feel good about it. There is still a lot I need to think about... not just about me and him but mostly what I even want. I've lived life with and without a boyfriend... they both have their ups and I think for the time being I am really okay with the life without a boyfriend. When you are in a relationship for so long... you kind of lose your "own" identity because you are so used to being as one with your spouse; doing EVERYTHING together. I want to get to know myself again because sometimes I even surprise myself with the things I like or no longer like. And sometimes when I sit down and have a good think about the things I do and do not want (not just in a person but in life) things get confusing and I end up not really knowing what I want. Ugh. It's kind of hard to know what you want from someone else when you don't really know what you want in life. Does that make sense? Probably not. But welcome to my head.

hahaha.

Nothing is funny. I just didn't know how to start this off.  I want to clean the kitchen and tidy up a bit around here but I know that's now gonna happen right now so I'll just blog.

Right now I am going to talk about marriage. I am nowhere near marriage and have no experience in the marriage department... so what better person to discuss it, right? Ha ha I am dumb. So here goes...

My view on marriage is really simple. I think people should marry the person they love when the time is right for them. I really dislike how society and the media portrays marriage these days. They make it seem like once you get married your life is over and the unhappiness begins and it will end in divorce anyway. Hearing people say this just breaks my hopeless romantic heart.

Pretty much, I think your marriage is what you put into it. If you want a happy, loving, exciting marriage then you are going to have to put that exact effort into it. But if you think marriage is the end of your "life" and nothing great happens after you are married, then that will probably happen and you shouldn't be getting married. I understand that some marriages have really tough issues that have no other choice but to be resolved by divorce but I don't like hearing people talking as if divorce these days are inevitable. Relationships aren't 50/50, they are 100/100. Relationships are hard work and require a daily effort, as long as both people in the relationship are willing to put in that effort, it can be a happily ever after.

As for the people who think "life is over" once you say "I do" is just ridiculous. You have control over what you do in your life and in your free time and in the marriage/relationship. If you still want to do fun things after you are married then do them. Marriage doesn't have to be "yours" and "mine", it is about compromise and making things work.

Again, I have no experience in this stuff, these are just my thoughts. Just please don't tell me that marriage is useless and you will just get a divorce anyway. It will make me cry.

photo of the day #128

This is a Squidcicle. This is also something I will never eat.

via

photo of the day #127

via

pda and where not to do it.

Last night I was grocery shopping. My favorite thing to do. I am being serious.

I was pretty much done loading my cart up with pretty much everything not on my list and everything I don't need and I remembered I needed some apples. So to the produce section I went. Did you know an apple wakes you up  more in the morning than a cup of coffee? Well it does. Try it.

The produce section at Smiths is pretty tight. So as I was standing in front of the Mandarin oranges, trying to spot out the best bag that didn't have any moldy oranges in it, I suddenly felt crowded.

I turn around to see a couple in sweats pretty much cuddling right behind me. Out of all the places in the open produce section, they chose to shop/stand/cuddle/annoy every in the produce section, right by me.  I did my best to ignore it and act like I didn't want to kick both of them, but it got worse.

They started reaching AROUND ME to the same bin I was looking in. To paint a better mental image, if I turned around and faced them, we pretty much would be doing a group hug. So, I turned around, gave them my famous "um, excuse me, but no" glares and made my dramatic exit.

So to all the adorable couples out there, I don't care if you want to hug, hold hands or steal a smooch in public, but please don't do it around me, literally, and make me feel like I'm apart of it.

photo of the day #125

Once you see it, you'll know you will never sleep again.

via.

photo of the day #124

Meth is bad.