Remember how stupid that one song was where music was everything to
her? I always hated that song. But it somehow ended up as the title of
this post.
I need to be honest. Because I am professional at portraying myself one way when I’m really suffering.
I’m not happy with myself. I don’t mean unhappy with my hair,
clothes, personality, skills, etc. I know I have a lot of things to be
happy with like my health, job, family, home, etc. But at the end of the
day, I’m not proud or content with where I’m at at this point in my
life. I am 23 years old and I haven’t accomplished anything major
besides graduating high school. I haven’t taken any big risks or
chances. I’ve lived a pretty vanilla, standard life. That doesn’t mean I
don’t have any crazy stories or nights under my belt, or that I’ve
never done anything wild… but part of me is happy with my decisions. I’m
still so young that it’s okay that I don’t know what I want to be when I
“grow up” or if I even want to get married (some days I dream of it,
some days I swear I will never be somebody’s anything). But what makes
me worry is I don’t think I’m ever going to figure out what I want to be
when I grow up. I’m afraid I’m never going to be really great at
something that will allow me to accomplish anything great or huge. I
want to create oppourtunities and live a life that would get a “based on
a true story” movie made after it.
If the world was “Arrested Development” my life would be Ann. Ann-Hog. Egg.
Once apon a time when I was 18 and single, I was really happy with
what I had going for me. I was discovering the “real world” after
high-school. The life that was outside of Taylorsville High School and
my friend’s basement. I had a full-time job (1pm-9pm), making new
friends, staying up/out late, planning all the tattoos I would get,
reading new genres of books, questioning things more, starting to rely
on me to support myself instead of my parents. I really grew up and I
was happy because I was doing things I had never done before and I was
learning about what I enjoyed. It’s amazing how much you don’t know
about yourself when you do the same routine every day.
Some people have a plan of what they want to acheive or have by blank
age. I want to have a very loose plan that will still give me structure
but will allow me to be spontaneous. I don’t care if I end up married
with kids or single and owning a boutique in the city… all I want is to
live a life that I am proud of at the end of the day and that makes me
happy when I’m falling asleep.
