2018: the year blogging Kaleena will be back! I hope...

One of my internet friends that I actually made through this blog, Callie, actually inspired me to get back on my regular blogging. 

I decided it will never turn back into a consistent daily blog if I keep just saying that it will depending on my mood. I figured it I want to start it more consistent again, I will plan in advance so I can be more prepared and prep for it. So I will shoot for that at the start of January 2018. 

I have changed so much since I first began this blog. It seems like many lifetimes ago. But that's what life is all about. This chapter of Kaleena is a lot different than before but to me, that's a very good thing. 

The old Kaleena writing this blog was a lot more weak and impressionable. She found her identity in the shadows for how people made her feel. I hate that about my old self. Giving up everything to make other people happy - that can be a good trait, but I was doing it to be liked, not to be selfless. The thing I've learned and found joy in as I've gotten older is that no matter how many times you hit "rock bottom" with yourself -  failure, depression, disappointment, bad choices, wrong turns, all that is doing is softly giving you or guiding you to something better for you. It always seems like that's the end when really it's just the seed that is planting your new tree or garden. I find extreme comfort in that. 

Stay tuned.

surprise

Why, hello!

What a time to get the urge to stumble back to my old blog. 10:30pm on a Sunday night.

I didn't come here to say much or anything really... but here I am.

Browsing my old posts and past self put me in a really introspective mood. I'm so glad I decided to start this blog back in 2010 and kept regularly posting. Man I loved blogging back then.

I want to start back the way I was then -- but part of me feels like it is fitting to continue on this blog to keep my life all in one place but part of me thinks I should start a whole new because let's be real, I have been pretty spotty (AKA CRAPPY) at posting since 2013 and I think it would just create a bulk of posts playing "catch up"

Hmm. I don't know. Just thinking/typing out loud at this point. 

in my ears: mars water

Hellooo. What up. How's it going. Hi. Yo. Goodnight. Good morning. I don't know where you are. Etc.

I have a pretty wide music selection, I keep an open mind but I'm also very picky in the type of sound and lyrics I like. Since i'm working on expanding it even farther, even in terms of methods of digesting new albums, I decided to keep track of new favorites or my newest find as I listen to form an opinion. Give it possible rating. For two reasons.

1. It will make me stick to my goal.
2. If you like music or are looking for suggestions, you can give it a listen.

I can't think of  a  title for this feature. It's 2AM and I keep zoning out when I look off to think. Best I got is : IN MY EARS.

That's subject to change. It's lame but it needs a name so I can set it in motion.

In My Ears VOLUME 1
Band: Mars Water
Album: Here We Are
Favorite song: Where the Sun Sets

2016: day 7

I'm not the type that is super into setting resolutions... cause to me I feel I can set a goal like that any time of the year and start working on it then. It's real simple for me to talk like that since i'm the laziest and biggest procrastinator ever! Ha. 

But really.

Instead of "resolutions" I kind of choose themes or tones I want for my year. For example, 2015 I made as the year I would grow up. With that, I choose goals that help me achieve that.  Good news is, 2015 really was the year I grew up. Both through experiences and the way I handled them and the mentality I kept on a daily basis. And dumb crap like actually making my bed or setting a day for laundry instead of only when I'm out of clothes. I spent a lot of time looking back at myself and my life in 2015 and I really did grow up because I realized, not only was I no longer that person anymore, but I saw how juvenile I was in my thinking and actions and learned from it. 

Truth is, age and a way to "act" you age is all subjective to me. Does making a bed REALLY make you a grown up/adult and prove you are 25? Not really, but I guess you could say "making my bed" is a metaphor for the way I wanted to treat everything and every situation in my life. Big or small. 

The tone I want to set for 2016 is: to be myself. 

I've never been able to be myself. Mostly cause I don't know myself. Have you ever thought about if you actually KNOW KNOW yourself? It seem like anybody obviously would since... duh... you are with yourself always. But truthfully, knowing yourself, can be one of the hardest things to do. You are always changing, always learning, always lost. I want to be able to act and speak from my heart and not feel insecure about it. 

