if only i thought of the right words....

Today's title brought to you by....... THE CURE! The song, "Pictures of You" to be exact. It's one of those songs that says "hey, you feel kind of sad now cause this song sounds like all the vivid memories you have, lol."

I have a brief announcement. I am getting my friend's old laptop today -- by old, I mean 2 years old. That means one thing! I will be able to blog more often again! Instead of a pathetic here and there every once in a pathetic while. I'm looking forward to it. Lots to share.

;)

2015 is off to an okay start. Just okay.

Guess what? I'm back in the Avenues!
Just me this time.
It doesn't feel like the same Avenues I once lived in though, but I enjoy it anyway.
It's on L Street.
So now I've been on J Street, R Street and now L Street.
I found a little apartment on the top level of a house and it's all mine.
It doesn't feel like home.
But the older I get, the more I realize the feeling of "home" doesn't really exist anymore.
I do like the place though. My bedroom has a covered balcony!

Here is a picture.... i'm on the top level. For some reason, when I took the picture, it looks like the house is on some solitary hill with nothing around it.

Behold my apartment/house on L Street:

out of stock.

I don't think I was put together correctly.
I've always thought I was broken.
The part I need is out of stock.
There was a recall on me.
System malfunction: error unknown.

song of the week: jim croce - photograph sand memories.

It's fitting for many, many reasons. And I cry every time.


Photographs and memories
Christmas cards you sent to me
All that I have are these to remember you
Memories that come at night
Take me to another time
Back to a happier day, when I called you mine

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

Summer skies and lullabies
Nights we couldn't say goodbye
And of all of the things that we knew
Not a dream survived

Photographs and memories
All the love you gave to me
Somehow it just can't be true
It's all I've left of you

But we sure had a good time
When we started way back when
Morning walks and bedroom talks
Oh, how I loved you then

some things never change; like
that feeling you get when you
haven't seen someone for sometime
now. that feeling of two people
starting right where they left
off. and then, somethings do
change like two people growing apart
further apart, but also remembering
the little things, the little
similarities that string them
back together, as if nothing ever
happened or as if nothing ever
drifted them apart.

r.m. drake

2015 : the year i will grow up

I've officially named 2015 as the year I will grow up.

I came to this conclusion when I decided I want to face a lot of my fears (because as badass as I think I am, I am pretty afraid of a lot of things) and one of my biggest fears as finally moving on and growing up... Being mature and an adult. Things that have never sounded enjoyable and that I've dodged for a long time.

With that being said, here are all my resolutions. Big and small.

1. Save money.

2. Use more of my nail polishes besides only the black, dark purple, dark maroon and gray. I have about a bajillion nail polish colors in all sorts of shades and colors, I want to use them more. Besides the pinks. Because ew.

3. Take more pictures.

4. Use my cameras more... even if I don't know what I'm doing. Document the learning process.

5. Let people and existing friends come to me instead of doing all the chasing. I spent 2014.. and almost every year for that matter... putting in the one-sided effort with people and friendships. Friendships are something really precious and fragile to me. I am the one always calling to keep in touch. I am always the one trying to make plans. I am always the one cherishing every lasting memory as I see it getting further and further away from me. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm done. If people and friends want to see me or keep in touch, they can do it and know where to find me. I'm done chasing people.

6. Finally put my past behind me.

7. Try and see how change is a positive thing.

8. Take a cross country road trip with my friends.

9. Do the things that scare me most.

10. Get that Deja Entendu tattoo on my forearm

11. Get some piercings. Possibly a septum piercing.

12. Think positive thoughts.

This is the year I will be a new Kaleena.
This is the year I will grow up.

ragged cuticles.

When I stare at my torn cuticle on my finger,

I see you.

I see you in that city walking without me.

Laughing without me.
Living without me.

Stress and ragged cuticles go hand in hand.

Stress can cause cuticles to go ragged.

I see this torn cuticle and I see you without me.
I see that you are okay with that.
And I feel how much that I'm not.

christmas tuneage and i hate the word tuneage.

Kaleena's list of most hated Christmas songs:

1. Santa Baby

2. Felize Navidad

3. Baby, It's Cold Outside. 

4. We Need a Little Christmas

Kaleena's list of most loved Christmas songs:

1. Silent Night

2. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

3. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

4. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

5. Last Christmas

so this is christmas...

And what have YOU done. If you say that line in a villian/malicious tone, it sounds like an entirely different song. Try it. 