On top of that, I never feel comfortable being myself unless I trust who I'm around or know them on a deep level. I kind of trap myself in that way. I'm insecure so allowing myself to be vulnerable and being my true self makes me feel like the equivalent to that classic nightmare of waking up on a stage with the spot light on you and you only have your underwear. 

I want to truly know myself. I want to be myself and not care what someone might think or what someone might assume. Expressing yourself is one of the most honest and most pure thing you can offer the world. I feel insecure of being myself because I feel different than everyone I'm around. Before I say or do anything, in my head, I've already analyzed from 5 different perspectives how it could be dumb, not funny, cringe, useless, etc. It's annoying. 

Some things I think will allow me to be myself is to be around people I feel "get" me and are like me. I've had friends who made me feel stupid for liking what I like or saying what was on my mind. That feeling is hell. 

I also want to set some time aside to really discover and digest new music. I have this habit of finding favorites and eating it up until it's just words. 

These are just some thoughts for now. 

sunday is not a funday.

Who really believes Sunday is Sunday Funday?

I spend all of Sunday mentally and emotionally preparing for the next 5 bleak days in which I have to function in an office setting that I believe I was not cut out for.

 Is anybody happy in a 9-5 office setting? 

It's like a florescent tomb.

I feel a lot older than I actually am. 

If I feel this jaded at 26, 

I'm terrified to see what 40 feels like.

yo.

It's 12:38AM on a Friday.
I was up until 4:30AM last night.
Which meant work sucked.
Yawn, work, yawn, work, zone out.
Luckily I function pretty well on no sleep.
But regrettably it makes me grumpy.
But hey
it's all good.
That's what naps are for.

Things i'm looking forward to:
Dressing up as Shaun from Shaun of the Dead.
Sleeping. Ha.
Little things.
Making new playlists on Spotify (user profile https://open.spotify.com/user/1240390918) if you want to follow.
Expressing my perspective more.
Being myself.
Taking more pictures.
Everything for once.


Things i'm not looking forward to:
Still living with anxiety
Anxiety
People who talk a lot without saying anything really.

I need to work on:
Being present in the moment. Not anxious in future moments. Not caught up in past interactions.
Not worrying about what I said 2 weeks ago.
Directing all the buzz going on in my brain towards something productive and meaningful.
Not living through a screen. It creates this in-between reality that is useless. 

a rut.

If you couldn't tell by my last two posts, i'm in a rut. This isn't that surprising or unusual. Especially since I suffer from anxiety and depression.  Normally, I can blame it on something or reason with it...

"Maybe it's cause I haven't been sleeping much."

"Maybe it's cause I don't really eat healthy"

"Maybe it's cause I don't take the time to do the things that make me happy"

And honestly, right now, I can't think of a single thing can be causing this and to me, there isn't anything more frightening. Just knowing you are feeling like you are falling apart for no reason so you don't really know where to start. You just feel lost. Alone. Confused. It's not just the anxiety and depression, either. The best way to explain it is when I'm in a rut, it's like magnifying the anxiety and depression. Ugh. I don't know.

the entire world vibrating around me and i couldn't feel a thing.

Feelings are jkashfuhasdpiupf98w84029384~oe;fae

Feelings for me are never easy, as dumb as that sounds.

 I know I feel a lot of them and I know I feel a lot of them at once, 

but I never know what they mean or what I'm supposed to do with them. 

Or why I feel them. But the weird thing is, I can identify what other people are feeling before they can and help them.

 Explain that.

I have this distinct memory that I go back to very often in my brain. The memory happened on June 1st, 2007. It was a Friday and it was the day I graduated high school. After graduation, there is a party at the school called "Senior Breakout." that starts at 10pm. I remember in the downtime after the graduation ceremony and before Senior Breakout, I was laying on the floor in my bedroom at my parent's house while "Float On" by Modest Mouse played on my iPod (pretty sure it was on shuffle). I lay there listening to the song while I heard Shandey (sister) in her old room with her fiance (now husband) talking about their wedding. I remember just laying on my floor, staring at the ceiling, listening to the song and just thinking, "shouldn't this moment be feeling different? this doesn't feel right. This isn't how I thought this would feel" mostly because... I remember not feeling... anything really. I had just accomplished the biggest thing of my life at that point, my sister was engaged, I had my whole grown-up life in front of me, the supposedly most fun party ever waiting for me at 10pm, --- but I lay there feeling nothing. The entire world vibrating around me and I couldn't feel a thing. I did't feel excited, accomplished, anticipation, relief, happiness, determination, etc. It was very silent inside me at that moment.

Maybe it's because I somehow knew my entire world was going to change and not be what I expected at all.

Life is weird and the concept of time is confusing.

The things your mind and memory grab can be confusing but I think it's important. It will all make sense one day. When this memory happened, it seemed so insignificant and every-day feeling, but it marked a turning point in  my life that I didn't know til now.

hi.

The older I get, the more the only thing I am sure of is that nothing ever really makes sense and you kind of just have to take what you can from living and see what it all means to you at the end of the day. I'm an extroverted feeler and introverted thinker so it makes it hard for me to articulate myself. I'll try my best.

The things that I'm meaning that doesn't make sense are things like.... you can't know better until knowing better is too late. What type of cruel irony is that? It's like, great that we at least eventually know better but that's a special kind of bullshit torture since you can't really do anything about it besides kick yourself.

I don't really know where I am going with this... I was just sleeping in my room with all the lights on and a text message woke me up and here I am. It's 1:30AM.

Right now - one of my favorite things to do is go out on my balcony or even crawl up on my roof anytime after 3AM and look at the city. There is a very quiet sounding loud hum. It kind of feels like I'm the only person existing and I get a secret place where only I can exist. I look at the city and as far as the distance shows it's really a sobering feeling. It really does puts everything into perspective. Suddenly the driver who didn't signal that put me in a bad mood doesn't matter and the worry that I might not ever figure out what kind of person I am doesn't seem as daunting. I look out and I see the place that has been my timeline and map of everything I've ever done and experienced -- the big things at least. It's hard to comprehend that I'm looking at the same place and still living under the same sky where I lived with my first love, played night games as a kid with my neighborhood, spent so many nights/hours driving around with my closest friends, spent many other nights driving around alone wondering where I will ever belong, etc. Is this really the same place? It's all a nostalgic grid.

If i'm being honest - being awake at 3AM and looking out a dark city with soft shimering lights of the town and feeling like I'm the only person existing is the most comforting yet alienating feeling. 

i'm going nowhere, but I'm guaranteed to be late.

This week was awesome because it rained 7 days out of the 7 days that are in the week. And to me, that's all I could ask for in a week. 

Right now, I am counting down the minutes until I'm driving to McDonalds to get McDonalds breakfast. Sometimes you realize that every decision in your life has led you to waiting for it to be midnight so McDonalds breakfast will be served. 

Last night was pretty fun. Some friends and I had plans to see the Classic Rock laser show at the Clark Planetarium that started at 10pm. So leading up to that, we were gonna hang out and get some food. A weird pleasure I have is enjoying trying to get five tummies in sync with something that sounds good to everyone. Sometimes it causes fights or disagreements, but I think it's fun and funny. We landed on sushi so we went to the Happy Sumo. I got the basic Vegas and Venus rolls. And mmm Mmmm MMM! Oh and I taught everyone there how to use chopsticks. 

The laser show was badass. They would put two songs up on the dome/screen and we had to vote which one we wanted to see. The first song was between THE DOORS and MODEST MOUSE. How unfair! How dare they. My two favorite bands - paired against each other. :( It was a tough decision. My friends laughed at the irony. Even today, I'm still flustered that out of all the songs to be voted against, it had to be those two bands. 

Ugh. 

how to be human for dummies.

I went to the good ol' Salt Lake City Library last night. Mainly because I found out that if you move and they find out they don't have your updated address they just expire your card. Seems dumb to me. So I went with my proof of new address and now I am happy with a valid library card once more. The end. Oh wait, no, there is more.

Before I left I asked Lou, my bunny, if he wanted anything from the library. He didn't respond. So I said, "do you want me to get you 'How To Be A Human For Dummies'"? ... still no answer... So then I said, "how about, 'How To Speak English or Make Any Sounds At All?"

Long story short, he's spending his day today reading.

PS - If they really have a book on how to be a human for dummies, that's a book I would need to read.

the burn says it's working.