Dear PersonWhoDrivesMeSoCrazyThatItPutsMeInABadMood,

I don't want your artificial answers or responses when we have a conversation.
Every response you say doesn't sound genuine or honest.
Everything you say sounds rehearsed.
It seems like you choose the most favorable response and say that.
Don't tell me what I want to hear.
I want to hear your honest thoughts and truthful opinion.
Do you even have any?
I like people who have different thoughts and opinions than me. It's more interesting that way.
I would prefer someone to be blunt and honest rather than holding back to preserve feelings.
It's so liberating to be honest.
It is so agitating to hear your lack of opinions, lack of passion, lack of depth.
You are shallow. Not the shallow where you only like a girl if she is pretty and wears short skirts. The kind of shallow where there isn't anything beneath your surface.
You teach me a lot. A lot about someone I don't want to be.
You don't feel the rain. You only get wet.

-AGirlWhoFeelsMeanByVoicingTheseFeelingsEvenThoughItsTheTruth


Those words seem a lot more harsh typed out in front of me on the screen than they felt just floating in my brain... but it's probably the most honest, non-filtered thing I've posted on here in a while. That's what i've been working on lately. Having no filter and speaking my mind. This doesn't mean it's all harsh or negative. I've just lived too long being shy and holding everything back. I need to be free. I think the first step to freedom is freeing your mind and spirit.

Last night I was in bed and sleeping before midnight. I think it was 11:45pm if we are going to get all specific about it. I woke up at 7:55am for work and I felt... happy. For once, upon waking up I felt really happy. Surely it's because I had a full night of sleep as opposed to my normal 3-4 hours.

Think of how happy I would be if I slept and never woke up... ultimate and infinite happiness. WOW I meant that as to how much happiness infinite sleep could cause but it sounded straight up morbid. But somehow, I think I still mean it. 

happiness is...

...when you take a large risk and it ends up working out perfectly and rewarding.

...when you open your eyes from your bed and see your bedroom is dim with faint streams of 7-in-the-morning sunlight.

...when you learn a new vocabulary word and shortly after get the perfect opportunity to use it!
"it seemed like an auspicious loophole."

...when you wake up and realized there is a bruise on your bum from the night before when you tried sitting the in the front seat of a car with your friends even though there were only two bucket seats and you sat in the middle with the gear stick jabbing for 40 minutes but it was worth it cause you were in the front seat with your friends.

...when you are laying on the floor while your bunny Lou is hopping around and he does a big hop and almost lands on your head.

what would a brain taste like?

What would a brain taste like?
If you could taste my thoughts, they would taste like you.

I hate nostalgia.
Nostalgia is a reminder of everything you don't have but once did.

I miss when directions or addresses served as just directions or addresses.
Now, everything is a place we once went or you took me to show me something.
It's a nostalgic grid that I can't find my out of.

71 years ago today...

...I wasn't even alive.

But Jim Morrison was born.

So just another reason why December is just a dandy month.

Happy birthday, Jim Morrison. Thank you for everything you and your music has given me. And thank you for changing my life and the world.

I feel like I miss you and I didn't even know you or ever get to meet you. That's just how powerful your poetry and music is. 

I love you.

Here are my favorite words of his:

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

when will i grow up....

When I was a little girl, I always thought I would be "grown up" by blank age. 

Be a certain person by blank age.

Have everything figured out.

But the more I grow up, the more I experience, the more I "learn"...

the more I realize I don't know CRAP about ANYTHING. 

The older I get, the more confused I feel. 

I think I'm growing up wrong.

The only advice I can offer to people is...
-Watch Breaking Bad.
-Anything bunny related.
-The best locations to get Mountain Dew deals (especially the limited edition ones).
-It's not a bad thing to ask for help.

And that's... about... it....

IN OTHER NEWS:

I have a magnifying glass that I play with and take pictures because they make the photos a little distorted and goofy. Is this the Pioneers version of the iPhoto Booth before it was invented?

you.

i began to have symptoms of you.
i began to think and talk like you.
i laughed like you, i walked like you and i even began to
smile like you. i missed you so much that i became you.

and as the years passed, i heard
rumors that you became me too.
and when we finally crossed, we 
stood silently in front of each 
other and i felt like i fell off
the edge of the earth.

i knew what we had was not over,
we were not done and we did not
know how to make our love end.

r.m. drake

today is one of those days where...

I'm having a bad hair day... just terrible. Why is my hair doing this? Fly aways but also looking really flat.

I'm having a bad outfit day... ugh.

I woke up wearing heavy boots... as Oskar Schell from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close would say. I felt like I was feeling every feeling there is to feel but exhausted and defeated where the most dominant.

The minutes are crawling by.

It reminded me of the Chuck Palahniuk quote: "“Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you.” 

In conclusion... can this day be over yet?