This is just me. 

Don't get scared... 

like I did when I put this mint face mask on at 1:00AM. 

But when you live alone and it's late 

at night and you wear this mask

your imagination will really activate. 

Since this was a mint mask

it burned a little.

But that just means you are becoming pretty.

blood and nail polish = my monday.

There is a giant bandage/band aid on my right index finger right now --- making it SUPER hard to deliver this post to you. Can you tell how much I love you?

When I got home from work, I was getting some things out of the trunk of my car. Somewhere between the harmless picking up the tshirt up out of my trunk, my index finger was sliced open. (#lifeofkaleena) I didn't even know until I was walking into my apartment and saw blood droplets.

I go inside, walk into my bathroom, In shock that my tiny pointer finger is producing this much blood to gush everywhere. I reach for the box of band aids and accidentally knock over a bottle of nail polish.

*envision a purple nail polish falling from the top shelf to the hard tiled bathroom floor in slow motion as everything is silent*

And just like that, purple nail polish covers the bathroom floor, the bottom of the toilet, some splatters on the rug, and some splatters on the tub. Meanwhile, what the nail polish failed to cover - my finger is covering it in blood. This all happened... 2 minutes apart?

And that's the story how I lost my right hand.

Jk. My right hand is still here, it just took a while for me to bandage it since I had a nail polish shenanigan.

DISCLAIMER: my phone photo quality is CRAP. 

things you will never hear me say PART 1 (of a million probably)

This post is brought to you by me, KALEENA! And it's things you will never hear me say.

Here
we
go.

1. Meh, hygiene isn't a big deal at all.
2. I don't really care about a sense of humor.
3. I wanna go meet a bunch of new people and break the ice with small talk!!
4. I know exactly what I'm doing.
5. I prefer people to always ask me if I'm okay if I'm sitting quiet.
6. That's awesome you can't remember the last book you read.
7. I'll only go if there will be loud people there.
8. I'm never scared in the dark.
9. I can't wait to be a mom!
10. I would love to help you move.
11. Sleeping isn't that important to me.

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear in my mouth...

If you know me or have ever known me, you know I'm not the same Kaleena I once was. Yeah, I still love music and going on long drives (especially on Sundays) and hate odd numbers. That stuff is the same. But apart from that, I'm not the same Kaleena I used to be.  I had my heart broken and my entire world as I knew it turned upside down a couple years ago. Reasons for me not being the same could be anything really... like just growing up, making new or losing old friends, getting my ass kicked by life. But if i'm being honest with you, I think it was having my heart broken into little tiny fragile pieces. A quote comes to mind...

In all our lives, there is a fall from innocence. A time after which, we are never the same

I think that sums it up. 

All of that is in the past. I'm still learning to let go even though I'm starting to believe that you never really let go or get over it, I'll just eventually learn to live with it in my own unique Kaleena way. What I need now is a place where I feel like I belong. To exist. Fit.  

The older I get, the more pressure I feel to have a "plan" or serious goals and to know exactly what I'm doing. And the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what is best for me... I don't know what I will want in a year... I don't know if anybody does. Where are you supposed to go when your goals are vague like mine? To feel true happiness. To feel like I'm wanted. To feel like I'm doing the right thing. To feel like i'm experience a life that isn't routine and stale. To feel like I have a purpose.

When I close my eyes, I can feel some peace and clarity. I'm 25 years old, almost 26 in June and so far, I have felt some intense, special, amazing feelings and experiences that has given me the most valuable memories that will last my entire lifetime. 

Like feeling love:

Feeling love and loss:

Unforgettable friendship:

New friendships:

I don't think being confused, lost, scared, or feeling like a failure should be associated with bad.  That's apart of growing up. I think you need to feel those things and go through those things in order to grow as a person and learn about yourself. The best I can do is take steps towards what feels right for me and let everything fall into place. Because right now I feel like I have no direction and I feel lost and confused. 

real life childhood story #99

One time, I had to have been about 10, I lost a baby tooth. 

Instead of running around with excitement showing everyone and losing my mind, I just sat quiet. 

I wanted to know if the Tooth Fairy was real, so I didn't tell my mom I lost a tooth. 

She was tucking me in and saw my tooth on the table by my bed and said,

"Honey, you have to tell me when you lose a tooth! You can't just leave it there!" 

Boom. Instantly found out the Tooth Fairy was as fake as my enthusiasm for life. 

Stay tuned for more childhood stories, featuring me, Kaleena.

the youngest of three.

These are my sisters.
Lacey on the left, me in the middle, and Shandey on the right.
And I love them.
Even on the days where I say they are annoying because damn.
And they love me even though I'm sensitive... or as Shandey would put it:
"sensitive is an understatement"

I love them because they drove around with me one Saturday all day (seriously, AALLL DAY) looking for some curtains (they had to be right shade of purple and basically nowhere sells purple curtains) and just a few miscellaneous (I spelled that right on the first try, yay. go to hell spell check) things I needed for my lil studio apartment. It was a daunting task that had to be done but they were just happy to help and go with me from store to store and more stores.

It sounds like a dumb thing that would make you realize how much you love your sisters or feeling grateful that they are yours, but you get to see how much they care in the little things they do. Like, I mentioned I needed a different toothbrush cause my teeth have gotten more sensitive and as we were wandering around Target, Lacey was crouched down in the aisle digging through all the tooth brushes to find a soft bristle one and she picked an electric blue and a deep teal for me to choose from because she knows I would like those colors.

TLDR; feelings

I love them because:

They answer the phone when I call them at 4AM because I think I'm being haunted. They tell me i'm insane because I am but they talk on the phone with me until I can fall back asleep.

brains, lol.

What my brain and memory choose to decides is beyond me. My brain won't remember who I told a story to so I will most likely tell that person the story two more times but my brain will remember a 15 digit alphanumeric password I see like once.
The thing with alphanumeric passwords or alphanumeric anything is don't.

I read this quote the other day that said "when you think of a memory, you aren't remembering that memory - you are thinking of the last time you thought of that memory."

What.

I get it kinda, but what?

A few very boring things that I am excited for!

1. I'm getting my hair done on April 4th at 6:00pm. That means a Friday night spent in a chair in a salon with tinfoil while I can feel my scalp burning - which is sign that you are becoming pretty. Right now my hair is 50/50. 50% dark blonde and 50% light blonde. Maybe I can dye the ends pink so my hair would like a Neapolitan ice cream tub. Jk.

I guess that's all. Do you think it's possible bunnies can get scared of ghosts or by their bunny imaginations? My bunny seemed really scared a few nights ago... he kept thumping which is a bunny's way of saying "OMG WTF" so I went over to comfort him. But in the back of my paranoid and insane brain, I think he saw something that freaked him. In reality, he was probably just grumpy.

a shadow giant!

Etch a postcard: how I dearly wish I was not here.

Just waiting for my real life to begin.

Update: this shadow creature is just me, Kaleena. My friends and I were playing with how silhouettes look on camera.

possible coincidence... but i never really know.

Right now I'm laying on my bed, propped up on my three pillows piled in a corner, my knees up so my laptop is resting between them and my tummy and my cell phone is laying on my chest.

 It's not there for any particular reason.

 I just set it there. 

I think I checked the time or something. 

Now that I painted that image of me for you....

Today was a really great day. Not much more to say about it than just that.
It's really easy for me to have negative thoughts, feel sad, and be really tough on myself. I've been trying really hard lately (a literal every day struggle) to not think this way, be more positive, and give myself a break.

I read somewhere once, that if you smile first thing in the morning, you will have a wonderful day and be happier in general. I thought of that tidbit of absolute bull crap as I was driving to work (kinda late, oops) at about 8:40AM. So, I did this huge, cheesy, sarcastic smile. Almost like I was mocking that theory. It must have worked because I was in a good mood all day, I felt happier, and here I am laying in bed reflecting at how productive today felt. But the brain is a powerful thing.

Here are some sayings and things that have been stuck in my brain lately:

- The end is built into the beginning. (whenever I spell beginning, I want to spell it like "begininningnningnng because that's how it feels when I'm typing it, ugh)

-My mama always said you've got to put that past behind you before you can move on.

-One day you are just going to be a memory to someone, so make it a good one.